Dancing in the Minefields...

{Dancing in the minefields} That's the thought that keeps wafting through my mind as I'm trying to grip the reality of life. I (we) have a relationship with Minefields. I just didn't realize how close of a relationship it was. I found out it's where I live. Permanently. And so does everyone else. Somehow I had thought that the minefields of life were rare and possible to avoid, or that was the goal. And if you found yourself in one, you should just spastically run through it, darting this way and that, until you've made it out as unscathed as possible. Maybe for some souls life is that way. But, I think the reality for most of us, is that we are LIVING in the minefields. So waiting until we get out to dance, means we'll never dance at all.

Well... (I tell God) at least now in my "minefield life" I have learned how to shuffle around robotically. Working day and night maneuvering and outwitting foreseen negatives. I'm heavy-laden and lacking joy but, hey, at least I'm trying to get us outta here, right?. God's grace is patient, but His desire for my freedom is bigger. Surviving is not good enough for Him or me! I was created to dance. The real kind of dancing. Not awkward, forced movements we all do because.....well....we've been saved too long not to, plus, everyone's watching. But the free, effortless movements that come from a soul that is floating on the wings of a Saviour.

But how do I get that in me? How do I dance with that fluid expression of joy whilst things are blowing up around me. And worse yet, what if things get eerily quiet? What about then? There's still all those looming places I "think" should be blowing soon, so I'm obsessively watching and arranging my life around them. No peace. Ever.

I don't know how others feel, but I am exhausted. Exhausted from the avoidance patterns I run. Exhausted from the extreme molting I experience every time I am nearly hit. I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS. Out of sheer weakness and misery I believe I am ready to face this demon. (Not the way I pictured heading into victory). Dear God, deliver me! And anyone else who has lived a life paralyzed by fear! What would it feel like if I did not fret about losing my life....or losing the life of of my children? AHHH!!! Does that state of peace exist? I think it does.

When my 2 yr old son went from a healthy boy to 2 days later laying in Portland's ICU with a chest tube.......I learned about the freedom God wanted to give me. I stared down at my baby boy's face for 7 days searching for any signs that these freakish, sudden complications of Pneumonia was not the way it was all gonna end. God revealed himself to me. It was not about the comfort that comes from believing in His promises to heal, although I knew He wanted to. He taught me about His Sovereinty. The same Sovereinty and Majesty I'd witnessed days before when looking out that small airplane window that transported my little boy. Amazing!! My life felt so overwhelming, yet His cosmic powers were holding this whole place together with just a word from His lips. There is peace in knowing our days are numbered. There is peace in knowing that even though I am called to be the best steward, I am still not responsible for how many breathes I take.

God could have prevented Lucas from ever getting sick. He could've healed him on Day 2 with antibiotics, or even Day 3 with the chest tube would have been nice. But on day 7 (of course) he swept in, wiped the effusions and infection from his lung and granted complete healing. Praise God!! It was only hours before that the xray had shown horrific damage that only a surgeon could reverse. Glory to God!! Praise Him!! He is powerful!!..........Phew! As we wipe the sweat from our brow....

But........wait.....what about next time, I ask? What about when the numbers on a life I love really are up? What about that pain? What about those goodbyes? What do we do then? God's answer was still the same......

I AM. TRUST ME. IT'S TIME TO DANCE.
I think I will.

I married in 2000, 4 months after meeting the love of my life. The next 11yrs proved to be amazing....filled with laughter and tears as God filled our home with 5 more. I am honored and humbled everyday I get to stay home with my kids. The task momma's face daily is daunting....and I shake my head in wonderment that I've been allowed to do it after all my failures! My children's ages are 10, 8, 7, 5, and 3
and without the love of my amazing man, I don't know where I'd be!