Surrender in the Fire...

It’s so crazy when you think you are really being tested, only to find you truly had no idea just how hot the furnace can get.  One of our sons, diagnosed in junior high with Asperger’s Syndrome, sits tonight in his own furnace.  As a 5 year old he was diagnosed with OCD, depression, and ADHD.  We’ve had a very long 16 years, seeking answers and help in many realms.  Grace has been abundant and answers have been few.

Our son is going into his second week locked up, with serious charges against him.  Our local paper did a sufficient job of sensationalizing a personal tragedy.  My husband and I were in Mexico celebrating our 20^th anniversary when the incident occurred.  We came back home days later and had our world rocked beyond anything we could have imagined.

My life is full of paradox: My mother’s heart feels shattered, yet God is holding me together.
I am weak and my brain doesn’t really want to function properly, yet He is strong.
My son may never come home again, yet I pray that He will know God as his shelter.

I grieve, but there is still joy. 

There are moments in my day where I feel about to crumble and I want to crawl into my bed and sob. I am relentlessly clinging to God because without Him, I could not even breathe and without Him and I can’t be the mother my kids need me to be. My heart feels so torn between wanting to sink into my sadness for just a while and to shed tears for what has been lost. The visits with Andrew are short and in a room full of people and I just want to hold him in my arms like I did when he was little. I hate letting go when the time is up, knowing that he is so ill equipped to handle being where he is, yet it is what God has allowed. I think of him so much when I go to bed, only a few miles away and untouchable. We all have prayed together every night as a family since the kids were little. I wonder if he still says his prayers when he goes to bed and I want to so much to ruffle his hair and tell him I love him before he falls asleep.

Was their 16th birthday party the last they will share? Was that our last Christmas together as a whole family? Only God knows those answers and I’m trying to stop my heart from asking those questions.

The real questions are:

Will my kids see me live out all my words about God for the last 16 years?
Will I still say “yes” to the God who allows suffocating pain?
Is my endurance so far just shock and will I fall apart completely when it completely subsides?
Do I trust and love God, no matter what?

My answers:I will die trying, yes, I really hope not, and 100% yes.
I want to say, like Job, though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Not that God wants to slay us, but we live a life that has no guarantees for tomorrow. We go about our lives so often thinking that we will have as many days as we choose, with all the people we choose. Really, it’s a vapor.

One thing I now know, after living through a variety of heartaches in my 43 years…I will not waste my pain. I cannot waste my pain. I will fight for God’s glory in every circumstance. I have been telling my kids, as I did the day we arrived back home to a life turned upside down…”Stay close to God as we walk this road. If we do, God can grow us and change us. We can become stronger and wiser. If we keep God at arm’s length (in anger or rebellion), or just try to Lone Ranger it (until we REALLY need Him), we will miss out.” I am learning that we can truly see His glory while standing in the furnace. One thing we must remember when we hear the fire roar and feel the heat upon our faces...there is Another in the midst of it all.

“Show mercy upon me, God, because it is in you that my soul hopes, and in the shadow of your wings I shall have refuge until trouble passes.” Psalm 57:1