CONTROL: My Secret Confession

Hi my name is Lindsay and I am a closet control freak. I mean, I came out of the womb with that screw you shoulder bob and I'm pretty sure my first sentence was, "uhhh don't tell me what to do." My first draft of wedding vows purposefully left out the word "submit" because I couldn't stomach the word... but then I added it back in because I knew people wouldn't expect it and IIIIIIIIIII wanted to be in control of what people thought of me. BUT the funny thing is I've never EVER thought of myself struggling with control...

Ahhh, as I write I'm reeling... God has revealed so much to me in the past few days of my need for control. The way I put myself down before others have a chance to so I can control how much of my junk they can see. Not letting my kids venture out and do extracurricular activities unless I'm 2 feet from them, so people can't see how out of control autism makes our lives. Going COMPLETELY CRAZY, (like we're talking Wanda the witch on crack) if someone changes my schedule. Oh and my crowning glory.. growing a snarling second head and castrating my husband with my words if I feel like he's trying to "control" me in the slightestest way...

CRAAAAP!!! I could go on for days about how I am a certified control queen, BUT the point of this is growth, redemption and finding out what keeps me from being who God created me to be. It's almost exciting to constantly see the strongholds God points out a) because there is NO CONDEMNATION in Christ... so while it's not pretty... there is no guilt... just freedom to change and b) because in ripping these ugly parts out of me I am growing in God's grace and power and as I get my junk out of the way he uses me in different ways that are exciting, full of adventure and serious joy.

Either way, CHRIST'S LOVE CONTROLS US. Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them. 

-2 Corinthians 5:14-15

 I love what Brian Brennt says about control in the Freedom Resource Manual, "Control can become so integrated into a personality that we may not be able to detect any element of it. It can hide so deep within us that we may be unable to distinguish between our true, God- given personality, and the stronghold of control. Our sense of identity and our emotions can be completely submerged in the stronghold of control."

A friend and I were talking the other day and she was saying how the thing that absolutely undoes her in others is usually something she's struggling with ... without even knowing it. CONTROL has been that for me. My biggest fights with my husband have been when I feel like he's trying to control me... and if we're getting really down and dirty I have always had NO problem calling it out and being SUPER judgmental when I think someone else has "control" issues. 

Today I am choosing break the stronghold of control in my life! I confess that it has driven me and kept me from Jesus and being the woman He created me to be. I confess I have sinned in the name of needing to control my life and in the name of not wanting to be controlled by anyone or anything. But I break the enemy's power... in the name of Jesus I bind satan from the area of control in my life. It's done it's over, it's finished... Lord Jesus fill me with your love and grace. Give me the strength to pry my white clenching knuckles off of this part of my life... I want to be controlled by your love... I want to live your way... I want to move mountains and be the healer of hearts you have called me to be... and I know I can't do that while being strangled by the need to control. Amen....

Do you struggle with needing to control certain areas of your life? Is it something you need to break off?? Then do it... to be uber spiritual about this: it's time to poop or get off the pot... seriously!! It's time!  Need prayer??? I'll pray with you... This journey is hard and scary and gross sometimes but it's also UH-MAZING and adventurous and exciting!!!!! 

Please...I'm Begging You, Come a Little Closer

What a dang night last night!!! I was so blown away by the way the Lord moved and the testimonies that have been stirring in the last 12 hours!!! I am so honored to have been given the opportunity to speak last night! I must also say....

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!
The generosity shown last night a you gave was UNBELIEVABLE.

In a post a few months ago I read aloud this word given to me by a friend. I felt very called to post it again for you to read and to tuck away...married, single, or dating! It has been such an encouraging word in my story!! I hope it opens every part of your heart, soul, and mind to the relationship that the Lord is so eager to have with YOU.

No one will ever fill the longings of our soul like the one who created those longings, desires, and dreams.  The Lord is the only one who can.  No other will ever love us or affirm us like the Lord want to do.  He wants to woo us, to carry our burdens, and speak tenderly to our hearts.

"Everyone longs to give themselves to someone. To have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to a Christian says, "no, not until you're satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by Me alone and giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have a intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. I love you My child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me...exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow me to have the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep that satisfaction knowing that I AM. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait."

"Don't be anxious and don't worry. Don't look around at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me or you'll miss what I have to show you."

"And then when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for is ready, I am working this minute to have both of you ready at the same time, and until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I've prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love."

"And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.

Know I love you.

I am God Almighty.
Believe and be satisfied."

So God I just pray for a desire and a hunger inside each one of us to know you as you can be known. I pray that our hearts would be so tightly knit to yours that no other would suffice. That our desire for you would be all that would satisfy and that all else would be an added bonus to our lives. Lord, teach us how to seek you, teach us to hear your voice, teach us how to be still before you. Teach us to love like you love! Amen

The beauty of being amazingly UNDER-QUALIFIED...

While some people hide behind a wall of FALSE perfection... I hide behind a wall of raw vomit. Well, hmmhmm, let me explain... I have always thought if I can tell you all the crap about me up front, you will know that I know that I'm a wreck BEFORE you point it out. 

Anywhooo... it's in the rawness and realness that I feel the most comfortable, not because I'm so great but because weirdly it's my defense mechanism, it's always been hard for me to accept the good stuff.  This though, has been satan's number one route to hold me back in life. I've realized, there is a difference between being upfront, raw and real (all good) and being a self loathing, guilt ridden person who lives in a shadow of fear and condemnation. I'm in transition though. Learning that it's ok to own the good stuff while recognizing and throwing out the crap... 

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. -Romans 8:1-2

There is beauty in my own weakness. There is something incredible about the fact that He can take the extremely under-qualified (me, you, those 12 guys back in the day) and turn us into extraordinary creations set-up to shake the foundations of the earth. It's easy to believe the bad, but it takes a little extra gumption to also believe the great about ourselves.

Why is it so hard to say "I am Uh-flippen-mazing" ... I am bold, I'm a leader, I am courageous and compassionate... HE made me this way... so why is it so hard to own?!?!?

All through the new testament  it says, "Ask in my name and I'll give it to you."{John 14:13} "Nothing is impossible with Christ"{Luke 1:37 NLT}, "I can do all things through Christ." {Philippians 4:13} THIS IS REALITY... but so many times we choose to believe in our own strength or we choose to believe we are defined by our short comings, resulting in a stale faith and a luke warm life of just surviving.

Everything great that has ever happened in my life has taken place when I've been vulnerably, noticeably UNDER-QUALIFIED. I went to Chile to serve and didn't speak a lick of spanish, I got married before I had a clue about what love really is or about how to respect or submit (years of ouch), I had my first baby 4 weeks early and while I thought I knew EVERYTHING... I knew NOTHING(shut up mom)... we moved to Portland on a whim because God called us so we just left ... house unsold, we left a paying job to follow a dream in a new industry in a down economy, we moved home home with nothing, no money no job no home... praying for HOPE for our broken family... we were nominated for a little contest and against all odds, even though we didn't fit the bill, we were chosen to receive the most monstrous gift a community could give. 
[EDITORS NOTE: I am fully aware this is a hugely long run on sentence...but it's how I talk so get over it:):)]

I'll be 33 this month and I am so grateful that I can stand up now and say, I love the person He is turning me into (gasp... can I say that???). I love that I feel like I can see a glimpse of what he's talking about in those verses above. I LOVE that I can't brag about these things for my glory but anything good in me is ONLY because he turned my dirty laundry into something quirky and great...

Today is the day girls... TODAY is the day to START OWNING the great stuff about YOU. Today is the DAY to worship our Creator by being brave enough to LOVE all of the great things He put inside of you AND to start using them to bulldoze mountains!! 

We all have crap and baggage, there are times when we seriously suck BUT we can't let those things define who we are.

If you're struggling beyond comprehension, if you're stepping out in faith (or falling out butt first like me), if you're searching for purpose or identity... know that these are all opportunities to OWN the greatness he has planted inside of you. Know that these are the seasons that can make you even greater and that YOU and I,  CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM... NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE... ASK IN HIS NAME AND HE WILL GIVE IT.... but to believe this you have to believe He made you for GREATNESS...

Falling Out Of "The Boat" Butt First...

If Peter stepped out of the boat and took a few steps before he started to sink... I spastically lept out of the boat and fell in butt first and then kind of slid toward Jesus like a donkey on ice before starting to sink...

To sink is to focus on my strength and abilities... to sink is to focus on building MY KINGDOM instead of his.

I've mentioned I haven't been able to write for weeks. Up until a few days ago there has just been nothing up there... I have so many thoughts through out the day and I'm going through so much spiritually, but the second I sit down to write... zero, zilch, nada... my brain is empty.

Starting this blog and then FIGHT NIGHT and the the FEARLESS AND FIT RETREAT were all apart of my spastic fall out of the safety boat. They are all things I know God is calling me too... and all things that can either be done in His Spirit for His Glory... OR in my strength to build me up. Sadly without knowing it... hmmhmm... this is hard to admit... but, like a nano second after that "pure pursuit for God", you know when I made the decision to fall out of the boat, came selfish motives that were even hidden from me.

I started to dream of how to use what God has given me for MYSELF... for MY career... for MY family's provision. None of which is wrong in itself, but for me it was because I started to use something that started so pure to fill my need for stuff and recognition outside of God's will. The nice comments on the blog and the Facebook page... the great response from fight night... I took those things and buried them in ME... while my lips said "glory to God," my heart puffed up in what I thought was my own ability.

{MOTIVE} {HEART}{CONSCIENCE}

These things are so easy to hide... but HE knows. And it occurred to me, unless it's truly for HIS glory... nothing matters. 

All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD.
Proverbs 16:1-3


Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.
1 Corinthians 4:4-6

I needed to confess this... I needed to start fresh... I need to continue my quest to awkwardly fall out of the boat, but as I move forward I want to keep my focus on God and what He wants to use me for. I have come to grips with letting go of my dreams... like Abraham I am setting them on the alter... the gifts and blessings God has given me are not my own. The lump in my heart I have as I write this is my offering to God. I trust Him, I love him and I know what He has for me is beyond anything I could ever dream of... here's to pure motives and a learning to trust His dreams are what I really want.

Project: WORLD O WOMEN ... overcoming the fear ...

The last two years I've spent taking a full on plunge into the WORLD O WOMEN! Upon becoming a "christian" a little over 10 years ago, I've been invited to multiple women's retreats and have only attended 2. I went kicking and screaming, and really to be honest (sorry girls), didn't enjoy them. I've also attended several bible studies in which I never finished. I always seemed to have a reasonable excuse as to why I shouldn't or couldn't return. So here's my point....This last week a couple of incredible women I know threw a day retreat called the "Fearless & Fit Retreat". It was SO much fun!!! But a heard a question asked repeatedly by the two women heading up the retreat as well as many who attended. 

Why are women so scary? 

Or rather, why do we avoid functions like these ones at all cost? I thought I was alone in feeling this way!! Apparently not. Lets face it, we've all had past experiences that have left us feeling more like an alien than 'one of the girls'...
Back to this journey I've been on. We'll just call it Project: World O Women. Creative I Know! Lol! As I've taken on this assignment to sort of infiltrate these strange beings, I've learned so much about myself. Here are a few things I've learned that may be helpful in overcoming your fear when it comes to large groups of women/people.

Wow! Building relationships just take too much time. Time that I obviously DON'T HAVE! Oh, how I have been guilty of using this A-L-I-B-I. It's God's desire that we build relationships with one another. As I seek Him first, He will direct my steps and help me to make time. We have also become such consumers of information. Coming together only to exchange all of the information we are inundated with on a daily bases. This is not a totally negative thing, but can sometime become a hindrance when trying to really get to know a person.

{Paraphrasing} 2 Timothy says to mark this: There will be teachers, men and women who will have a form of godliness but denying its power. Those who will be trying to deceive others. Have nothing to do with such people.


I've also been terrified of being "misunderstood". As I've ventured out of my comfort zone and returned to situations in which women exist: play dates, coffee dates, workout dates, various ministry groups etc...Guess what? I've been misunderstood and misunderstood others! Big Whoop! This plays a very important part in us developing relationally. If you are faithful in the "just showing up" department, God will be faithful in making what is crooked, straight {Isaiah 45:2}. In fact, the part of me that would prefer to correct the "misunderstanding" by re-explaining what it was I was TRYING to communicate, has begun to diminish. And in many ways is rooted in pride (that's a whole other topic). Now I just smile and nod knowing that the Lord will correct a person's perception if need be. Even if you are misunderstood time and time again, it will be okay. I promise! I wonder if this is why Jesus spoke in parables? Maybe He then could observe & discern whether the disciples were going to stop trying to figure everything out, and just allow His words to penetrate their hearts.

Another block for me personally is that I used to be a very success driven person. I didn't feel validated unless I was able to achieve some level of success by the worlds standards. I could be pretty creative in "talking shop" amongst some VERY successful people in the business world (don't ask me anything now, I've kept myself  completely out of the loop). This caused me to become terribly competitive and thereby I was unable to fully connect with people. Now, I revel in my weaknesses!!!

Something spectacular occurs when you allow people to see in to your frailties. It most often enables them to walk away from the conversation with permission to be real.

One more observation that I noticed women do. We fill the silence with endless chatter. When someone in their attempt at being vulnerable steps out, most women like to respond quickly with a solution. By nature, we sure like to fix things. Sometimes we are trying  to get rid of any possibility of 'awkward silence'. In the past when I've asked for prayer at church or elsewhere, women with the best of intentions have been typically quick to analyze & apply prayer accordingly. Sometimes all I need is for someone to listen and take their time praying for me. I've learned with my kids that when I'm too quick to respond, they walk away feeling as though I wasn't really LISTENING. They for sure won't trust me to listen when the next problem arises.

Knowledge puffs up, but LOVE edifies 

{1 Corinthians 8:1}.

I am truly thankful for my opportunity for personal growth within Project: World O Women. More importantly I've met the most outrageously talented and lovable women in the world! Thank you to the women who have taken the time to love on me while I've come to the realization that women aren't that scary after all!!!

The Messiness of Living a Life United

I'm right smack dab in the middle of a journey that is stripping off all of the things God never intended me to be. All of the things that hold me back, all of the empty lies whispered into my ears telling me I'm not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, spiritual enough... all of these things are being stripped away. The fear of failure and fear of success... the fear that others won't like me as God molds me into this new kind of creation. Painfully and slowly, but with great care and compassion they are being ripped from my sides.

We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. -Romans 6:6

I've said before what God has put on my heart has been to help unite His people... and then help ignite them with the passion, love and grace that can only come from Him. It's weird though in this "UNITING" process I kind of pictured lots of kumbaya moments with brief breaks of hugs and praise (for each other and for God) and you know... like butterflies and rainbows and all of that gushy love stuff. What I've realized though, is God's call on my life to unite can only be footed on a solid foundation of growth if the things in me that are broken have been fully restored. Which is a process that is really anything but lovey fluff... it's more like, live and learn and have opportunities to extend grace through pain and tears.

How can I go out and preach NOT TO JUDGE, and still have a small corner of my mind reserved for those who are especially vulgar to me? How can I shout a message of FORGIVENESS AND ACCEPTANCE, if I myself have never had to endure the pain of being wronged and the humility in forgiving and loving anyway? The answer is I can't. I think far too many people do though. And as I wade through the murky waters of experiencing the pain and humility of being restored... I am free... and as I am freed the silence is breaking... little by little my pain will morph into victory in someone else's life. Which is true victory all for God's glory!

So stand strong for our freedom! The Anointed One freed us so we wouldn't spend one more day under the yoke of of slavery, trapped under the law. -Galatians 5:1

What I've realized in these 9 short months since the ripping and tearing away of my flesh began... or the crap that is so ingrained in me it feels like my flesh... is saying YES to God means doing ALL that we do in love and grace and mercy and HUMILITY. 

I think as Christians these words are watered down because they're used too much. We say "love ya" to a friend and turn around and rip her to shreds if we feel we've been wronged in any way. We expect grace and mercy, because we're human right??? but we are so much slower to give it when doing so comes at a personal cost to us. 

The bottom line though, is if we are truly seeking to MOVE MOUNTAINS and GROW the Kingdom of God here on earth... these FOUR words need to be tattooed on our minds. 

LOVE.GRACE.MERCY.HUMILTY.

We need to stop pretending like we want what God wants and really dive in to the messiness that comes with entering into other's lives, pain, victories and challenges. We need to stop pretending we're perfectly imperfect (aka sinners but not that kind of sinner) and just roll around in the idea of actually extending grace and compassion to those we think are despicable. Gasp. It's when we can do these things, the enemy will be defeated... it's when we do these things we will be free from the fears, insecurities and jealousies that have kept parts of us captive to darkness.. it's when we do these things God will truly be glorified...

Do you ever pretend to let things go to God... and then take them back? Do you struggle with being perfectly imperfect?? I've bared my guts... join me... it's fun.. well it's at least a little therapeutic:)

pssst... are you going?

{NOT A GOD OF SECOND CHANCES}

I prayed softball in junior high and high school. Yes, you read that right. As a defensive player I would stand out in right field and PRAY no one would hit the ball to me. Instead of chanting “hey batterbatter”, my mantra was “pleeeeaseplease God.” On offense I displayed legendary prowess by strategically scrunching my body into Lilliputian proportions to hide the strike zone. Sometimes I got hit by the ball.Yes! First base here I come. And running the bases? I run like a penguin. Enough said.

Every time I got a second or third or fourth chance to not embarrass myself, I blew it. When it was my turn I would pray with all my might.

‘Please God, help me not suck. Help me not to bruise too badly this time.’

Every once in a while I would take the chance, close my eyes, and swing. But most ‘ups’ I just hunkered down and hoped for the best. Seriously, the best thing about softball for me was the sunflower seeds. And I won’t even discuss my adventures in volleyball.

Last week I was talking to my daughter. After a challenging few months, God is sending her on a great adventure. I asked if she was excited, and there was silence for a moment before she answered.

“I just feel like God is giving me a second chance. I don’t want to mess it up.”

Ugh. Her words bounced around in my head for a few days, nagging at me. Honestly, I tried to ignore them and move on. But something about that didn’t feel right to me. Second chances are good, right? I’ve heard “God is a God of second chances” more than once. How can a second chance be a bad thing? In sports, in writing, in cooking (just ask my family about this one sometime) second chances give us an opportunity to improve.

But here’s the thing: 

Second chances aren’t meant to be a lifestyle.

Need an example? Can I be honest with you? (Ok, deep breath.) The truth is, I’ve been struggling with my weight for years. Decades, actually. It’s one of those ‘strongholds’ in my life. It’s not a bad thyroid, trauma from my childhood or an unusually slow metabolism. Every day I make choices that keep me this way, and every night I’m miserable. When I find a new diet or promising exercise program, or a cool event like the Fearless and Fit Retreat, I say to myself,

“I just feel like God is giving me a second chance. I don’t want to mess it up.”

Listen up people, here’s the deal. I carry my “first chances” around with me every day. Every pound, every flabby part of me is a reminder of my past failures and disappointment in myself. I realize many strongholds are not as obvious to the world as overeating, but we all can carry the weight of our past ‘chances’.

God did not intend for us to live Second Chance lives.

When we view something as a second chance, we are reminded that there was a first chance. A first failure. A first disaster. We are branded, labeled, weak, rejected.

So think for a minute now; how do you think God views it? Here’s a clue:

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?” –Is 43: 18-19

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here.” 

-2 Corinthians 5:17

Get it? God doesn’t see second chances. He sees new things. My past is part of who I am, but I don’t have to carry it around with me forever. Either do you.

So let’s do this together. Are you with me? Here’s what we will do.

1. Identify that first chance thing in our lives.
2. Sift it. Pick out the good seeds. Identify what we’ve learned.
3. Banish that ugly first chance. Throw it out. Draw a line straight down the middle of today and refuse to let that first chancecross over into the future.

We will banish it, with the help of a strong God who removes it from us as far as the East is from the West. We will banish it, with the help of a mighty God who makes all things new. We will banish it, where it will stay in the early chapters of our lives as a testimony of God’s great mercy and grace and his lavish love for us. We will embrace the entire story of our lives, even the ugly parts, and today will be a new thing.

You were made for this kind of living. So get out there. See it like God sees it. It’s not a second chance. It’s a new thing. Open your eyes and swing with all your might. You’re not alone. You were made for this kind of living. So live it.

Meet The Author...

Jenna has been married to her Prom date for 23 years. Her 4 kids are all grown up and now she's finding more time than ever to chase her dream of being a writer. Although she's blessed with a successful career, her passion for 15 years has been volunteering with teens and young adults as a youth worker and small group leader. Her goal in life is to love God and love others. She's gearing up to start a new blog about her weight loss journey, but you can check out her current blog at http://terriblysweet.blogspot.com

 

Treasures In Darkness

Isaiah 45:3 -

I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, The god of Israel, who summons you by name.

While standing in line at the bank one day I overheard the teller explain some of the dark times he was going through. As I approached the counter he continued to express some of the details to me, as the hurt was still fresh and this was the way he was dealing with it. I told him that I felt bad for what he had been going through. With a smirk on his face he replied "You... You haven't suffered a day in your life." These words had been delivered to me on more than one occasion. 

1 Samuel 16:7

For The Lord sees not as man sees: Man looks at the outward appearance, God looks upon the heart.

Here's my question... based on appearances do you make assumptions about people you do not know?

I'm not a theologian nor a bible scholar. But I do consider myself to have an advanced degree from the University of Diversity. I will try my best to spare all the gruesome details. So here it goes. Neglected, rejected, despised, and abused. By the time I was fourteen years old I was homeless, and had become a couch hopper. Unwilling to become a burden to anyone I would usually run. I visited the shelters available to teens, but felt I was better off alone and on my own. In and out of court rooms, fearfully facing my abusers in order to protect those I loved even though they rejected me. There was never any rest; which resulted in countless failed attempts at suicide. I was pregnant at nineteen and where I always started out with good intentions quickly turned in to a scandal. I felt so much shame because I merely lived a life of survival. All I ever wanted to do was experience peace!!! 

I'm not interested in writing you a novel so I will just stop here, because the trials and tribulations are endless. People were rarely aware of my circumstances, because of my appearance. I always (as people would share) looked put together. 

I met my husband shortly after my 23rd birthday. And accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. The moment I settled in to the lifestyle of what I thought was going to be peaceful, all kinds of ICKY began to manifest. 

Jesus began to heal me. The healing process itself, to say the least, was UUUGLY! Stuff just began bubbling  out all over the place!! Scared to allow my husband and family (I had two boys at this point) to see what needed to come out, I began to destroy my marriage.

Proverbs 14:1

The wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.

I definitely wanted to isolate myself so that I didn't have to face the pain or the horror that I'd endured in my short lifetime. Nope. The Lord allowed everyone in my life to see it as though I was on display. After three years of this my marriage couldn't take any more. Here I was again, failing at my attempt to pull off a "Normal Life". 

But then... I picked up my bible and began to pray. The next several years were not the easiest, but I started doing things God's way. All of my brokenness was healed and my marriage restored. In retrospect I began to see the hidden treasures that God had for me in these times of darkness. 

Although life doesn't stop bringing it's trials I can honestly say that the battle belongs to The Lord. I am sincerely living the abundant life that Jesus spoke of. Not because things are perfect, but because to know Him and to be loved by Him is to know that there is a treasure within everything that life may hold for us. 

Rejoice in knowing that you have a purpose!!!!!! And for the love of Jesus (...because he first loved us. - 1 John 4:19). Walk fearlessly in it.

Fearless & Fit... It's coming!!

What is Fearless and Fit?  

Well I’m pretty sure we don’t even know yet...I mean we do, but we don’t.  You know what I’m saying?  This is new to us as well.  We are just so excited to bring a whole bunch of ladies together for a day centered around fitness, fellowship, and the third “f”, friendship...I know kind of corny, but, true.  

We want it to be a day where we as women begin to champion one another.  

Champion: To protect or fight for.

I’m just going to put it out there....we as women (the people group) are fairly caddy, critical, and sometimes down right nasty.  Truth be told though, we need each other, we need to protect one another, we need to fight for one another.  But how do we do this?  How do we champion one another?  This is a topic very dear to my heart.  How do we know others and at the same time let others know us?  Just as gossip spreads like wild fire, this can too.  It something that brings great life to those around us.  

We will then be taking the fitness piece as well and adding it to the event.  You are a strong woman...whether you believe it or not.  You are!  You are strong, beautiful, courageous, brave, loving, caring, compassionate, and just pretty much amazing.  Over the years I have seen women begin to believe these things as the tool of fitness is used.  

We must know who we are and as we do this we begin to be able to tell other women who they are!  

Please don’t let the fitness piece scare you.  

You do not even need to be exercising at this time to come and join us.  You will do what you are capable of doing.  We want to meet you where you are.  You will sweat because it's July in Medford. You will sweat because we will do work, but this is more than just a kick your butt see how many people I can make throw up sort of thing. That's just not me. 

I want to give you some tools to be successful in maintaining your wellness. 

This is about gathering women and begin to create a culture where women champion one another, support one another, and just be there for one another in the midst of the crazy life!!!! It's going to be so much fun!!!! 

Don’t know anyone going?  It’s all good, there will be plenty of new people to meet and I can guarantee you will meet some amazing women who you just might end up making life long friendships with.  


Check out the Website for  the Fearless & Fit retreat HERE

Ready to say "HECK YA I'M GOIN??" CLICK HERE to register online!

My adulterous heart....

Last week I talked to a group of women about what it would look like to let Jesus define who we are... instead of listening to the lies and letting our pasts, our jobs, our possessions or even our sin define us. It sounds so simple... just say yes to God... but the moment I set my mind the that I feel like the enemy amps up his attacks on me and turns up the volume on the lies he was once just whispering in my ear

In John 8 there's a story of an adulterous woman...

"Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.


'Teacher,' they said to Jesus, 'this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?'


They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, 'All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!' Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.


When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, 'Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?'


'No, Lord,' she said.


And Jesus said, 'Neither do I. Go and sin no more.'"

I kind of identify with this adulterous woman. Don't get your panties in a bunch... I love my hubby... but if I'm honest I have to admit, I’m an adulterer in my relationship with God far too often.  I try to draw strength and comfort from so many things other than him. I turn to my husband or to my mom or friends or anything really, but the one person who can truly make things better. I turn to everything else before I remember that all I have to do is say YES... all I have to do is listen to his voice OVER the voice of the greatest of accusers. I have to rely on his love and grace, POWER and mercy... then he lifts me up dusts me off and says GO...

He told the woman to go and sin no more… but what I heard was Go… and let me define who you are…. 

Doing the Fearless Thing...

Once we make the decision to to stand up and rebuke the enemy and really move in God's kingdom, everyday IS a fight... I get a little tired of fighting to be honest... there are days I let me guard down and the enemy pounces almost instantly... these are the days I forget I'm not fighting in my ouwn strength... this isn't my deal... it's God's thing... it's his place to strengthen me and fill me with a fearless reckless courage for HIS glory alone.

Being "fearless" isn't a state of mind... it's who we are and how we live. 

I want  this word to be my default... I want this word to define my existence... and someday it will. Right now though, I'm IN the fight, the journey from living for myself to living truly for Jesus and his kingdom. Not just in how I talk or pray but in the GUTS OF HOW I LIVE!!! It's a process, I'm trying... I'm more aware of when I'm not being who I need to be or when I'm being an annoying cow...  and I more aware of when I am trying to manipulate God to work for my purpose instead of the other way around.

I don't think being fearless is an over night decision... I think as we rebuke the enemy from our lives and thoughts and words and start to breakthrough from the strongholds keeping us from really experience God we just kinda morph into someone who has more courage to stand up for the kingdom. We transform in women who are secure in God's power and gifting... We grow into strong leaders and encouragers and spiritual warriors. And one day we will realize that moving forward in faith is just what we do... it's second nature... it will mark us and claim us and set us a part. I want this... not just for me, but for all of us together.

Can you imagine what damage we could do to the enemies camp with fearless faith that truly can shake the foundations of the earth??? Ahhhh, it's at our finger tips, it's deep inside us at our core, it's who God created us all to be, it's who we can be... if we choose to claim it!

Surrender vs. Grudging Acceptance... Round One

In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:6

I guess I really should use the word submission when in my discussion here, but surrender is the word that God keeps bringing back to my heart. Even if I manage to surrender something that I have held onto (or to do something I know God has put in front of me to do), it’s a challenge to stay in surrender mode. Often what I have done in my life looks a whole lot more like grudgingly accepting “whatever God allows” in my life. Even that is most likely half hearted most of the time. I want to feel good about my level of submission to the Lord that I truly love, so sometimes I guess I can put a rosy tint on how I am doing.

God doesn’t use a lovely pink filter…He sees it all for what it is. He sees my desire to stand before Him unashamed, but He also sees my efforts for what they are and when I justify things within my own mind so that I can make myself feel like I’m surrendering when I really not. He also knows how much I want my paths straightened, as the verse above says and He knows when my submission is pure or if it is “to get something”, like straightened paths. 

¹sur·ren·der,transitive verb

1a: to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand <surrendered the fort> b: to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

2a: to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b: to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

intransitive verb: to give oneself up into the power of another : yield

I know that my loving Father doesn’t want the first definition in my surrender, where I feel a demand to let go. He’s not like that; He doesn’t put demands on us. The second, even though it uses the word “prisoner” as an example is where I want to be and where I am designed to be…in a state of yielding to the One who made me and knows me best. He knows what will give me true fulfillment and help me to have a lot fewer regrets one day, were I too fast forward 50 years.

I don’t want to waste my life and spend it on things that don’t matter. It’s my biggest “good fear”, if there is such a thing. Again, I am faced with how much more my trust in Him needs to grow bigger. 

 I think that when I don’t fully surrender, it’s because I am lacking in the full measure of trust. 

Lately, I am even more enthralled than usual with nebulas. If you Google nebula, and have any admiration for starry skies at all, you will be enthralled, too. There are so many colors and configurations, all different, and all beautiful. This is what I think, now, when I look at the images: the God who created that magnificence that fills me with so much wonder and awe, also…made me. I can trust Him and my trials (and issues) are not too big for Him. It puts me in my place in half a heartbeat. He is awesome, me…not so much. Left to my own devices and “wisdom” (tee hee), I am a wreck. I have proven it over and over in the seasons of my life that I was not in a place of surrender to God. I make a thorough mess of things on my own, apart from Him. There may be a shining, shallow moment here and there when I try to call the shots, but all in all, that is not the life I want. Any good things are still because of Him, even if I’m rebelling. The God of the universe, who made galaxies and all that they contain, also made me and I want to be fully His, because I love Him so much. I want to surrender.

It’s like Lu’s workouts, though, I can’t do them just once and say I did! It’s a constant thing. If I want to consistently walk in the Holy Spirit’s power, I must surrender all my “wants” each day. 

There is nothing like the first week of home schooling a teenager on the autism spectrum to show me the truth of that statement. I think surrender is like breathing, to benefit from it, I have to keep doing it…and I would love for it to become that automatic!

Perfect Love... He is enough...

“Everyone longs to give themselves to someone. To have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to a Christian says, “no, not until you’re satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by Me alone and giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have a intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. I love you My child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me…exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow me to have the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep that satisfaction knowing that I AM. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait.”

“Don’t be anxious and don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me or you’ll miss what I have to show you.”

“And then when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for is ready, I am working this minute to have both of you ready at the same time, and until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I’ve prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love.”

“And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.

Know I love you.
I am God Almighty.
Believe and be satisfied.”

Answering His Call... Part 2

   

Sometimes I think that when something is exposed by God, then it has been dealt with in that very moment. And perhaps I even rationalize in my mind that I can spend about a week with the Lord over an issue and BAM, its as good as gone! Only it returns to me like a sucker-punch to the face!! One of those issues for me is intimacy. Ive seemed to re-visit it time and time again.
This all to familiar stirring accured a couple of weeks ago when I was sorta floating through the scriptures. I found myself trying to whisk by Song of Solomon for the umpteenth time. The Truth is I've never read this book in the Bible! We know according to 2 Timothy 3:16, that all scripture is inspired or breathed by God. It seems to me that I've been fairly closed off to the attributes of God revealed in this book...right? He is the lover of my soul, my romancer, the One whom woos me into the deep place of intimacy....I don't consciously want to avoid any of Gods amazing truth for me. I'm ready to be completely set free!!

Let me clarify by stating that I'm not talking about having a personal relationship with Jesus here...I would even go as far as to say I've experienced many fleeting moments of intimacy as well...I'm talking about a lifestyle change. Also, at first glance most would assume I'm pretty much a girlie-girl. My closest friends and family know that that couldn't be further from the truth....Total tomboy through and through. I just watched my first chick flick only a year ago..I've recently told my husband,  "I think the Lord is turning me into a girl! Ahhhhhh!!!" All of that to say, that if you give me the part of the bible where wars break out, victories are won (even a little shed blood) I'm there! How about in Acts where Peter and John are healing the sick, casting out demons and raising the dead!!! Whoo hoo! My adrenaline is pumping just writing about it..Hee hee. I know right? Its the warrior in me. So sure its easy for me to think of my Lord as my Abba Father who always takes care of me..Or my Lord of hosts who leads me into battle. He's defiantly my Lord and Savior who daily washes my feet when they are dirtied from the cares of this world.

So here's the deal. I'm not going to even try to assume that I know what a daily life of intimacy with Jesus or anyone else looks like.... but I sort of know what it doesn't look like...here's is an example. Meeting with my Lord in the same manner as Jesus did every day, requires a certain condition of privacy. Again referring to Jesus' example, I don't ever remember Him returning to His disciples saying, "You are not going to believe the revelation God just imparted to me!" No! He just put it into action. So why is it the first thing I do is run to my husband or friend. Come on!

My life with Jesus can be recognized by the fruit in my life. In fact that is what Gods word tells us. That we will know them by there fruit. Not, we will know others belong to Jesus by how much they talk about there fruit. LOL. 

For me that is easier said than done. Oddly enough you will seldom here me talk about my husbands and my relationship because we have something so amazingly special that I don't have to try and convince you with every detail of our life together. Hold on! I'm not saying that we don't reach out to one another for prayer. Or share amazing experiences we've had to build each others faith. I'm expressing that myself and our culture go a little bit beyond that (OK a lot beyond that). My desire is to go deeper with Jesus, My family, and other relationships the Lord may be cultivating. I'm laying down any self preservation which may result in my being overly ambitious, hostile and sarcastic (to only name a few). I'm locking myself in my beloveds chambers open and unashamed.

So today and many many more days to come, I will be drenching myself with the beautiful words in the book of Song of Solomon. I promise not to emerge out of my house wearing daisy's in my hair and skipping. But I do promise you this... I will be forever changed!

            But we all, beholding as in a mirror (the word of God) the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into His image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

 2 Corinthians 3:18