My adulterous heart....

Last week I talked to a group of women about what it would look like to let Jesus define who we are... instead of listening to the lies and letting our pasts, our jobs, our possessions or even our sin define us. It sounds so simple... just say yes to God... but the moment I set my mind the that I feel like the enemy amps up his attacks on me and turns up the volume on the lies he was once just whispering in my ear

In John 8 there's a story of an adulterous woman...

"Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.


'Teacher,' they said to Jesus, 'this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?'


They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, 'All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!' Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.


When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, 'Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?'


'No, Lord,' she said.


And Jesus said, 'Neither do I. Go and sin no more.'"

I kind of identify with this adulterous woman. Don't get your panties in a bunch... I love my hubby... but if I'm honest I have to admit, I’m an adulterer in my relationship with God far too often.  I try to draw strength and comfort from so many things other than him. I turn to my husband or to my mom or friends or anything really, but the one person who can truly make things better. I turn to everything else before I remember that all I have to do is say YES... all I have to do is listen to his voice OVER the voice of the greatest of accusers. I have to rely on his love and grace, POWER and mercy... then he lifts me up dusts me off and says GO...

He told the woman to go and sin no more… but what I heard was Go… and let me define who you are…. 

The Monster in My Closet….

My mom died a year and a half ago, that day forever changed my life. I am definitely not the same woman I was before that awful day. But this is not a story of my battle through sorrow and grief…..although I feel like I could write a book on it…..this is a story for when the “year of grief” was over and real life began again.

When 2012 began, it had been 14 months since my beautiful mom passed away. God had walked with me through that year of sorrow and He was so faithful. He picked me up when I couldn’t breathe. He kept planting His Word in me and reminding me that I was never alone and I felt like an orphan some days. It was clear God wanted to use the compassion and tenderness I had for others to minister to teen girls. This new ministry called “Girls Nite In” began developing just 6 months after my mom died. I was raw and the wounds were just barely scabbing over. I remember thinking “YES Lord….but really? Now?” And the Lord said YES!!!! There are teens withering and self destructing and the Lord wanted to reach them with His love and hope!!!

(Girls Nite In is a ministry to teen girls where we discuss the real issues of life. We meet once a month and talk about things like divorce, sex, toxic relationships, self hate, anxiety, loss & grief. We are raw and candid. GNI has about 60 girls that come every month and 40 women leaders. God has used this ministry to reach girls that are hurting and need a Savior!! This school year has been such an adventure that I never dreamed possible!)

So let me rewind back to January of this year. I had a couple people approach me and share a “word from the Lord” with me. I remember thinking, “Why in the world is God not speaking to me directly? Why is He using someone else to tell me what He wants to say?” His Word to me was that HE was calling me and calling me…..and I was not listening…..I was holding something back. I wrestled with this for a while…for a couple months actually. I would get on my knees begging the Lord to show me something.

“Lord, I have given you everything!! I have given you my mom….I have given you my time…I am being obedient with Girls Nite In….putting my heart on a platter….being transparent…..doing what You have asked!! What more do you want??” I have to be honest and tell you that I was mad. I was so mad that God wanted more!!! Hadn’t I already given ENOUGH? I was just coming back to reality and off the grief journey. Couldn’t I catch a break?? Couldn’t I just rest a little bit?? 

I really didn’t know what I was holding back.

Then a few weeks ago, my dear sweet Lindsay posted that video blog about doing something scary. As soon as I finished watching I knew that I needed to go before the Lord and do something I feared. It was obvious to me that I was holding something back. It’s like there was an ugly, scary monster in my closet and I didn’t want to open the door and let it out. I wanted to leave it in there because it was “safe” in there!! But instead of ignoring the pull on my heart….I sat before the Lord and I cried out to Him. I put words to that fear! I called it what it was and told the Lord. (He already knew of course….and been waiting for me to come to Him) That ugly monster was NOT SAFE!! It was keeping me captive. It was keeping me from the Lord. That fear actually controlled a part of me that I didn’t even know. God wanted to free me completely! Here it is….I want to introduce you to my “monster”…..

I had just walked a scary painful road of grief. I never ever want to feel that kind of agony…I didn’t want to give God my whole life or heart again for fear He would hurt me. I didn’t even realize I hid that away until people were calling me on it. And it had become the ugly monster that kept me from my Lord and Savior.

When I cried out to God that day…..He told me “Yes, Treva….you have done everything I have asked of you and I am pleased with that. BUT, you have not given me ALL OF YOU…..YOU are holding something back from Me and I want all of you. We can’t move forward until you give me everything.” What God told me was that the only way I could be a speaker at Girls Nite In and minister to these girls, was to walk COMPLETELY with HIM and trust HIM with everything! I couldn’t do what He was asking of me if I let the monster of FEAR rule in my heart!!!! This was just 2 weeks ago that I opened my closet door and gave God my monster. Since then, we have had a Girls Nite In meeting…..and WOW, what God did that night was simply amazing!!! (That is for another story)…

Facing my fear head on…..and doing something super scary…..God showed me that trusting Him is the only way to see His full glory!!!! It is the only way to live….monster-free!!