Dancing in the Minefields...

{Dancing in the minefields} That's the thought that keeps wafting through my mind as I'm trying to grip the reality of life. I (we) have a relationship with Minefields. I just didn't realize how close of a relationship it was. I found out it's where I live. Permanently. And so does everyone else. Somehow I had thought that the minefields of life were rare and possible to avoid, or that was the goal. And if you found yourself in one, you should just spastically run through it, darting this way and that, until you've made it out as unscathed as possible. Maybe for some souls life is that way. But, I think the reality for most of us, is that we are LIVING in the minefields. So waiting until we get out to dance, means we'll never dance at all.

Well... (I tell God) at least now in my "minefield life" I have learned how to shuffle around robotically. Working day and night maneuvering and outwitting foreseen negatives. I'm heavy-laden and lacking joy but, hey, at least I'm trying to get us outta here, right?. God's grace is patient, but His desire for my freedom is bigger. Surviving is not good enough for Him or me! I was created to dance. The real kind of dancing. Not awkward, forced movements we all do because.....well....we've been saved too long not to, plus, everyone's watching. But the free, effortless movements that come from a soul that is floating on the wings of a Saviour.

But how do I get that in me? How do I dance with that fluid expression of joy whilst things are blowing up around me. And worse yet, what if things get eerily quiet? What about then? There's still all those looming places I "think" should be blowing soon, so I'm obsessively watching and arranging my life around them. No peace. Ever.

I don't know how others feel, but I am exhausted. Exhausted from the avoidance patterns I run. Exhausted from the extreme molting I experience every time I am nearly hit. I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS. Out of sheer weakness and misery I believe I am ready to face this demon. (Not the way I pictured heading into victory). Dear God, deliver me! And anyone else who has lived a life paralyzed by fear! What would it feel like if I did not fret about losing my life....or losing the life of of my children? AHHH!!! Does that state of peace exist? I think it does.

When my 2 yr old son went from a healthy boy to 2 days later laying in Portland's ICU with a chest tube.......I learned about the freedom God wanted to give me. I stared down at my baby boy's face for 7 days searching for any signs that these freakish, sudden complications of Pneumonia was not the way it was all gonna end. God revealed himself to me. It was not about the comfort that comes from believing in His promises to heal, although I knew He wanted to. He taught me about His Sovereinty. The same Sovereinty and Majesty I'd witnessed days before when looking out that small airplane window that transported my little boy. Amazing!! My life felt so overwhelming, yet His cosmic powers were holding this whole place together with just a word from His lips. There is peace in knowing our days are numbered. There is peace in knowing that even though I am called to be the best steward, I am still not responsible for how many breathes I take.

God could have prevented Lucas from ever getting sick. He could've healed him on Day 2 with antibiotics, or even Day 3 with the chest tube would have been nice. But on day 7 (of course) he swept in, wiped the effusions and infection from his lung and granted complete healing. Praise God!! It was only hours before that the xray had shown horrific damage that only a surgeon could reverse. Glory to God!! Praise Him!! He is powerful!!..........Phew! As we wipe the sweat from our brow....

But........wait.....what about next time, I ask? What about when the numbers on a life I love really are up? What about that pain? What about those goodbyes? What do we do then? God's answer was still the same......

I AM. TRUST ME. IT'S TIME TO DANCE.
I think I will.

I married in 2000, 4 months after meeting the love of my life. The next 11yrs proved to be amazing....filled with laughter and tears as God filled our home with 5 more. I am honored and humbled everyday I get to stay home with my kids. The task momma's face daily is daunting....and I shake my head in wonderment that I've been allowed to do it after all my failures! My children's ages are 10, 8, 7, 5, and 3
and without the love of my amazing man, I don't know where I'd be!

The Monster in My Closet….

My mom died a year and a half ago, that day forever changed my life. I am definitely not the same woman I was before that awful day. But this is not a story of my battle through sorrow and grief…..although I feel like I could write a book on it…..this is a story for when the “year of grief” was over and real life began again.

When 2012 began, it had been 14 months since my beautiful mom passed away. God had walked with me through that year of sorrow and He was so faithful. He picked me up when I couldn’t breathe. He kept planting His Word in me and reminding me that I was never alone and I felt like an orphan some days. It was clear God wanted to use the compassion and tenderness I had for others to minister to teen girls. This new ministry called “Girls Nite In” began developing just 6 months after my mom died. I was raw and the wounds were just barely scabbing over. I remember thinking “YES Lord….but really? Now?” And the Lord said YES!!!! There are teens withering and self destructing and the Lord wanted to reach them with His love and hope!!!

(Girls Nite In is a ministry to teen girls where we discuss the real issues of life. We meet once a month and talk about things like divorce, sex, toxic relationships, self hate, anxiety, loss & grief. We are raw and candid. GNI has about 60 girls that come every month and 40 women leaders. God has used this ministry to reach girls that are hurting and need a Savior!! This school year has been such an adventure that I never dreamed possible!)

So let me rewind back to January of this year. I had a couple people approach me and share a “word from the Lord” with me. I remember thinking, “Why in the world is God not speaking to me directly? Why is He using someone else to tell me what He wants to say?” His Word to me was that HE was calling me and calling me…..and I was not listening…..I was holding something back. I wrestled with this for a while…for a couple months actually. I would get on my knees begging the Lord to show me something.

“Lord, I have given you everything!! I have given you my mom….I have given you my time…I am being obedient with Girls Nite In….putting my heart on a platter….being transparent…..doing what You have asked!! What more do you want??” I have to be honest and tell you that I was mad. I was so mad that God wanted more!!! Hadn’t I already given ENOUGH? I was just coming back to reality and off the grief journey. Couldn’t I catch a break?? Couldn’t I just rest a little bit?? 

I really didn’t know what I was holding back.

Then a few weeks ago, my dear sweet Lindsay posted that video blog about doing something scary. As soon as I finished watching I knew that I needed to go before the Lord and do something I feared. It was obvious to me that I was holding something back. It’s like there was an ugly, scary monster in my closet and I didn’t want to open the door and let it out. I wanted to leave it in there because it was “safe” in there!! But instead of ignoring the pull on my heart….I sat before the Lord and I cried out to Him. I put words to that fear! I called it what it was and told the Lord. (He already knew of course….and been waiting for me to come to Him) That ugly monster was NOT SAFE!! It was keeping me captive. It was keeping me from the Lord. That fear actually controlled a part of me that I didn’t even know. God wanted to free me completely! Here it is….I want to introduce you to my “monster”…..

I had just walked a scary painful road of grief. I never ever want to feel that kind of agony…I didn’t want to give God my whole life or heart again for fear He would hurt me. I didn’t even realize I hid that away until people were calling me on it. And it had become the ugly monster that kept me from my Lord and Savior.

When I cried out to God that day…..He told me “Yes, Treva….you have done everything I have asked of you and I am pleased with that. BUT, you have not given me ALL OF YOU…..YOU are holding something back from Me and I want all of you. We can’t move forward until you give me everything.” What God told me was that the only way I could be a speaker at Girls Nite In and minister to these girls, was to walk COMPLETELY with HIM and trust HIM with everything! I couldn’t do what He was asking of me if I let the monster of FEAR rule in my heart!!!! This was just 2 weeks ago that I opened my closet door and gave God my monster. Since then, we have had a Girls Nite In meeting…..and WOW, what God did that night was simply amazing!!! (That is for another story)…

Facing my fear head on…..and doing something super scary…..God showed me that trusting Him is the only way to see His full glory!!!! It is the only way to live….monster-free!!