The Messiness of Living a Life United

I'm right smack dab in the middle of a journey that is stripping off all of the things God never intended me to be. All of the things that hold me back, all of the empty lies whispered into my ears telling me I'm not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, spiritual enough... all of these things are being stripped away. The fear of failure and fear of success... the fear that others won't like me as God molds me into this new kind of creation. Painfully and slowly, but with great care and compassion they are being ripped from my sides.

We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. -Romans 6:6

I've said before what God has put on my heart has been to help unite His people... and then help ignite them with the passion, love and grace that can only come from Him. It's weird though in this "UNITING" process I kind of pictured lots of kumbaya moments with brief breaks of hugs and praise (for each other and for God) and you know... like butterflies and rainbows and all of that gushy love stuff. What I've realized though, is God's call on my life to unite can only be footed on a solid foundation of growth if the things in me that are broken have been fully restored. Which is a process that is really anything but lovey fluff... it's more like, live and learn and have opportunities to extend grace through pain and tears.

How can I go out and preach NOT TO JUDGE, and still have a small corner of my mind reserved for those who are especially vulgar to me? How can I shout a message of FORGIVENESS AND ACCEPTANCE, if I myself have never had to endure the pain of being wronged and the humility in forgiving and loving anyway? The answer is I can't. I think far too many people do though. And as I wade through the murky waters of experiencing the pain and humility of being restored... I am free... and as I am freed the silence is breaking... little by little my pain will morph into victory in someone else's life. Which is true victory all for God's glory!

So stand strong for our freedom! The Anointed One freed us so we wouldn't spend one more day under the yoke of of slavery, trapped under the law. -Galatians 5:1

What I've realized in these 9 short months since the ripping and tearing away of my flesh began... or the crap that is so ingrained in me it feels like my flesh... is saying YES to God means doing ALL that we do in love and grace and mercy and HUMILITY. 

I think as Christians these words are watered down because they're used too much. We say "love ya" to a friend and turn around and rip her to shreds if we feel we've been wronged in any way. We expect grace and mercy, because we're human right??? but we are so much slower to give it when doing so comes at a personal cost to us. 

The bottom line though, is if we are truly seeking to MOVE MOUNTAINS and GROW the Kingdom of God here on earth... these FOUR words need to be tattooed on our minds. 

LOVE.GRACE.MERCY.HUMILTY.

We need to stop pretending like we want what God wants and really dive in to the messiness that comes with entering into other's lives, pain, victories and challenges. We need to stop pretending we're perfectly imperfect (aka sinners but not that kind of sinner) and just roll around in the idea of actually extending grace and compassion to those we think are despicable. Gasp. It's when we can do these things, the enemy will be defeated... it's when we do these things we will be free from the fears, insecurities and jealousies that have kept parts of us captive to darkness.. it's when we do these things God will truly be glorified...

Do you ever pretend to let things go to God... and then take them back? Do you struggle with being perfectly imperfect?? I've bared my guts... join me... it's fun.. well it's at least a little therapeutic:)

pssst... are you going?

Surrender in the Fire...

It’s so crazy when you think you are really being tested, only to find you truly had no idea just how hot the furnace can get.  One of our sons, diagnosed in junior high with Asperger’s Syndrome, sits tonight in his own furnace.  As a 5 year old he was diagnosed with OCD, depression, and ADHD.  We’ve had a very long 16 years, seeking answers and help in many realms.  Grace has been abundant and answers have been few.

Our son is going into his second week locked up, with serious charges against him.  Our local paper did a sufficient job of sensationalizing a personal tragedy.  My husband and I were in Mexico celebrating our 20^th anniversary when the incident occurred.  We came back home days later and had our world rocked beyond anything we could have imagined.

My life is full of paradox: My mother’s heart feels shattered, yet God is holding me together.
I am weak and my brain doesn’t really want to function properly, yet He is strong.
My son may never come home again, yet I pray that He will know God as his shelter.

I grieve, but there is still joy. 

There are moments in my day where I feel about to crumble and I want to crawl into my bed and sob. I am relentlessly clinging to God because without Him, I could not even breathe and without Him and I can’t be the mother my kids need me to be. My heart feels so torn between wanting to sink into my sadness for just a while and to shed tears for what has been lost. The visits with Andrew are short and in a room full of people and I just want to hold him in my arms like I did when he was little. I hate letting go when the time is up, knowing that he is so ill equipped to handle being where he is, yet it is what God has allowed. I think of him so much when I go to bed, only a few miles away and untouchable. We all have prayed together every night as a family since the kids were little. I wonder if he still says his prayers when he goes to bed and I want to so much to ruffle his hair and tell him I love him before he falls asleep.

Was their 16th birthday party the last they will share? Was that our last Christmas together as a whole family? Only God knows those answers and I’m trying to stop my heart from asking those questions.

The real questions are:

Will my kids see me live out all my words about God for the last 16 years?
Will I still say “yes” to the God who allows suffocating pain?
Is my endurance so far just shock and will I fall apart completely when it completely subsides?
Do I trust and love God, no matter what?

My answers:I will die trying, yes, I really hope not, and 100% yes.
I want to say, like Job, though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Not that God wants to slay us, but we live a life that has no guarantees for tomorrow. We go about our lives so often thinking that we will have as many days as we choose, with all the people we choose. Really, it’s a vapor.

One thing I now know, after living through a variety of heartaches in my 43 years…I will not waste my pain. I cannot waste my pain. I will fight for God’s glory in every circumstance. I have been telling my kids, as I did the day we arrived back home to a life turned upside down…”Stay close to God as we walk this road. If we do, God can grow us and change us. We can become stronger and wiser. If we keep God at arm’s length (in anger or rebellion), or just try to Lone Ranger it (until we REALLY need Him), we will miss out.” I am learning that we can truly see His glory while standing in the furnace. One thing we must remember when we hear the fire roar and feel the heat upon our faces...there is Another in the midst of it all.

“Show mercy upon me, God, because it is in you that my soul hopes, and in the shadow of your wings I shall have refuge until trouble passes.” Psalm 57:1

 

They'll Know We are Christians By Our Love... I think...

{They Will  Know We are Christians By Our Love} 

Peter R. Scholtes, 1968

We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord
We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord
And we pray that all unity may one day be restored 
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

We will work with each other, we will work side by side
We will work with each other, we will work side by side
And we'll guard each one's dignity and save each one's pride 
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

By our love, by our love
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand
We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand
And together we'll spread the news that God is in our land 
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

By our love, by our love
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

Love is patient, love is kind
Never boasts, not full of pride
Always hopes, always trusts
The evidence of Christ in us

As I pray my guts out to seek what God has for me and how He wants to use me in His kingdom two words keep resurfacing ... UNITE and IGNITE. How can I be a part of a revival call to UNITE when I am leading the charge to tear others down... with jealousy, hate, and cynicism?

I have been hurt and felt some of the worse pain in my life because of other Christians... and I have also been the one to hurt and judge and criticize... I have been the one who gossips in the name of  seeking "prayer"... I have been the one to crush other sisters because I felt "entitled"... because they were wrong... because I thought my sin was somehow less disgusting than theirs. Who would know I was a christian by my love? Certainly not other believers.

"Love prospers when a fault is forgiven,

but dwelling on it separates close friends." 

-Proverbs 17:9

I have been a splinter in God's Kingdom... I confess having been jealous of other people's callings ... I confess being bitter and hosting deep hatred and judgement . Not only hosting it in my mind and heart... but shouting it from the roof tops in the name of being a victim of their ugliness. When will it stop? When will the cycle of Christians tearing God's Kingdom apart end? 

When will we recognize this as the enemy having a foothold within Christ's church?? When will we stand up and fight against it? Maybe when I stop pointing fingers at others and realize the problem starts and stops with me.

I don't know when or how it will end for you, but the only way it can end for me is to fight day and night, minute by minute, rebuking the enemy in my thoughts and words. I have to stand up and declare "His love covers me so MY LOVE must cover you." I can sit here and be offended all day... I can sit here and be jealous and tear a sister down by patronizing her calling with a smile on my face because I'm too scared to step out and own my calling. OR I can be an encourager, I can have GRACE and LOVE even when others, maybe even unknowingly, do the same to me. I can cover another's sin with an expectant prayer of deliverance (See Circuit Rider's Podcast #24 by Brian Brennt) instead of writing them off and discounting their role in the Kingdom.

"And may the Lord make your love for one another and for all people grow and overflow, just as our love for you overflows."

-1 Thessalonians 3:12

He wants us to live UNITED, the enemy doesn't. Where God wants us to seek love and grace the enemy reminds us of how we have been hurt and wronged. I am calling the enemy out today. In the name of Jesus I rebuke his attempts to divide God's kingdom through me... I will no longer be a tool for satan... 

Lord Jesus I proclaim your victory over the strongholds of jealousy, cynicism and hate... and I am declaring ownership of love grace and mercy in their place...

Because I know when I stand up and say I CHOOSE to be known for my love and grace like Jesus... others will want that too... I know when my life and my actions can reflect what these words are saying it will be POWERFUL. What would it look like if we all chose this path? What if we chose to be so secure in our callings that we could truly truly raise our sisters up in love and encouragement? What if we were sooo secure in Christ's power dwelling within us that offensive words ricocheted off of us leaving only marks that remind us to pray for the offender. 

I write this because I want this, and I know I have to have it before I can move forward into the depth of the plan that God has for my life. And no matter what we are called to... before we can answer and live  the revival inside of us... we have to recognize we all play a part in the "Great Division"... and then we have to decide what we want to do about it.

3 Week With Jesus...

I spent three weeks with Jesus. Face to face. Hand to hand. Heart to heart. But I didn’t know it was Him. The first time He spoke, it was in through my husband. He pulled me into the bedroom and said, “My family is going to be staying with us.”

It had all started two weeks before, when my little family came down with a horrendous flu. Grandma, who lived next door, caught the same thing and ended up in the hospital. That week was hard, and more than once, my dear husband thought that she was dying in his arms. She hung in there long enough for all of her kids and grandkids to fly in from all over the country.

She came home, and all the visiting family moved next door into our house. What did I do? I panicked. Jesus opened my door and invited them in and I sounded the alarm.

The Son of God looked down on my little home and said, “That one. That is where I will send my hurting.” 

And all I could do was count my own shortcomings. How will I do this? How will I feed them all? Where will they all sleep?

I came to some of you and vented my anxieties. Jesus came to my door the next day. It was through a friend. She brought dinner and goodies and snacks to feed all of the visiting family.

I washed and cleaned and cooked and scrubbed and pleaded with God to help me be a light. I looked for those opportunities, but no one asked me for prayer or advice. They just asked for a place to sleep, some food to eat, a living room to rest in. As one week turned into two, I spoke less, I grew more weary. These people were in need, and I didn’t know how to help them. So I cooked some more, and prayed that God would use me. I made more beds, and asked God to use me.

More meals came. There didn’t seem to be enough clean towels, but there was enough to eat. This family wasn’t one to spend much time together, and yet here they were living, sleeping, eating, and grieving in close quarters. And every night, we all gathered and ate a meal together.

One day, I found myself in the kitchen scrubbing away at the mess that I couldn’t seem to get on top of. I was weary and my heart hurt. It was a rainy day and so all the kids were confined in doors and arguing over the Wii. We knew grandma wasn’t going to make it through the day. The tension was thick. I just can’t do it anymore, I told my Savior.

And He spoke again. I have dirty feet, He reminded me. 

Instantly, I saw Him taking a handful of dirt and spit and placing the mud on the blind man’s eyes. I heard Him greet the lepers that society had cast away. I was aware of the freedom the crazed man felt as the evil spirit was cast into a herd of pigs, and I heard the sin fall into the ocean waves, never to return again. I felt the thunder as the sky turned black and my Savior was crucified. His body bloodied and murdered by my sin.

He whispered gently in my ear that day, All I’ve asked of you is to have dirty feet. 

My thoughts were not pure. In fact, I had spent very little time thinking on what was good and true and right and holy. I had gone into survival mode, grief mode, just-get-through-it mode . . . and yet somehow my feet had still gotten dirty. Somehow, He had placed me right where He wanted me, despite my fears. He had used me just how He wanted to, even though my heart was unaware.

Jesus showed His unfailing love and kindness when He gave us all one last day with Grandma. She was awake and laughing and smiling and surrounded by her entire family, her legacy upon this earth. Jesus stayed, tarrying among us all that next day, through the tension and the rain and fear and the weariness. And when March 31st dawned upon us, He took grandma’s hand and led her home.

The craziness continued despite everyone’s grief. More family came. There were services, receptions to be had. Jesus came to my door again. It was my dad’s wife. Having only recently lost my mom, this is still a hard situation for me. But this woman cooked and cleaned my home preparing for the reception following the service. While we gathered in church, she served, doing what I could no longer do.

After three weeks of waiting for God to use me (and not really seeing that He was), God let me speak. Or rather, sing. I stood before the family and friends of this precious woman, and I sang about the Father’s deep love for us. Jesus was there while some wept. He was there as they gazed upon her picture on the projector screen.

In the middle of the song, the city experienced a power major outage. The lights and sound went out up and down the street and in the church where we all sat. So there I was in a darkened sanctuary singing while God spoke loudly:

“How deep the Father’s love for us. How vast and beyond measure. That He should give His only Son, to make a wretch His treasure. I will not boast in anything. No gifts, no power, no wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection. Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer. But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom.” 

I have been humbled by His grace. I have been seeped in His presence. I have been surrounded by His mission all month long. It wasn’t pretty. It was messy. Tense.

Sometimes, the Kingdom of God brings about unrest as the earth encounters something holy. 

I wish with all my heart that I had done better for my Lord, that I hadn’t had a breakdown in the Food 4 Less parking lot, or that I hadn’t vented so much on my hurting husband and friends. But mostly, I am relieved and grateful beyond words that He was there with us, walking among us, embracing us in our lows, and comforting grandma in her pain.

I spent three weeks with Jesus and I wish I could say that I am changed. But the truth is that I still feel like a mess. Honestly, I just feel treasured in spite of myself. I feel blessed though I am too weak, and I feel unworthy and special as I hear him whisper even now,

“My grace is sufficient. . .” 

Katie... was raised in northern California to a Jesus-loving family. God was ever present in her family from the way her parents loved her to the miracles she saw daily. She witnessed her crippled father walk and dance again, and her mother's barren womb healed after thriteen years. At home she helped raise her little sisters, and in the church she was encouraged as a worship leader. She married her college sweetheart, and together they continue in youth ministry. Last year they left her hometown and moved with their two daughters to Southern Oregon to start a young adult ministry at Table Rock Fellowship. They are finally living their dreams of he being a youth pastor and and her, a worship leader; however, the best part of her life is being a wife to her man and a mommy to her daughters. It has taken them seven long years to get to this point , and she had to say goodbye to her beloved mother this year as she lost her short battle with cancer, she can honestly say with all certainty that the melody of her life is that of God's unfathomable love and never-changing faithfulness.

Check out Katie's personal blog at: www.ristowswife.wordpress.com

Fighting Emotion with Prayer and Grace

I want to talk about emotions…and doubt and fear… No matter how you look at it.. We are emotional people. We get annoyed (I get annoyed a lot...im working on it.) I get sad, I get excited I get angry… and the list goes on. I sometimes let all these emotions get in the way of meeting with God ...every day. I FEEL less than… I FEEL like I'm not doing enough for Him.. I FEEL like I can do better.. Or be used by Jesus in bigger and better ways.. All those feelings of mine.. Are self-doubt!! Its like this war going on in my head.. It's total confusion.. I pray before I get out of bed… “Lord, Use me today. I want to lay my entire day at your feet Lord, use me for your purpose today and not my own” then I get out of bed and my husband didn’t make the coffee or take the stinky dinner trash out and im ANNOYED… (even though I just prayed, this meaningful prayer) I let my emotions get me every time!!!

So then I have a choice.. Say “thanks for making the coffee… I really appreciate it, and it smells really “good” in here by the way” in a major sarcastic tone with my robe on and bed head… that’s got to be a terrible way for my husband to wake up… oh my gosh.. Now he will be annoyed!! OR I can make the coffee and take the trash out and when my husband gets up say “good morning”…

I pray for Gods Grace.

I want to be a better wife, mother and friend.. I can't do any of these things without Jesus every single day. Every step of the way.. every time I get upset or annoyed..

Our emotions and thoughts are linked to each other.. our thoughts and feelings cant rule us, unless we let them.

Romans 8:5 says. .For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.

So if we let our thoughts lead us… which are probably not going to be good if we are angry or sad or annoyed.. We will have bad attitudes towards everything.. Flesh without the holy spirit is dark and negative and NOT a good place to be... But if we learn the word of God and set our minds to having a mind of the spirit we will be filled with life and peaceful calm emotions and Joy and Love.. Jesus called us to peace

I have to pray for this..

Every day I need to ask for His guidance and love and Grace. I need these things to be a better Wife, Mother and Friend... I am human and have a sinful nature.. This is why its so important for me to lay my day down each morning for Him. To meet God in the first thing and see where it leads my day. Sometimes I literally roll out of bed and go to the kitchen put my hands on my bible and say “Lord im meeting you.. Please meet me, I want to hear you Lord, show me what you want me to see today."

If I am calm and peaceful I can learn to have an ear to hear Him and what He wants from me in each day..

… I have been amazed at His plan for me!! He has divine meetings for all of us if we let him! 

[editors note: I was listening to a podcast this week and it was challenging listeners to start each day by praising God for 10 things... before our feet hit the floor in the morning to praise him... I have seen such a difference as I pray and praise him in the morning... I AM NOT a morning person... and this helps me start off with JOY and CONTENTMENT... it's been the most amazingly simple but profoundly impacting thing I've done in my spiritual life... Linz:)]

No More Friendly Fire

I Love our Lord's example in the above scripture. As the Pharisees and Scribes constantly sought to provoke Jesus... he always seemed to answer with such serenity and tranquility. Jesus never was and never is uptight. And yet the minute someone provokes me (not on purpose I'm sure), my reaction is most definitely not tranquil. How destructive this is to the Body of Christ!! This is a call for unity within our church community. Lets take a stand together and not allow anymore division from within.

Lets stop the "friendly fire"

{As the bible indicates throughout, unity doesn't happen through the pointing of fingers at one another's spiritual condition. Unity starts with me.}

Here are a few ways to confront this issue in which we seem to struggle... not excluding myself of course. This may offend some, but none of us are guiltless! As my friend Lindsay so poignantly said, "Welcome to the no fluff zone." So here it goes...


1. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Luke 6:45
Before a critical statement can come out of our mouth it is already formed in our heart. Isolate the thought, and immediately take it to the Lord. Get rid of it fast! If you are anything like me, you may have to do this multiple times before it goes away.


2. The tongue has the power of life and death. Proverbs 18:21
Are you speaking life giving words to or about or family (includes in-laws, cousins, uncles, you get the picture)? Chances are if your talking about your immediate family, you will fall into the trap of talking about your church family as well. I like to justify myself by saying, "I need prayer about this" or "sorry for venting". WHOOPS!


3. ...and there are diversities of operation, but it is the same God which worketh all in all. 1Corinthians 12:6
DO NOT compare yourselves (gifts, talents, etc..) to others! This one is especially difficult amongst the women. You will end up becoming jealous toward that person Jesus loves so much, or you will walk in fear that you aren't good enough.[Side note: If I had to compared myself to the incredibly talented women that write on this blog, I would NOT be writing this post today. I would be too fearful....]

4. ...And He gave us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. 1John 4:21
Love the person who is rude to you.... for love covers a multitude of sin. Guess what?? We are not called to love the lovely, but the unlovely.

  Last, but not least......

5. Where sin abounds, Grace abounds that much more. Romans 5:20
So thankful for the Grace administered to me on a moment to moment basis...YAY and AMEN!!

Fearless Experiment Confessional {Legalism}

Untitled from Lindsay McPhail on Vimeo.

Why is it that sometimes we are the very thing we HATE most in the world... even if just a little bit?Legalism has been holding me back... binding me... keeping me from fully experiencing God's powerful Grace!  Do you struggle with being legalistic or judgmental in any area of your life? What I have to remember is that it's not my job to convict others... acting superior or judging their hearts IS NOT MY ROLE IN LIFE... and pssst it's not yours either... 

I found it!!!

"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom." -2 Corinthians 3:17

Going Fearless...

Photo by Maria Alexandra Photography

I've made a tough decision... one that will forever change how I live, love and grow. I AM GOING FEARLESS ... and this is my experiment. I am going to blog through this journey toward letting go of all of the things that hold me back from living a life of relentless faith... through believing God's grace offers more than just salvation and forgiveness. Knowing that true power and wisdom and insight lie into HOW he wants all to live. My journey is sparked by so many things in the last few months... women being brave enough to speak hard words into my life, God blessing us with the most abundant symbol of his grace (our Extreme Makeover Home) and reading an inspiring book that has forever changed me (RELENTLESS... go read it NOW...seriously!)

Everyday I will ask God to reveal something fearless he wants me to do... everyday I will ask God in faith to give me the power in his almighty grace to do what I can't in my own strength and to break though the limits of what I ever thought possible for my own life. While this is my journey, it's not all about me. It's really about you... about all of us and what life can be if we truly want to seek and follow God's call on our lives. Not when we "have it all together", not when we get "that" job or our kids are out of diapers... not once the kids are graduated or we pay off our debt... BUT what we can accomplish right here, right now, with the gifts HE has freely given us. What would it look like if Christ's Church lived beyond survival, beyond spiritual; consumerism, beyond making it through each day, week and month... and truly lived free from fear and bondage... set apart in His Grace... for His Glory.

I can't wait to introduce you to other women on the same journey who have committed to share how God is doing similar things in their lives... this is a fluff free zone. There will be no flowery feel goods, there will be no easy way outs... BUT what comes with living free and fearless is a sort of excitement and fulfillment I've only just gotten a glimpse of... and I want more... join me, let's start something new together!

Let The Experiment Begin!