Feelings...woe woe woe feelings

Fight Night at Havana Republic was riveting last night.  Our new location is fabulous!! Everyone at Havana was so helpful and friendly and their efficiency and kindness and professionalism just enhanced our experience.

God was with us and Lindsay had a powerful message to share.  Two words kept repeating- REPENT and FREEDOM.  Linz pointed out that 'repent' is an action word and freedom , or at least freedom from sin, will be the result of repentance.  Recognizing repentance as an action word is huge in itself.  I for one get too wrapped up in 'feelings'.  It is important to understand that the kind of repentance - the verb - repentance, is NOT a feeling.  It is so easy to feel remorse for a choice.  I personally can wallow in that sorrow.   You know how a pig likes to wallow and allow the mud to swallow them up? Yeah like that.  As miserable  as it makes me feel to realize my sin, I feel like it is my penitence to hold on to it...i.e: wallow with it.  Like God will be pleased with my suffering.  Does anybody besides me see something wrong with this picture???  If we allow ourselves to identify with what Christ did for us on the cross we could be relieved to know that Christ has already done our suffering- the ultimate gift.  It requires faith on our part to accept this gift.  Faith, unlike repentance, requires us to not do things, but to believe things.  BUT to repent, to turn from sin, MUST BE TIED TO ACTION.  Following Jesus means more than saying (or feeling) the right words- It means acting on what He says. (Luke 3:7-9)  God has revealed to me that my incessant need to hold on and wallow is a complete waste of time and energy. It brings Him no glory and it allows me the wasted opportunity to continually revisit my sorrow and not grow in my relationship with Him.......
 
In my quest to INCITE THE FIGHT the question is taken from lessons from Solomon's life:  Knowing what actions are required of us means little without the will to DO those actions...are you ready?

{ABOUT INCTIE THE FIGHT} Blog posts with incite the fight headers will be directly related to that month's Fight Night. Each Fight Night has a topic so {Incite The Fight} posts will be follow ups that will take the concepts deeper... Cindy and Fiona will be taking the lead on continuing the conversation... we hope you'll join in!

CONTROL: My Secret Confession

Hi my name is Lindsay and I am a closet control freak. I mean, I came out of the womb with that screw you shoulder bob and I'm pretty sure my first sentence was, "uhhh don't tell me what to do." My first draft of wedding vows purposefully left out the word "submit" because I couldn't stomach the word... but then I added it back in because I knew people wouldn't expect it and IIIIIIIIIII wanted to be in control of what people thought of me. BUT the funny thing is I've never EVER thought of myself struggling with control...

Ahhh, as I write I'm reeling... God has revealed so much to me in the past few days of my need for control. The way I put myself down before others have a chance to so I can control how much of my junk they can see. Not letting my kids venture out and do extracurricular activities unless I'm 2 feet from them, so people can't see how out of control autism makes our lives. Going COMPLETELY CRAZY, (like we're talking Wanda the witch on crack) if someone changes my schedule. Oh and my crowning glory.. growing a snarling second head and castrating my husband with my words if I feel like he's trying to "control" me in the slightestest way...

CRAAAAP!!! I could go on for days about how I am a certified control queen, BUT the point of this is growth, redemption and finding out what keeps me from being who God created me to be. It's almost exciting to constantly see the strongholds God points out a) because there is NO CONDEMNATION in Christ... so while it's not pretty... there is no guilt... just freedom to change and b) because in ripping these ugly parts out of me I am growing in God's grace and power and as I get my junk out of the way he uses me in different ways that are exciting, full of adventure and serious joy.

Either way, CHRIST'S LOVE CONTROLS US. Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them. 

-2 Corinthians 5:14-15

 I love what Brian Brennt says about control in the Freedom Resource Manual, "Control can become so integrated into a personality that we may not be able to detect any element of it. It can hide so deep within us that we may be unable to distinguish between our true, God- given personality, and the stronghold of control. Our sense of identity and our emotions can be completely submerged in the stronghold of control."

A friend and I were talking the other day and she was saying how the thing that absolutely undoes her in others is usually something she's struggling with ... without even knowing it. CONTROL has been that for me. My biggest fights with my husband have been when I feel like he's trying to control me... and if we're getting really down and dirty I have always had NO problem calling it out and being SUPER judgmental when I think someone else has "control" issues. 

Today I am choosing break the stronghold of control in my life! I confess that it has driven me and kept me from Jesus and being the woman He created me to be. I confess I have sinned in the name of needing to control my life and in the name of not wanting to be controlled by anyone or anything. But I break the enemy's power... in the name of Jesus I bind satan from the area of control in my life. It's done it's over, it's finished... Lord Jesus fill me with your love and grace. Give me the strength to pry my white clenching knuckles off of this part of my life... I want to be controlled by your love... I want to live your way... I want to move mountains and be the healer of hearts you have called me to be... and I know I can't do that while being strangled by the need to control. Amen....

Do you struggle with needing to control certain areas of your life? Is it something you need to break off?? Then do it... to be uber spiritual about this: it's time to poop or get off the pot... seriously!! It's time!  Need prayer??? I'll pray with you... This journey is hard and scary and gross sometimes but it's also UH-MAZING and adventurous and exciting!!!!! 

My True Idenity

Oh Jesus my Healer why have you come, to knock on my heart,

I'd rather feel numb

Persuaded in my mind I already have an identity, 

but it has become evident that with out you there is no me

I will not let myself delight in false humility,

by allowing others to judge what I eat or drink

for these are only the shadows of how His hope sustains me

Can you see me begin to emerge in my true IDENTITY

Oh Jesus my healer I stand in your grace, as you restore me to my health,

I lay down on my face

When I arise I feel so Immovable,

Realizing in that moment it was never me but YOU

Dancing in the Minefields...

{Dancing in the minefields} That's the thought that keeps wafting through my mind as I'm trying to grip the reality of life. I (we) have a relationship with Minefields. I just didn't realize how close of a relationship it was. I found out it's where I live. Permanently. And so does everyone else. Somehow I had thought that the minefields of life were rare and possible to avoid, or that was the goal. And if you found yourself in one, you should just spastically run through it, darting this way and that, until you've made it out as unscathed as possible. Maybe for some souls life is that way. But, I think the reality for most of us, is that we are LIVING in the minefields. So waiting until we get out to dance, means we'll never dance at all.

Well... (I tell God) at least now in my "minefield life" I have learned how to shuffle around robotically. Working day and night maneuvering and outwitting foreseen negatives. I'm heavy-laden and lacking joy but, hey, at least I'm trying to get us outta here, right?. God's grace is patient, but His desire for my freedom is bigger. Surviving is not good enough for Him or me! I was created to dance. The real kind of dancing. Not awkward, forced movements we all do because.....well....we've been saved too long not to, plus, everyone's watching. But the free, effortless movements that come from a soul that is floating on the wings of a Saviour.

But how do I get that in me? How do I dance with that fluid expression of joy whilst things are blowing up around me. And worse yet, what if things get eerily quiet? What about then? There's still all those looming places I "think" should be blowing soon, so I'm obsessively watching and arranging my life around them. No peace. Ever.

I don't know how others feel, but I am exhausted. Exhausted from the avoidance patterns I run. Exhausted from the extreme molting I experience every time I am nearly hit. I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS. Out of sheer weakness and misery I believe I am ready to face this demon. (Not the way I pictured heading into victory). Dear God, deliver me! And anyone else who has lived a life paralyzed by fear! What would it feel like if I did not fret about losing my life....or losing the life of of my children? AHHH!!! Does that state of peace exist? I think it does.

When my 2 yr old son went from a healthy boy to 2 days later laying in Portland's ICU with a chest tube.......I learned about the freedom God wanted to give me. I stared down at my baby boy's face for 7 days searching for any signs that these freakish, sudden complications of Pneumonia was not the way it was all gonna end. God revealed himself to me. It was not about the comfort that comes from believing in His promises to heal, although I knew He wanted to. He taught me about His Sovereinty. The same Sovereinty and Majesty I'd witnessed days before when looking out that small airplane window that transported my little boy. Amazing!! My life felt so overwhelming, yet His cosmic powers were holding this whole place together with just a word from His lips. There is peace in knowing our days are numbered. There is peace in knowing that even though I am called to be the best steward, I am still not responsible for how many breathes I take.

God could have prevented Lucas from ever getting sick. He could've healed him on Day 2 with antibiotics, or even Day 3 with the chest tube would have been nice. But on day 7 (of course) he swept in, wiped the effusions and infection from his lung and granted complete healing. Praise God!! It was only hours before that the xray had shown horrific damage that only a surgeon could reverse. Glory to God!! Praise Him!! He is powerful!!..........Phew! As we wipe the sweat from our brow....

But........wait.....what about next time, I ask? What about when the numbers on a life I love really are up? What about that pain? What about those goodbyes? What do we do then? God's answer was still the same......

I AM. TRUST ME. IT'S TIME TO DANCE.
I think I will.

I married in 2000, 4 months after meeting the love of my life. The next 11yrs proved to be amazing....filled with laughter and tears as God filled our home with 5 more. I am honored and humbled everyday I get to stay home with my kids. The task momma's face daily is daunting....and I shake my head in wonderment that I've been allowed to do it after all my failures! My children's ages are 10, 8, 7, 5, and 3
and without the love of my amazing man, I don't know where I'd be!

Breaking Free... Fearlessly Crushing Strongholds

Photo By Maria Alexandra Photography

A couple of weeks ago I couldn't have told you what a "stronghold" even was. I knew I was being gripped by rebellion and pride but after recognizing their power in my life I had NO CLUE how to release them. I had a friend come over and pray for me and in the midst of a 30 second prayer for freedom from these things I felt myself release them and take them back... it was weird... like really weird. I felt a split second of lightness followed by the heaviness of oppression I have chosen to carry for a lifetime.

I knew what I did but I didn't know why. For days I beat myself up until I realized why:

I didn't know who I would be without the comfort of the sin that has bound me for over 30 years. 

The things that kept me from being free were also honestly a very comforting piece of who I was. MY foul mouth, my rebellious head bob and "tell it like it is" attitude were a shield I hid behind to protect my heart. My self hatred and anger and ability to put myself down with humor before others had the chance were how I survived... they were my protection, my excuse... for not moving forward in faith.

A couple of weeks ago I started reading about my "STRONGHOLDS"... REBELLION, PRIDE, A CRITICAL SPIRIT, SELF-PITY... oh list goes on believe me... and while I already knew these things were suffocating the work God was trying to do in and through me... I still didn't know how to move on from them.

It's been through reading God's word, and books on this subject that I realized there are actual steps to rid myself of these and bind myself to other strongholds that are actually from God....

In the Freedom Manual, Bryan Brennt said to remember the 4 R's: (on a side note this manual is amazing and I would fully recommend spending the $10 to download the PDF version no digital reader required.)

{REPENT}

{RECEIVE}

{REBUKE}

{REPLACE}

What I realized is that once I had identified the sin that was holding me back I had just been kind of sitting in it... bathing in it... soaking it in and beating the CRAP out of myself. THAT'S NOT WHAT GOD WANTS... the purpose of recognizing sin is to then be FREE from it, not wallow in it. And if we don't know how to move on the ENEMY can use it to push us down even more. (Matthew 12:45... read it!)

It's through REPENTING (sincerely expressing our sin to God) and then REBUKING the enemy (Actually saying out loud: In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke the spirit of ___________ in my life, remove the enemy and bind him from this area!) that we begin to heal. But here's the kicker... when the sin is emptied, you have to RECEIVE God's mercy and grace and the RELACING that space with His TRUTH.

This sounds simple but I wonder if there is anyone else out there who has sat in a place of self pity and self disgust... allowing the enemy to oppress and do almost more damage than the original sin??? I am done sitting... I have shaken off those strongholds and I have accepted God's Grace and refilled my mind with HIS truth! 

NOW I am praying that my strongholds would be GRACE, FATIH,  MERCY,  LOVE and COMPASSION.

All over in the new testament HE tells us if we ask HE WILL GIVE FREELY... we just have to believe and HE will make us overcomers... He will make us strong, HE will help us fight... I'm ready to ask AND BELIEVE... are you?

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him." 

-Matthew 7:7-11

Round 2: How I Am vs. Who I Am....Let's Get Ready to rummmbbbllllee!

Photography by Holly Stout

I'm picking up round two {CHECK OUT ROUND ONE} and running with it today. I love that Lindsay left me with the nitty gritty....OH THE PRESSURE.

This weekend I unbound the pages of my journals. It's time to write my story about my journey these last two and a half years. Some of the pages I came across made me cringe....it brought back so many memories of the woman I was...how I was. YUCK...sure there were good qualities about me but oh dear Jesus I was a mess.

Let me just put How I Was in nutshell for you:
-Insecure
-Inconsistent
-Angry
-Impatient
-Unapproachable
-Unavailable
-Prideful
-FULL OF SELF-PITY
-Perfectionist
-Unkind
-Ungracious
-Bitter
-Resentful...ok I'm just going to stop now....you pretty much get the point.

As many of you know Lindsay will just tell you how it is...well so do I. So as you can see this could make for a very dangerous combination...but it doesn't. It's actually like the Lord has laced my lips with some sort of grace that what comes out of my mouth she hears. It's pretty weird actually, wouldn't you say Lindsay??? Even if it's straight up truth...I sort of sit preparing to hear a dial tone...but I don't.

And as time passed I began to change...a lot of time...I don't catch on real fast...I'm slightly stubborn. But basically what I'm saying is that the truth she spoke started to open my eyes to HOW I WAS.

I saw how I was and I seriously hated it but I was just stumbling in the same way, saying the same things and then apologizing AGAIN (for like the 50th time). I so desperately wanted to be different but it was a process. Slowly but surely I began to change. I began to win the battle of my strongholds. There were days when I didn't actually know how I was functioning in my own skin. I was laughing more, I was way more friendly, strangers would chat with me at Starbucks, men would open doors for me and actually look me in the eye...

THIS ALL MAY SEEM VERY SILLY TO YOU BUT IT WAS MY LIFE....

So back to Linz and my conversation, I was given liberty to speak into her life because I knew exactly where she was. You could hear the chains she was bound by....so basically I was like ok here we go. And what came out was, the bondage that she had been walking in...we don't need to name em...hahaha. But the opening of the eyes to our strongholds gives the enemy less foothold. When we know the stronghold of sin we are walking in we recognize it more clearly, joyfully repent and then begin to walk in the opposite spirit. The opposite spirit is our original design. The places that the enemy torments us the most, the things we think we will never be free of, the sin that haunts us...these are the places we are destined for the most greatness. You claim to be shy? I call bluff...God didn't make anyone shy, it's the enemies silly little idea to keep you shut up for the rest of your life because what's actually behind those lips of yours could actually shift a culture. You're rebellious and it's just who you are....NO WAY, NO HOW!!! You are righteous at your very core. You will stand up for the things that others will not stand up for. You are riddled with righteousness and truth...but what if you started walking in it, raising your children in it. You are a straight forward and a rough around the edges...I think not. You are a dang teddy bear that's got more love and compassion shut away in your bones that you would ever care to admit. What would happen to your life and your relationships if those tough walls came down and compassion and love were what flowed forth???? Crazy right???

My chains kept me from walking in relationship, from truly loving those around me. It kept my walls nice and high so no one would get in, so no one could hurt me....BAD IDEA!!!! I am sitting here now a woman radically changed, who can love, who can be loved, who has the heart of a momma and who desires freedom for all the captives. What if I would have never shed my own chains...SCARY!!! Dear Lord...thank you for saving me.

We all have a story. We all have a testimony. The things that we battle through in our lives are tests so that we have a testimony. 

Testimony: is a compilation of words that tells others about your faith. It can explain why you are a Christian, experiences you have had, how you overcame sin, and more. Testimonies are often presented to other people to help them through situations or to demonstrate a point. It is used to reinforce the truth of the matter.

I got to speak into the life of my friend because I just sat there thinking..."Oh man I know exactly where she's at, God give me boldness to speak truth that is so injected with love and not condemnation, mercy without judgement.

So now...please do not go and try and fix your friends...We are to walk in relationship, edifying one another, speaking truth and life. Our words are to be encouraging, exhorting, and edifying. Please don't find the faults and start pointing them out. Walk with your friend, love them without fixing them. Because love covers a multitude of sins. There is joy in repentance. If you see the stronghold, repent, receive forgiveness, rebuke the lies, and replace it with truth. Let's just be done with all the stuff you know? If it's there choose to leave it behind and day by day freedom will look better and better!!!

My hearts desire to everyday break off HOW I WAS and walk more and more into WHO I AM!!! Someone said to me once, "I know this man called Jesus and most people don't know Him like I do." This statement radically altered my life and began this journey of freedom. I'm not talking about religion, I'm talking about a relationship with the creator of heaven and earth. He is so good...we don't need 20 years of counseling to get through all of our junk...the cross was enough. Freedom is right in front of our noses, we just have to reach out and grab it.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1
Burpees
KettkeBell Swings

[editor's note: as always... I am already sore]

How I Am vs. Who I Am...Round One

The other day I was voxering (pretty sure that's not a real thing, but voter is a walkie talkie app on my phone) anyway I was talking to Lu and we got into an intense conversation... it was so intense we both thought it should be a blog post... or two... so today I'm sharing the first part of our convo and Monday she will be sharing the nitty gritty guts of it in ROUND TWO!

So, I was telling her that I felt like God had asked me to get off of my computer for the day on Wednesday. I was fighting it or course,  but probably not for the reason you think. In the past when people have made declarations of not being on Facebook or the internet or drinking coffee or watching tv ... or WHATEVER... I would do a silent head bob in my heart and kinda think well aren't we just all that plus a bag of chips. So when I felt like God was asking me to take a respite, because I desperately needed one, I got all squidgy and that old defensive rebellion crept up almost unnoticed... almost... and this is what ensued...

{Lindsay}: Almost everything that offends me and pisses me off and makes me be like "ohhhh aren't you so great", is because when people say things about their own faith or what they feel like God has called them to do (example: quitting Facebook, having study time in the morning, or any other discipline) I feel like they're saying I'm not as good as they are because I'm not doing it [editor's note: stay with me I totally realize how LAME this is]... which is pretty self centered actually. But for me, my anger always comes from a place of feeling pushed down or like I'm not worthy or that I'm less than.

{Lu}: Here's the thing about that, when we walk in places... and this is going to sound harsh but I've walked in the same thing... but when we walk in places of self pity and self rejection it leads us to make assumptions. So you make an automatic assumption that what that person is doing is something you should be doing when in fact it's probably not. Everybody's walk looks different.

When we sit in and don't throw rocks at self pity and self rejections it leads us to make assumptions that are totally false. Because the enemy is the GREATEST OF ACUSERS ... and this is my own same struggle and I make assumptions all of the time and it has lead to much destruction in my life and friendships.

{Lindsay}: It's so true, I want to shed these things that I don't like about myself and I know God is calling me to just be done with... but it's these little things you're saying... like HOLY CRAP... about the self pitying that are so true!!! AHHH! I mean I have no words... I love how you can just spit stuff out because I'm over here going AHH ERR AHHH! Like I have no words, but I love what you're saying.

(the rest of the conversation to be revealed in Lu's Monday post... I promise I have more words)

Don't be blown away by my profoundness:):) I honestly couldn't speak because of what God was processing inside of me. For so long I have identified myself as a STRONG, INDEPENDENT, REBEL (like a good rebel everyone cheers for of course). I've got my head bob down, and my "screw you" attitude perfected. BUT I have realized I have been operating from a place of deep bitterness. Bitterness that sows seeds of anger and a critical spirit. Bitterness that keeps me focused on my inward hurts and inadequacies. I am not that person anymore... It's never WHO I WAS... it's HOW I CHOSE TO BE.


Today I rebuke those strongholds in my life. I rebuke the enemy in Jesus name. He has no power over me! I choose to allow God today to replace rebellion, anger and bitterness... with MEEKNESS, LOVE and FORGIVENESS. I will not sit in self pity and self rejection any longer... I will not allow who I thought I was to destroy anymore of my life or my relationships... I am free....

"Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many."

Hebrews 12:15