Fearless Abandon

He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit. Titus 3:5 

Today while I was reading in the One Year Book of Hope (Nancy Guthrie) I was struck by a sentence or two. Like UPSIDE THE HEAD struck. It’s one of those times you think, “Wait, I know I’ve heard that before…or read that before…but…how did I not understand it until now??”

The light has gone on for me, for many reasons: the things I am learning about God since our recent family trauma, the ways that God has been waking my heart up by His grace in the last 10 months, and this whole Fearless Experiment trek of our dear friend, Lindsay.

Saying “yes” to God and trusting him in teeny and extravagant ways is something that’s been going on a lot around here. I am so grateful to be able to witness it (and experience it) because of Linz & co.’s transparency and letting others in on the changes happening, it’s beautiful! It’s just the beginning. Can you see how the fire of one person can help fuel and ignite the fire of many others?

God is changing us, helping us to experience fearless abandon. We say yes to Him and then leave the results to Him. It’s simple sounding, yet sometimes hard to do. I finally pulled the trigger on Sunday to build a little blog for moms (moms who ache) of prodigal, ill, or jailed children. I was SO AFRAID. I knew that God wanted me to, though. With a little fearless (or wreckless) abandon, I just stopped asking all the questions and set aside my pride, too. Some people do see moms like me as the leprous underbelly of society…or so my mind keeps trying to tell me. God knows me, though, and He created me to be more than a fearful follower.

But Samuel replied: "Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.” 1 Sam 15:22 

To OBEY is better than any sacrifice. I’m learning so much more about what that really means. We don’t sacrifice animals today, but we can sacrifice time and resources to help others. Sometimes our sacrifice stems from obedience. Some things are easier than others to sacrifice. 

Basically, saying yes to God, when He asks us to do something is far greater than the other things we may do-good things-for Him. 

Like, if we ask one of our kids to please load the dishwasher because the kitchen is a mess and we’re about to have company and you need to run to the store…and instead she organizes her closet, vacuums her room, or sifts through drawers to find items to donate to the needy. She is doing great things, yet, not done the thing we needed her to do. We will be disappointed (or freaking out). What she’s done is really nice, but not what we needed from her.

How do we know what we’re supposed to do or what God wants from us? I believe it’s the Holy Spirit in us and by purposefully seeking God every day. We have His Holy Spirit within us!!! That is amazing! Other world religions, from all I know, are about following tenants…on your own. Our one, true God lives within us! That hit me upside my head this morning and I feel like I should have the boldness of a superhero! How often I doubt and cower like Clark Kent…meek and mild mannered. Where is my boldness? There is nothing I cannot do that He asks me to!

Christ lives in me!!! This flabby body is the container for God’s greatness on earth!!! Wow, it just really soaked in. I’ve known it for over 25 years, why has it taken so long for me to believe it and start acting like it?? I feel fearlessly abandoned…I am weak, but He is strong! Through Him I can do whatever He asks of me…GREAT things! His Spirit lives through us, so our gross human nature can die and we can live an entirely new way. What a gift. Why, oh why have I spent so much time trying to do it on my own?

It’s incredible that the God of the universe wants to use US in His plans to change the world. We are modern day disciples, spreading the truth of who He is! We can be fearless, for real! 

I see so many incredible women around me, catching this fire for obedience. Saying yes to God can change our lives! It can change the lives of anyone around us. It is transformational and all around this valley, women are emerging from cocoons and taking flight. It’s a wonderful thing to see and I say THANK YOU to each of you “Yes Sayers”! You matter. What you say yes to matters. Fearlessness is contagious! Let’s ignite a firestorm so that others can see Christ more clearly!

Surrender in the Fire...

It’s so crazy when you think you are really being tested, only to find you truly had no idea just how hot the furnace can get.  One of our sons, diagnosed in junior high with Asperger’s Syndrome, sits tonight in his own furnace.  As a 5 year old he was diagnosed with OCD, depression, and ADHD.  We’ve had a very long 16 years, seeking answers and help in many realms.  Grace has been abundant and answers have been few.

Our son is going into his second week locked up, with serious charges against him.  Our local paper did a sufficient job of sensationalizing a personal tragedy.  My husband and I were in Mexico celebrating our 20^th anniversary when the incident occurred.  We came back home days later and had our world rocked beyond anything we could have imagined.

My life is full of paradox: My mother’s heart feels shattered, yet God is holding me together.
I am weak and my brain doesn’t really want to function properly, yet He is strong.
My son may never come home again, yet I pray that He will know God as his shelter.

I grieve, but there is still joy. 

There are moments in my day where I feel about to crumble and I want to crawl into my bed and sob. I am relentlessly clinging to God because without Him, I could not even breathe and without Him and I can’t be the mother my kids need me to be. My heart feels so torn between wanting to sink into my sadness for just a while and to shed tears for what has been lost. The visits with Andrew are short and in a room full of people and I just want to hold him in my arms like I did when he was little. I hate letting go when the time is up, knowing that he is so ill equipped to handle being where he is, yet it is what God has allowed. I think of him so much when I go to bed, only a few miles away and untouchable. We all have prayed together every night as a family since the kids were little. I wonder if he still says his prayers when he goes to bed and I want to so much to ruffle his hair and tell him I love him before he falls asleep.

Was their 16th birthday party the last they will share? Was that our last Christmas together as a whole family? Only God knows those answers and I’m trying to stop my heart from asking those questions.

The real questions are:

Will my kids see me live out all my words about God for the last 16 years?
Will I still say “yes” to the God who allows suffocating pain?
Is my endurance so far just shock and will I fall apart completely when it completely subsides?
Do I trust and love God, no matter what?

My answers:I will die trying, yes, I really hope not, and 100% yes.
I want to say, like Job, though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Not that God wants to slay us, but we live a life that has no guarantees for tomorrow. We go about our lives so often thinking that we will have as many days as we choose, with all the people we choose. Really, it’s a vapor.

One thing I now know, after living through a variety of heartaches in my 43 years…I will not waste my pain. I cannot waste my pain. I will fight for God’s glory in every circumstance. I have been telling my kids, as I did the day we arrived back home to a life turned upside down…”Stay close to God as we walk this road. If we do, God can grow us and change us. We can become stronger and wiser. If we keep God at arm’s length (in anger or rebellion), or just try to Lone Ranger it (until we REALLY need Him), we will miss out.” I am learning that we can truly see His glory while standing in the furnace. One thing we must remember when we hear the fire roar and feel the heat upon our faces...there is Another in the midst of it all.

“Show mercy upon me, God, because it is in you that my soul hopes, and in the shadow of your wings I shall have refuge until trouble passes.” Psalm 57:1

 

Surrender vs. Grudging Acceptance... Round One

In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:6

I guess I really should use the word submission when in my discussion here, but surrender is the word that God keeps bringing back to my heart. Even if I manage to surrender something that I have held onto (or to do something I know God has put in front of me to do), it’s a challenge to stay in surrender mode. Often what I have done in my life looks a whole lot more like grudgingly accepting “whatever God allows” in my life. Even that is most likely half hearted most of the time. I want to feel good about my level of submission to the Lord that I truly love, so sometimes I guess I can put a rosy tint on how I am doing.

God doesn’t use a lovely pink filter…He sees it all for what it is. He sees my desire to stand before Him unashamed, but He also sees my efforts for what they are and when I justify things within my own mind so that I can make myself feel like I’m surrendering when I really not. He also knows how much I want my paths straightened, as the verse above says and He knows when my submission is pure or if it is “to get something”, like straightened paths. 

¹sur·ren·der,transitive verb

1a: to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand <surrendered the fort> b: to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

2a: to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b: to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

intransitive verb: to give oneself up into the power of another : yield

I know that my loving Father doesn’t want the first definition in my surrender, where I feel a demand to let go. He’s not like that; He doesn’t put demands on us. The second, even though it uses the word “prisoner” as an example is where I want to be and where I am designed to be…in a state of yielding to the One who made me and knows me best. He knows what will give me true fulfillment and help me to have a lot fewer regrets one day, were I too fast forward 50 years.

I don’t want to waste my life and spend it on things that don’t matter. It’s my biggest “good fear”, if there is such a thing. Again, I am faced with how much more my trust in Him needs to grow bigger. 

 I think that when I don’t fully surrender, it’s because I am lacking in the full measure of trust. 

Lately, I am even more enthralled than usual with nebulas. If you Google nebula, and have any admiration for starry skies at all, you will be enthralled, too. There are so many colors and configurations, all different, and all beautiful. This is what I think, now, when I look at the images: the God who created that magnificence that fills me with so much wonder and awe, also…made me. I can trust Him and my trials (and issues) are not too big for Him. It puts me in my place in half a heartbeat. He is awesome, me…not so much. Left to my own devices and “wisdom” (tee hee), I am a wreck. I have proven it over and over in the seasons of my life that I was not in a place of surrender to God. I make a thorough mess of things on my own, apart from Him. There may be a shining, shallow moment here and there when I try to call the shots, but all in all, that is not the life I want. Any good things are still because of Him, even if I’m rebelling. The God of the universe, who made galaxies and all that they contain, also made me and I want to be fully His, because I love Him so much. I want to surrender.

It’s like Lu’s workouts, though, I can’t do them just once and say I did! It’s a constant thing. If I want to consistently walk in the Holy Spirit’s power, I must surrender all my “wants” each day. 

There is nothing like the first week of home schooling a teenager on the autism spectrum to show me the truth of that statement. I think surrender is like breathing, to benefit from it, I have to keep doing it…and I would love for it to become that automatic!