"SUBMISSION" Isn't A Four Letter Word... anymore

I have written before about the twitch I get in my stomach over the "S" word... no not that one, the other one... HMMHMM submission. That was me whispering the word.  Why is it so hard to say? Why is it so gut wrenchingly hard to do? I feel like it goes against my core, my human nature, my existence. WHY? Because it does.

A pastor friend of mine told me not too long ago that our reaction to anything in life speaks more about the state of our own hearts than what we're actually reacting to. 

In my humanness, when someone tells me to SUBMIT,  I put one finger up (my pointer finger people, sheesh) with my other hand on my hip and do the ever rebellious head bob. "Oh heck no," is the cry of my heart. Can you see how this complicates my life, my marriage, my friendships??

As I sift out my need for control, I'm finding it's got it's ugly claws lodged in so many areas in my life. I am so thankful for God gently showing me these areas... even in His gentleness though, even knowing he only wants me to be free to experience Him, I'm on this cyclical roller coaster of letting it go and then white knuckling it out of fear.

If I let go of control, will I lose me? If I submit fully to God and ahemmm my husband, will my voice be lost? Will I be less of a person? Will the me I think is really me cease to exist? This is the craziness that consumes my thoughts lately. 

You go through something weird when you get married and have kids. A few years into the journey it feels like parts of you are missing, like your only identity is as  his wife or their mom. It's like the fun, bubbly old me was traded in for an exhausted butt wiping puke cleaning shell of a woman. As I am emerging from that stage, having fewer butts to wipe and less puke to clean, I find myself fighting to be the old me again. The problem is... I think sometimes I get confused and unknowingly start picking the wrong fight. Instead of fighting to be me... I should be fighting to find my identity in Him. Fighting to bear the crowning glory of his sacrifice, humility and submission.

In his book Why Not Women, Loren Cunningham says, "Submission to God is the ultimate strength." He goes on to say, "True freedom comes when we submit to one another in humility."

I want this. I want this with God of course but also with my husband. We are called to submit to one another because it mirrors the relationship of the trinity. There's a beautiful harmony to it... it's what makes relationships work, and I want it. It's in understanding the importance and meaning of submission that I finally understand the idea of dying to myself, and becoming less so that He may become more.

{Sitting down, He called the twelve and said to them, “If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all."} Mark 9:35

Lord today I see it so clearly. I see how holding on to this entitlement of control is hurting my marriage and hurting my relationship with you. Thank you Lord. Forgive me Jesus for holding on, forgive my rebellion and pride ultimately rooted in the fear of being unimportant, unloved and not valued. I know this couldn't be further from your heart. Forgive me for seeking an identity apart from you. Restore me Jesus... thank you for tenderly opening my eyes to this barrier between us!  I receive your freedom.

Going Fearless: Is it for you?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the F.E. blog, about fight night and about the dreams and plans God has put on my mind and embedded in my guts. When I think about it all, sometimes I'm exciting and honestly sometimes I wonder if any of it really matters. I know it does down deep but sometimes it just feels like one more thing to sell, and I'm sick of selling. That's when I realize though that I've moved from having the mind of Christ to the mind of Lindsay... I've taken the control back... I've started scheming about how to make things happen my way and in my time and it's depressing because it feels huge and overwhelming and impossible.

Yesterday I felt like someone had sucker punched me in the throat. I felt defeated about everything... EVERYTHING.  I'm on my period, I'm flippen sick, my kids were going nuts and I was pretty sure the brown stripe on the sheets next to me wasn't chocolate (a parting gift from one of my monkeys... fun times) annnnnnd that's when I knew I had to choose to laugh and pull back from the situation or I would've had to drink an entire bottle of wine in the fetal position in the corner of my room to recover.

The enemy often tries to get the heaviness of "right now" to cloud our eternal perspectives. But if we continue focus on ourselves and our needs... our entitlements and how we feel... WE will stay stuck. Fear can disguise it's self and the great accuser will use it to twist and distort reality. The enemy will take an atom sized portion of insecurity, anger, or selfishness and blow it up until it feels heavy and threatens to collapse us under it's enormous weight.

Fear is the root of so many things... fear keeps us from growing, it keeps us from moving forward and it keeps us from weeding out the lies that hold us back... because sometimes we don't want to see them.

Going fearless is the very first step we have to take in being truly transformed... it's the first step in smashing the enemy's pull in our lives, it's the first step in showing God we actually believe He can do mighty things in our lives and we're willing to prove it with life instead of just sining about it on Sundays.

Going fearless means everything, because it is everything. It's freedom and adventure and love and joy and everything life should be. Fearless means not being threatened by another's success and pushing others toward greatness while searching for call and giftings IN HIM. Being fearless is not being afraid to risk it all because He tells us He has our backs. The best thing about going fearless though?? ANYONE CAN DO IT!  I want to scream:

I am ordinary... HEAR ME ROAR! 

Because I am ordinary ANNND I am choosing to go fearless because of Him. Anyone who believes in Christ and His promises can live a life that means something, that's significant, that can change the world and the course of history. My wonder boys can be fearless... no matter what challenges autism and the social ramifications living with a neurological disorder brings... they can still claim victory in Christ and live bold fearless lives... and they do, it's kind of beautiful actually.

Fearless is a battle cry for young and old, rich and poor, man or woman... Living fearless is for you. He's asking you to try it... He's asking you to live it... are you ready??? It's scary I won't lie... you'll have to leave the rules and boxes that make you feel safe... God doesn't live in a box or a building or a set of check lists to follow... and He's calling us to follow... can you leave it all behind for him?? It won't be easy... but you won't be alone.

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. Romans 8:15-17

Ready for freedom? If you're in Southern Oregon come check out FIGHT NIGHT! We meet the second Monday of every month to fight for our families, and for the revival Christ is stirring in our guts!Women are scary! I get that... it can be intimidating to walk in expecting to feel judged but seriously this is a great group of women and we all check our crap at the door! No judging, no false fronts, just realness, grace and love (don't worry I'm not going to break out in a song of Kumbaiya :)

Next FIGHT NIGHT: Oct 8, 7-9 at Havana Republic Downtwon Medford.

The Scariest Prayer I've Ever Prayed

In the same way, you younger men must accept the authority of the elders. And all of you, serve each other in humility, for

“God opposes the proud

but favors the humble.”

-1 Peter 5:5

It's always made me squidgy when people, actors, singers... whoever say, "I'm humbled by..." I guess I never really understood what it meant and half the time it feels wrote and completely not genuine anyway.

When we received our new home... built by the sacrifices of our community... built by contractors and carpenters and volunteers who were out of work and even homeless, for the first time I knew the depths of what that phrase means. It's this feeling in your guts that makes you want to cry and throw up and praise God all at once. It's a stripping of any fronts before God and his people. It's feeling naked and exposed and unworthy but so very grateful. And it's in this humbled state that God can mold us and grow us and true, deep, REAL relationships and communities can be cemented together. 

Years ago my husband C.J. was a youth pastor at a local church. On our last outreach with our high school group we did a mission to Medford and served different people in our community. At night we took the kids to a campground about an hour north of us to sing and pray and reflect on how God moved throughout the day. On the last night of this last adventure with our kids C.J. challenged us all to pray the scariest prayer we could pray.

"LORD, HUMBLE ME."

He said if we did it would be one of the most spiritually powerful things we would ever experience... and to watch out... because God would answer this. I didn't pray the prayer that night... I was too afraid. For like a decade I have continued to be afraid of those three words. It hasn't been until I've truly experienced and seen the heart of God over the past year that I realize this prayer won't bring embarrassment or humiliation... I have pictured myself on my knees praying this and instantly getting a blistering rash over my face or tripping and falling down in front of lots of people or walking around all day with my zipper undone. Seriously!! I thought those things are what this prayer would bring... but after experiencing the build, after experiencing the affects of the tearing away of years of crap that's held me back... by God's sweet gentle grace, I realized praying this prayer will result in beauty, rawness, and growth that can only come from really really trusting that God wants to give me an abundant life of love and freedom.

As I was talking to my friend the other day on the phone and we were discussing our secret motives, our need to be liked and praised by people and we just prayed... right there over the phone, on her break at work... LORD, HUMBLE US. When I was done praying she said HOLY CRAP Lindsay, you just asked God to humble us... bring it!!

Good news, no skin eating plague has struck my house, no huge embarrassments in front of large crowds has occurred (well, no more than usual at least.) What has happened... true, unadulterated vulnerability before God... deeper friendships, more awareness of what is keeping me from knowing Him and a growing trust, from a girl that trusts no one, in my God, my husband, my family and friends. This prayer is only scary if you're afraid to let go of the false fronts you put up... it's only scary if you're not ready to have walls be broken down and your eyes opened to who HE created you to be. It's been a mighty and powerful prayer that I will continue to pray on this journey... the only thing I regret is not praying it sooner!

LORD, HUMBLE US. Pray it with me girls! Jesus, strip us of ourselves. Peal back the layers of doubt, anger, control, self-hate, insecurity, pride, cynicism, rebellion and jealousy. Reveal us for who we are IN YOU. Help us yearn for the rawness and realness that comes with this prayer... move us forward, open our eyes to see who you created us to be... use this prayer to break down walls and bust out vaults that are keeping us from knowing and loving you... and each other.... praise you Jesus for a new day and a fresh start... give us eyes to see your reality. -Amen

Breaking the Silence...

It's  been over a month since my last post but it's felt like years. I have been silenced. By genetics I'm a nervous talker... my mom is one too... we have a disorder called FOAS, hmm hmm fear of awkward silence. So so so often I talk or write to fill a void.

SILENCE IS AWKWARD AND SQUIDGY. 

Yesterday we had our first Fearless and Fit Retreat up here. It was actually pretty amazing. We did this thing called knee to knee eye to eye where complete strangers had to be authentic and real and vulnerable with each other... while touching knees and looking in eyes. I was leading the exercise, not even participating and it made me pitty. Afterward my friend Heather said she realized her need to fill the silence for the other person, she said she realized she was just trying to avoid awkwardness but in doing so wasn't allowing the other person to own and experience the exercise in their own way. She really is one of the most profound women I know. To realize that about yourself in a matter of minutes and own it is amazing. I've been tap dancing and vomitting verbally on people my entire life because silence has always been scary to me.

This past month I've realized there really is nothing scary about silence. It's in the silence that we can listen and hear God's voice... we can listen and hear the needs of others around us. Silence is where we move from me center thinking to kingdom centered thinking, because when we can shut our mouths and silence our thoughts we make room for the Holy Spirit to move in and take over. We make room for compassion and service and doing rather than just talking about doing so other people will praise us.

The other day a friend called and left me a message saying she had to confess something to me. In an attempt to avoid any awkwardness I called her back and when she said hello I bursted out, "Hey you don't have to confess anything to me, I love you, there is nothing you can do to change it we're good." My inability to be quiet and even let her get her confession out ROBBED her of what she needed that day. It upset her and rightly so... silence is highly UNDER RATED!

In silence I have realized how many of my words have been used to build my own kingdom rather than His. There are so many words out there... so many opinions and teachings... so many great books so many people trying to put in their two sense. I guess I just don't want to add to the noise anymore... in life or on the blog. So,  UNTIL He actually gives me words to speak or write I shall be silenced. I want to get awkward and squidgy and itchy (thanks Annie for the new term:)) and pitty in the silence as I wait to hear and speak ONLY what he has for me to speak. I am sick of squelching the Holy Spirit because of my need for comfort. This is a hard statement to make in the blogging world when rule numero uno is to have a regular blogging schedule... but I can't... I want my words to be His... I want The Fearless Experience to be spirit led and Kingdom minded. This might mean a post a day for weeks and then nothing for months... I don't know... but I love you and Him too much to be another source of noise in your day... Here's to getting squidgy!!

Igniting the Fight...

So many things to surrender... so little time.

|SURRENDER| It's the sometimes hidden cure for every stronghold and every lie the enemy whispers in our ears. As I move forward in this fearless journey the one thing I know is HE doesn't just want us to surrender a little thing here and a little thing there. HE WANTS IT ALL... the deepest, darkest, most shameful thing we wouldn't utter to anyone... that part of our insides we can't imagine living without because we don't know who we'd be without it... He wants it and He's desperate for us to let it go.

Last night we were having dinner with friends that we haven't hung out with for years. It was one of those nights that was just anointed by the Holy Spirit... or to sound less christianeesee ... it just freaken rocked. He told us about a friend of his who asks these super deep questions like, "If you truly believed God loved you, what would it look like." I think a lot of us would say "hey I know he loves me." But honestly for me I know that response is just crap.

If we actually could comprehend the depth of HIS love for us we wouldn't be white knuckling things like guilt and fear and insecurities. If we were seriously confident in HIS love for us we would be encouragers and champions to absolutely EVERYONE... not just the easy people who aren't threatening to us in any way. The thing about surrendering and submitting is they come across as week sounding by the world's standards... almost like you're giving in and giving up. BUT... there is HUGE freedom in saying yes to HIM... and trusting his love is ENOUGH... and then just letting it all go.

The idea of surrender is too huge to capture in one FIGHT NIGHT... or one blog post. So this month as a way to {IGNITE THE FIGHT} and jump on this fearless train ... all of my blog posts will be surrounding the idea of surrendering different issues... from pride and rebellion to insecurities and envy... 

SURRENDER. SURRENDER. SURRENDER... Lord Jesus I surrender it ALL to you... all of my shame and guilt, pride and envy... using food as an idol ...caring what other people think more than I care about your call on my life... LORD I SURRENDER... it's yours... you're big enough, I believe in your love for me. I claim it right now and I am crying out for a fresh passion to surrender the junk and lies that are holding me back from moving mountains in your name. PRAISE YOU JESUS!

We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. -Romans 6:6

Dancing in the Minefields...

{Dancing in the minefields} That's the thought that keeps wafting through my mind as I'm trying to grip the reality of life. I (we) have a relationship with Minefields. I just didn't realize how close of a relationship it was. I found out it's where I live. Permanently. And so does everyone else. Somehow I had thought that the minefields of life were rare and possible to avoid, or that was the goal. And if you found yourself in one, you should just spastically run through it, darting this way and that, until you've made it out as unscathed as possible. Maybe for some souls life is that way. But, I think the reality for most of us, is that we are LIVING in the minefields. So waiting until we get out to dance, means we'll never dance at all.

Well... (I tell God) at least now in my "minefield life" I have learned how to shuffle around robotically. Working day and night maneuvering and outwitting foreseen negatives. I'm heavy-laden and lacking joy but, hey, at least I'm trying to get us outta here, right?. God's grace is patient, but His desire for my freedom is bigger. Surviving is not good enough for Him or me! I was created to dance. The real kind of dancing. Not awkward, forced movements we all do because.....well....we've been saved too long not to, plus, everyone's watching. But the free, effortless movements that come from a soul that is floating on the wings of a Saviour.

But how do I get that in me? How do I dance with that fluid expression of joy whilst things are blowing up around me. And worse yet, what if things get eerily quiet? What about then? There's still all those looming places I "think" should be blowing soon, so I'm obsessively watching and arranging my life around them. No peace. Ever.

I don't know how others feel, but I am exhausted. Exhausted from the avoidance patterns I run. Exhausted from the extreme molting I experience every time I am nearly hit. I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS. Out of sheer weakness and misery I believe I am ready to face this demon. (Not the way I pictured heading into victory). Dear God, deliver me! And anyone else who has lived a life paralyzed by fear! What would it feel like if I did not fret about losing my life....or losing the life of of my children? AHHH!!! Does that state of peace exist? I think it does.

When my 2 yr old son went from a healthy boy to 2 days later laying in Portland's ICU with a chest tube.......I learned about the freedom God wanted to give me. I stared down at my baby boy's face for 7 days searching for any signs that these freakish, sudden complications of Pneumonia was not the way it was all gonna end. God revealed himself to me. It was not about the comfort that comes from believing in His promises to heal, although I knew He wanted to. He taught me about His Sovereinty. The same Sovereinty and Majesty I'd witnessed days before when looking out that small airplane window that transported my little boy. Amazing!! My life felt so overwhelming, yet His cosmic powers were holding this whole place together with just a word from His lips. There is peace in knowing our days are numbered. There is peace in knowing that even though I am called to be the best steward, I am still not responsible for how many breathes I take.

God could have prevented Lucas from ever getting sick. He could've healed him on Day 2 with antibiotics, or even Day 3 with the chest tube would have been nice. But on day 7 (of course) he swept in, wiped the effusions and infection from his lung and granted complete healing. Praise God!! It was only hours before that the xray had shown horrific damage that only a surgeon could reverse. Glory to God!! Praise Him!! He is powerful!!..........Phew! As we wipe the sweat from our brow....

But........wait.....what about next time, I ask? What about when the numbers on a life I love really are up? What about that pain? What about those goodbyes? What do we do then? God's answer was still the same......

I AM. TRUST ME. IT'S TIME TO DANCE.
I think I will.

I married in 2000, 4 months after meeting the love of my life. The next 11yrs proved to be amazing....filled with laughter and tears as God filled our home with 5 more. I am honored and humbled everyday I get to stay home with my kids. The task momma's face daily is daunting....and I shake my head in wonderment that I've been allowed to do it after all my failures! My children's ages are 10, 8, 7, 5, and 3
and without the love of my amazing man, I don't know where I'd be!

When HOPE becomes an idol, confessions of a warrior mom.

Oh I have been wrestling with the Lord a lot lately, okay, the last 10 years or so. A couple months ago God showed me that in a matter closest to my heart-and one that causes pain I never dreamed of-that instead of clinging to Christ I’d clung to hope. Hope is a wondrous thing. It’s a good thing and often in my life I cling to things that my Bible tells me are good things: holiness, faith, hope, and love, etc.

Can hope become an idol?I guess so, for me anyway. I had built hope up into something that became my rock. 

“The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. (Psalms 18:2)” 

It does not say hope is my rock. No wonder my walk with God lost its vibrancy. I have hoped beyond hope for a situation to be reconciled…or more honestly put, “fixed to my satisfaction, for my joy”. I was with a couple other moms retreating for a night and as I sat alone in the lobby of this old hotel in the morning with my Bible, I recognized that God was calling me out. (I told my friends I felt “spanked”.) I was wrong. My hope is IN HIM, not in hope. I am to cast all my cares on HIM, not in hope that they get better or that the difficulties my son experiences with autism magically depart. I think it was easier to hope in hope, so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of not having my prayers answered the way I want. I have often hated the “A” word (aka autism) for so many reasons . Mostly because it feels like "it" steals the best of who my son is and steals peace and joy from our home. It feels like a tool of the enemy who wants to steal everything good and cause destruction of hurricane proportions.

The last couple of weeks I have wrestled with God over pulling our son from public school. I have asked God (yes, I am ashamed), “Please don’t make me do this, anything but this”. I am not up to the task. My marriage will suffer. As little as I get out now…poof, now even less! Lunch dates with girlfriends will really never happen. Hubby and I will never have another lunch “date”. Great, kill me now.

I have been willing to serve God, even suffer for Him, but I have always wanted to choose HOW. 

I am so wrong, about so much. My love that I consider pure and unshakeable for God is really conditional. I want Him to have all of me…on my terms. Oh, that is so hard to type. I am selfish and lack trust. I have bucked the mantle of “suffering servant”. Christ washed the feet of his disciples and said we should do the same. It sounds nice, sure okay, I can do that. Can I really? Do I? I realized when it is for people who love me back, I can. When it’s from someone who essentially just takes and takes, sometimes cursing me in the process, I’m not so willing.

I would stand in front of a bullet for this boy-and my other 3 kids- or take the charge of an angry bear. I know without a shadow of a doubt that is true. How can I be so unwilling to keep pouring out love, in a different way, in the service of home schooling?

I don’t really want to attempt the hard stuff feel all challenged and actually experience failure on a regular basis. I have to lay it all out for God and ask Him to show me the ick…I know it’s there. I just want to ignore it and make some brownies. However, my true heart for Him is manifest in how I deal with suffering.

Am I really willing to share in the suffering of my Lord and Savior or do I just talk a good game?

As a mom I have felt suffering. Parenthood opens your soul up wide to every potential kind of hurt that exists. Am I ready to embrace it in a way that allows God to change me into someone who may one day resemble his Son, the One who modeled perfect love? Do I just want to use my suffering to commiserate with other moms and let them know they are not alone? Suffering, Lord, any kind, let me be willing to walk through it with You.

“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.”

—2 Corinthians 4:8-11

So much comes down to fear and pride in this one question for me, “What if I’m not enough?!” I have asked it and felt it for much of my life. The answer? Who the heck is? That’s why I need Jesus, that is why HE suffered. I am NOT enough, only He is. In surrender, I see that autism can be a tool in which God continues to scrape away the selfish, peace and joy seeking parts of my character. When that happens, maybe I will really learn what it means to seek Jesus, wholeheartedly. Maybe, homeschooling is the screen upon which my son will be able to see Jesus in his mommy. I’ve tried to show him in countless other ways for years, but maybe this will be the venue, time, and place that God will capture his attention and his heart. That makes me smile and feel strangely unafraid for what’s to come.

Fighting Emotion with Prayer and Grace

I want to talk about emotions…and doubt and fear… No matter how you look at it.. We are emotional people. We get annoyed (I get annoyed a lot...im working on it.) I get sad, I get excited I get angry… and the list goes on. I sometimes let all these emotions get in the way of meeting with God ...every day. I FEEL less than… I FEEL like I'm not doing enough for Him.. I FEEL like I can do better.. Or be used by Jesus in bigger and better ways.. All those feelings of mine.. Are self-doubt!! Its like this war going on in my head.. It's total confusion.. I pray before I get out of bed… “Lord, Use me today. I want to lay my entire day at your feet Lord, use me for your purpose today and not my own” then I get out of bed and my husband didn’t make the coffee or take the stinky dinner trash out and im ANNOYED… (even though I just prayed, this meaningful prayer) I let my emotions get me every time!!!

So then I have a choice.. Say “thanks for making the coffee… I really appreciate it, and it smells really “good” in here by the way” in a major sarcastic tone with my robe on and bed head… that’s got to be a terrible way for my husband to wake up… oh my gosh.. Now he will be annoyed!! OR I can make the coffee and take the trash out and when my husband gets up say “good morning”…

I pray for Gods Grace.

I want to be a better wife, mother and friend.. I can't do any of these things without Jesus every single day. Every step of the way.. every time I get upset or annoyed..

Our emotions and thoughts are linked to each other.. our thoughts and feelings cant rule us, unless we let them.

Romans 8:5 says. .For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.

So if we let our thoughts lead us… which are probably not going to be good if we are angry or sad or annoyed.. We will have bad attitudes towards everything.. Flesh without the holy spirit is dark and negative and NOT a good place to be... But if we learn the word of God and set our minds to having a mind of the spirit we will be filled with life and peaceful calm emotions and Joy and Love.. Jesus called us to peace

I have to pray for this..

Every day I need to ask for His guidance and love and Grace. I need these things to be a better Wife, Mother and Friend... I am human and have a sinful nature.. This is why its so important for me to lay my day down each morning for Him. To meet God in the first thing and see where it leads my day. Sometimes I literally roll out of bed and go to the kitchen put my hands on my bible and say “Lord im meeting you.. Please meet me, I want to hear you Lord, show me what you want me to see today."

If I am calm and peaceful I can learn to have an ear to hear Him and what He wants from me in each day..

… I have been amazed at His plan for me!! He has divine meetings for all of us if we let him! 

[editors note: I was listening to a podcast this week and it was challenging listeners to start each day by praising God for 10 things... before our feet hit the floor in the morning to praise him... I have seen such a difference as I pray and praise him in the morning... I AM NOT a morning person... and this helps me start off with JOY and CONTENTMENT... it's been the most amazingly simple but profoundly impacting thing I've done in my spiritual life... Linz:)]

Round 2: How I Am vs. Who I Am....Let's Get Ready to rummmbbbllllee!

Photography by Holly Stout

I'm picking up round two {CHECK OUT ROUND ONE} and running with it today. I love that Lindsay left me with the nitty gritty....OH THE PRESSURE.

This weekend I unbound the pages of my journals. It's time to write my story about my journey these last two and a half years. Some of the pages I came across made me cringe....it brought back so many memories of the woman I was...how I was. YUCK...sure there were good qualities about me but oh dear Jesus I was a mess.

Let me just put How I Was in nutshell for you:
-Insecure
-Inconsistent
-Angry
-Impatient
-Unapproachable
-Unavailable
-Prideful
-FULL OF SELF-PITY
-Perfectionist
-Unkind
-Ungracious
-Bitter
-Resentful...ok I'm just going to stop now....you pretty much get the point.

As many of you know Lindsay will just tell you how it is...well so do I. So as you can see this could make for a very dangerous combination...but it doesn't. It's actually like the Lord has laced my lips with some sort of grace that what comes out of my mouth she hears. It's pretty weird actually, wouldn't you say Lindsay??? Even if it's straight up truth...I sort of sit preparing to hear a dial tone...but I don't.

And as time passed I began to change...a lot of time...I don't catch on real fast...I'm slightly stubborn. But basically what I'm saying is that the truth she spoke started to open my eyes to HOW I WAS.

I saw how I was and I seriously hated it but I was just stumbling in the same way, saying the same things and then apologizing AGAIN (for like the 50th time). I so desperately wanted to be different but it was a process. Slowly but surely I began to change. I began to win the battle of my strongholds. There were days when I didn't actually know how I was functioning in my own skin. I was laughing more, I was way more friendly, strangers would chat with me at Starbucks, men would open doors for me and actually look me in the eye...

THIS ALL MAY SEEM VERY SILLY TO YOU BUT IT WAS MY LIFE....

So back to Linz and my conversation, I was given liberty to speak into her life because I knew exactly where she was. You could hear the chains she was bound by....so basically I was like ok here we go. And what came out was, the bondage that she had been walking in...we don't need to name em...hahaha. But the opening of the eyes to our strongholds gives the enemy less foothold. When we know the stronghold of sin we are walking in we recognize it more clearly, joyfully repent and then begin to walk in the opposite spirit. The opposite spirit is our original design. The places that the enemy torments us the most, the things we think we will never be free of, the sin that haunts us...these are the places we are destined for the most greatness. You claim to be shy? I call bluff...God didn't make anyone shy, it's the enemies silly little idea to keep you shut up for the rest of your life because what's actually behind those lips of yours could actually shift a culture. You're rebellious and it's just who you are....NO WAY, NO HOW!!! You are righteous at your very core. You will stand up for the things that others will not stand up for. You are riddled with righteousness and truth...but what if you started walking in it, raising your children in it. You are a straight forward and a rough around the edges...I think not. You are a dang teddy bear that's got more love and compassion shut away in your bones that you would ever care to admit. What would happen to your life and your relationships if those tough walls came down and compassion and love were what flowed forth???? Crazy right???

My chains kept me from walking in relationship, from truly loving those around me. It kept my walls nice and high so no one would get in, so no one could hurt me....BAD IDEA!!!! I am sitting here now a woman radically changed, who can love, who can be loved, who has the heart of a momma and who desires freedom for all the captives. What if I would have never shed my own chains...SCARY!!! Dear Lord...thank you for saving me.

We all have a story. We all have a testimony. The things that we battle through in our lives are tests so that we have a testimony. 

Testimony: is a compilation of words that tells others about your faith. It can explain why you are a Christian, experiences you have had, how you overcame sin, and more. Testimonies are often presented to other people to help them through situations or to demonstrate a point. It is used to reinforce the truth of the matter.

I got to speak into the life of my friend because I just sat there thinking..."Oh man I know exactly where she's at, God give me boldness to speak truth that is so injected with love and not condemnation, mercy without judgement.

So now...please do not go and try and fix your friends...We are to walk in relationship, edifying one another, speaking truth and life. Our words are to be encouraging, exhorting, and edifying. Please don't find the faults and start pointing them out. Walk with your friend, love them without fixing them. Because love covers a multitude of sins. There is joy in repentance. If you see the stronghold, repent, receive forgiveness, rebuke the lies, and replace it with truth. Let's just be done with all the stuff you know? If it's there choose to leave it behind and day by day freedom will look better and better!!!

My hearts desire to everyday break off HOW I WAS and walk more and more into WHO I AM!!! Someone said to me once, "I know this man called Jesus and most people don't know Him like I do." This statement radically altered my life and began this journey of freedom. I'm not talking about religion, I'm talking about a relationship with the creator of heaven and earth. He is so good...we don't need 20 years of counseling to get through all of our junk...the cross was enough. Freedom is right in front of our noses, we just have to reach out and grab it.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1
Burpees
KettkeBell Swings

[editor's note: as always... I am already sore]

The Monster in My Closet….

My mom died a year and a half ago, that day forever changed my life. I am definitely not the same woman I was before that awful day. But this is not a story of my battle through sorrow and grief…..although I feel like I could write a book on it…..this is a story for when the “year of grief” was over and real life began again.

When 2012 began, it had been 14 months since my beautiful mom passed away. God had walked with me through that year of sorrow and He was so faithful. He picked me up when I couldn’t breathe. He kept planting His Word in me and reminding me that I was never alone and I felt like an orphan some days. It was clear God wanted to use the compassion and tenderness I had for others to minister to teen girls. This new ministry called “Girls Nite In” began developing just 6 months after my mom died. I was raw and the wounds were just barely scabbing over. I remember thinking “YES Lord….but really? Now?” And the Lord said YES!!!! There are teens withering and self destructing and the Lord wanted to reach them with His love and hope!!!

(Girls Nite In is a ministry to teen girls where we discuss the real issues of life. We meet once a month and talk about things like divorce, sex, toxic relationships, self hate, anxiety, loss & grief. We are raw and candid. GNI has about 60 girls that come every month and 40 women leaders. God has used this ministry to reach girls that are hurting and need a Savior!! This school year has been such an adventure that I never dreamed possible!)

So let me rewind back to January of this year. I had a couple people approach me and share a “word from the Lord” with me. I remember thinking, “Why in the world is God not speaking to me directly? Why is He using someone else to tell me what He wants to say?” His Word to me was that HE was calling me and calling me…..and I was not listening…..I was holding something back. I wrestled with this for a while…for a couple months actually. I would get on my knees begging the Lord to show me something.

“Lord, I have given you everything!! I have given you my mom….I have given you my time…I am being obedient with Girls Nite In….putting my heart on a platter….being transparent…..doing what You have asked!! What more do you want??” I have to be honest and tell you that I was mad. I was so mad that God wanted more!!! Hadn’t I already given ENOUGH? I was just coming back to reality and off the grief journey. Couldn’t I catch a break?? Couldn’t I just rest a little bit?? 

I really didn’t know what I was holding back.

Then a few weeks ago, my dear sweet Lindsay posted that video blog about doing something scary. As soon as I finished watching I knew that I needed to go before the Lord and do something I feared. It was obvious to me that I was holding something back. It’s like there was an ugly, scary monster in my closet and I didn’t want to open the door and let it out. I wanted to leave it in there because it was “safe” in there!! But instead of ignoring the pull on my heart….I sat before the Lord and I cried out to Him. I put words to that fear! I called it what it was and told the Lord. (He already knew of course….and been waiting for me to come to Him) That ugly monster was NOT SAFE!! It was keeping me captive. It was keeping me from the Lord. That fear actually controlled a part of me that I didn’t even know. God wanted to free me completely! Here it is….I want to introduce you to my “monster”…..

I had just walked a scary painful road of grief. I never ever want to feel that kind of agony…I didn’t want to give God my whole life or heart again for fear He would hurt me. I didn’t even realize I hid that away until people were calling me on it. And it had become the ugly monster that kept me from my Lord and Savior.

When I cried out to God that day…..He told me “Yes, Treva….you have done everything I have asked of you and I am pleased with that. BUT, you have not given me ALL OF YOU…..YOU are holding something back from Me and I want all of you. We can’t move forward until you give me everything.” What God told me was that the only way I could be a speaker at Girls Nite In and minister to these girls, was to walk COMPLETELY with HIM and trust HIM with everything! I couldn’t do what He was asking of me if I let the monster of FEAR rule in my heart!!!! This was just 2 weeks ago that I opened my closet door and gave God my monster. Since then, we have had a Girls Nite In meeting…..and WOW, what God did that night was simply amazing!!! (That is for another story)…

Facing my fear head on…..and doing something super scary…..God showed me that trusting Him is the only way to see His full glory!!!! It is the only way to live….monster-free!!