CONTROL: My Secret Confession

Hi my name is Lindsay and I am a closet control freak. I mean, I came out of the womb with that screw you shoulder bob and I'm pretty sure my first sentence was, "uhhh don't tell me what to do." My first draft of wedding vows purposefully left out the word "submit" because I couldn't stomach the word... but then I added it back in because I knew people wouldn't expect it and IIIIIIIIIII wanted to be in control of what people thought of me. BUT the funny thing is I've never EVER thought of myself struggling with control...

Ahhh, as I write I'm reeling... God has revealed so much to me in the past few days of my need for control. The way I put myself down before others have a chance to so I can control how much of my junk they can see. Not letting my kids venture out and do extracurricular activities unless I'm 2 feet from them, so people can't see how out of control autism makes our lives. Going COMPLETELY CRAZY, (like we're talking Wanda the witch on crack) if someone changes my schedule. Oh and my crowning glory.. growing a snarling second head and castrating my husband with my words if I feel like he's trying to "control" me in the slightestest way...

CRAAAAP!!! I could go on for days about how I am a certified control queen, BUT the point of this is growth, redemption and finding out what keeps me from being who God created me to be. It's almost exciting to constantly see the strongholds God points out a) because there is NO CONDEMNATION in Christ... so while it's not pretty... there is no guilt... just freedom to change and b) because in ripping these ugly parts out of me I am growing in God's grace and power and as I get my junk out of the way he uses me in different ways that are exciting, full of adventure and serious joy.

Either way, CHRIST'S LOVE CONTROLS US. Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them. 

-2 Corinthians 5:14-15

 I love what Brian Brennt says about control in the Freedom Resource Manual, "Control can become so integrated into a personality that we may not be able to detect any element of it. It can hide so deep within us that we may be unable to distinguish between our true, God- given personality, and the stronghold of control. Our sense of identity and our emotions can be completely submerged in the stronghold of control."

A friend and I were talking the other day and she was saying how the thing that absolutely undoes her in others is usually something she's struggling with ... without even knowing it. CONTROL has been that for me. My biggest fights with my husband have been when I feel like he's trying to control me... and if we're getting really down and dirty I have always had NO problem calling it out and being SUPER judgmental when I think someone else has "control" issues. 

Today I am choosing break the stronghold of control in my life! I confess that it has driven me and kept me from Jesus and being the woman He created me to be. I confess I have sinned in the name of needing to control my life and in the name of not wanting to be controlled by anyone or anything. But I break the enemy's power... in the name of Jesus I bind satan from the area of control in my life. It's done it's over, it's finished... Lord Jesus fill me with your love and grace. Give me the strength to pry my white clenching knuckles off of this part of my life... I want to be controlled by your love... I want to live your way... I want to move mountains and be the healer of hearts you have called me to be... and I know I can't do that while being strangled by the need to control. Amen....

Do you struggle with needing to control certain areas of your life? Is it something you need to break off?? Then do it... to be uber spiritual about this: it's time to poop or get off the pot... seriously!! It's time!  Need prayer??? I'll pray with you... This journey is hard and scary and gross sometimes but it's also UH-MAZING and adventurous and exciting!!!!! 

Igniting the Fight...

So many things to surrender... so little time.

|SURRENDER| It's the sometimes hidden cure for every stronghold and every lie the enemy whispers in our ears. As I move forward in this fearless journey the one thing I know is HE doesn't just want us to surrender a little thing here and a little thing there. HE WANTS IT ALL... the deepest, darkest, most shameful thing we wouldn't utter to anyone... that part of our insides we can't imagine living without because we don't know who we'd be without it... He wants it and He's desperate for us to let it go.

Last night we were having dinner with friends that we haven't hung out with for years. It was one of those nights that was just anointed by the Holy Spirit... or to sound less christianeesee ... it just freaken rocked. He told us about a friend of his who asks these super deep questions like, "If you truly believed God loved you, what would it look like." I think a lot of us would say "hey I know he loves me." But honestly for me I know that response is just crap.

If we actually could comprehend the depth of HIS love for us we wouldn't be white knuckling things like guilt and fear and insecurities. If we were seriously confident in HIS love for us we would be encouragers and champions to absolutely EVERYONE... not just the easy people who aren't threatening to us in any way. The thing about surrendering and submitting is they come across as week sounding by the world's standards... almost like you're giving in and giving up. BUT... there is HUGE freedom in saying yes to HIM... and trusting his love is ENOUGH... and then just letting it all go.

The idea of surrender is too huge to capture in one FIGHT NIGHT... or one blog post. So this month as a way to {IGNITE THE FIGHT} and jump on this fearless train ... all of my blog posts will be surrounding the idea of surrendering different issues... from pride and rebellion to insecurities and envy... 

SURRENDER. SURRENDER. SURRENDER... Lord Jesus I surrender it ALL to you... all of my shame and guilt, pride and envy... using food as an idol ...caring what other people think more than I care about your call on my life... LORD I SURRENDER... it's yours... you're big enough, I believe in your love for me. I claim it right now and I am crying out for a fresh passion to surrender the junk and lies that are holding me back from moving mountains in your name. PRAISE YOU JESUS!

We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. -Romans 6:6

Surrender in the Fire...

It’s so crazy when you think you are really being tested, only to find you truly had no idea just how hot the furnace can get.  One of our sons, diagnosed in junior high with Asperger’s Syndrome, sits tonight in his own furnace.  As a 5 year old he was diagnosed with OCD, depression, and ADHD.  We’ve had a very long 16 years, seeking answers and help in many realms.  Grace has been abundant and answers have been few.

Our son is going into his second week locked up, with serious charges against him.  Our local paper did a sufficient job of sensationalizing a personal tragedy.  My husband and I were in Mexico celebrating our 20^th anniversary when the incident occurred.  We came back home days later and had our world rocked beyond anything we could have imagined.

My life is full of paradox: My mother’s heart feels shattered, yet God is holding me together.
I am weak and my brain doesn’t really want to function properly, yet He is strong.
My son may never come home again, yet I pray that He will know God as his shelter.

I grieve, but there is still joy. 

There are moments in my day where I feel about to crumble and I want to crawl into my bed and sob. I am relentlessly clinging to God because without Him, I could not even breathe and without Him and I can’t be the mother my kids need me to be. My heart feels so torn between wanting to sink into my sadness for just a while and to shed tears for what has been lost. The visits with Andrew are short and in a room full of people and I just want to hold him in my arms like I did when he was little. I hate letting go when the time is up, knowing that he is so ill equipped to handle being where he is, yet it is what God has allowed. I think of him so much when I go to bed, only a few miles away and untouchable. We all have prayed together every night as a family since the kids were little. I wonder if he still says his prayers when he goes to bed and I want to so much to ruffle his hair and tell him I love him before he falls asleep.

Was their 16th birthday party the last they will share? Was that our last Christmas together as a whole family? Only God knows those answers and I’m trying to stop my heart from asking those questions.

The real questions are:

Will my kids see me live out all my words about God for the last 16 years?
Will I still say “yes” to the God who allows suffocating pain?
Is my endurance so far just shock and will I fall apart completely when it completely subsides?
Do I trust and love God, no matter what?

My answers:I will die trying, yes, I really hope not, and 100% yes.
I want to say, like Job, though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Not that God wants to slay us, but we live a life that has no guarantees for tomorrow. We go about our lives so often thinking that we will have as many days as we choose, with all the people we choose. Really, it’s a vapor.

One thing I now know, after living through a variety of heartaches in my 43 years…I will not waste my pain. I cannot waste my pain. I will fight for God’s glory in every circumstance. I have been telling my kids, as I did the day we arrived back home to a life turned upside down…”Stay close to God as we walk this road. If we do, God can grow us and change us. We can become stronger and wiser. If we keep God at arm’s length (in anger or rebellion), or just try to Lone Ranger it (until we REALLY need Him), we will miss out.” I am learning that we can truly see His glory while standing in the furnace. One thing we must remember when we hear the fire roar and feel the heat upon our faces...there is Another in the midst of it all.

“Show mercy upon me, God, because it is in you that my soul hopes, and in the shadow of your wings I shall have refuge until trouble passes.” Psalm 57:1

 

Surrender vs. Grudging Acceptance... Round One

In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:6

I guess I really should use the word submission when in my discussion here, but surrender is the word that God keeps bringing back to my heart. Even if I manage to surrender something that I have held onto (or to do something I know God has put in front of me to do), it’s a challenge to stay in surrender mode. Often what I have done in my life looks a whole lot more like grudgingly accepting “whatever God allows” in my life. Even that is most likely half hearted most of the time. I want to feel good about my level of submission to the Lord that I truly love, so sometimes I guess I can put a rosy tint on how I am doing.

God doesn’t use a lovely pink filter…He sees it all for what it is. He sees my desire to stand before Him unashamed, but He also sees my efforts for what they are and when I justify things within my own mind so that I can make myself feel like I’m surrendering when I really not. He also knows how much I want my paths straightened, as the verse above says and He knows when my submission is pure or if it is “to get something”, like straightened paths. 

¹sur·ren·der,transitive verb

1a: to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand <surrendered the fort> b: to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

2a: to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b: to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

intransitive verb: to give oneself up into the power of another : yield

I know that my loving Father doesn’t want the first definition in my surrender, where I feel a demand to let go. He’s not like that; He doesn’t put demands on us. The second, even though it uses the word “prisoner” as an example is where I want to be and where I am designed to be…in a state of yielding to the One who made me and knows me best. He knows what will give me true fulfillment and help me to have a lot fewer regrets one day, were I too fast forward 50 years.

I don’t want to waste my life and spend it on things that don’t matter. It’s my biggest “good fear”, if there is such a thing. Again, I am faced with how much more my trust in Him needs to grow bigger. 

 I think that when I don’t fully surrender, it’s because I am lacking in the full measure of trust. 

Lately, I am even more enthralled than usual with nebulas. If you Google nebula, and have any admiration for starry skies at all, you will be enthralled, too. There are so many colors and configurations, all different, and all beautiful. This is what I think, now, when I look at the images: the God who created that magnificence that fills me with so much wonder and awe, also…made me. I can trust Him and my trials (and issues) are not too big for Him. It puts me in my place in half a heartbeat. He is awesome, me…not so much. Left to my own devices and “wisdom” (tee hee), I am a wreck. I have proven it over and over in the seasons of my life that I was not in a place of surrender to God. I make a thorough mess of things on my own, apart from Him. There may be a shining, shallow moment here and there when I try to call the shots, but all in all, that is not the life I want. Any good things are still because of Him, even if I’m rebelling. The God of the universe, who made galaxies and all that they contain, also made me and I want to be fully His, because I love Him so much. I want to surrender.

It’s like Lu’s workouts, though, I can’t do them just once and say I did! It’s a constant thing. If I want to consistently walk in the Holy Spirit’s power, I must surrender all my “wants” each day. 

There is nothing like the first week of home schooling a teenager on the autism spectrum to show me the truth of that statement. I think surrender is like breathing, to benefit from it, I have to keep doing it…and I would love for it to become that automatic!