"SUBMISSION" Isn't A Four Letter Word... anymore

I have written before about the twitch I get in my stomach over the "S" word... no not that one, the other one... HMMHMM submission. That was me whispering the word.  Why is it so hard to say? Why is it so gut wrenchingly hard to do? I feel like it goes against my core, my human nature, my existence. WHY? Because it does.

A pastor friend of mine told me not too long ago that our reaction to anything in life speaks more about the state of our own hearts than what we're actually reacting to. 

In my humanness, when someone tells me to SUBMIT,  I put one finger up (my pointer finger people, sheesh) with my other hand on my hip and do the ever rebellious head bob. "Oh heck no," is the cry of my heart. Can you see how this complicates my life, my marriage, my friendships??

As I sift out my need for control, I'm finding it's got it's ugly claws lodged in so many areas in my life. I am so thankful for God gently showing me these areas... even in His gentleness though, even knowing he only wants me to be free to experience Him, I'm on this cyclical roller coaster of letting it go and then white knuckling it out of fear.

If I let go of control, will I lose me? If I submit fully to God and ahemmm my husband, will my voice be lost? Will I be less of a person? Will the me I think is really me cease to exist? This is the craziness that consumes my thoughts lately. 

You go through something weird when you get married and have kids. A few years into the journey it feels like parts of you are missing, like your only identity is as  his wife or their mom. It's like the fun, bubbly old me was traded in for an exhausted butt wiping puke cleaning shell of a woman. As I am emerging from that stage, having fewer butts to wipe and less puke to clean, I find myself fighting to be the old me again. The problem is... I think sometimes I get confused and unknowingly start picking the wrong fight. Instead of fighting to be me... I should be fighting to find my identity in Him. Fighting to bear the crowning glory of his sacrifice, humility and submission.

In his book Why Not Women, Loren Cunningham says, "Submission to God is the ultimate strength." He goes on to say, "True freedom comes when we submit to one another in humility."

I want this. I want this with God of course but also with my husband. We are called to submit to one another because it mirrors the relationship of the trinity. There's a beautiful harmony to it... it's what makes relationships work, and I want it. It's in understanding the importance and meaning of submission that I finally understand the idea of dying to myself, and becoming less so that He may become more.

{Sitting down, He called the twelve and said to them, “If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all."} Mark 9:35

Lord today I see it so clearly. I see how holding on to this entitlement of control is hurting my marriage and hurting my relationship with you. Thank you Lord. Forgive me Jesus for holding on, forgive my rebellion and pride ultimately rooted in the fear of being unimportant, unloved and not valued. I know this couldn't be further from your heart. Forgive me for seeking an identity apart from you. Restore me Jesus... thank you for tenderly opening my eyes to this barrier between us!  I receive your freedom.

Surrender vs. Grudging Acceptance... Round One

In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:6

I guess I really should use the word submission when in my discussion here, but surrender is the word that God keeps bringing back to my heart. Even if I manage to surrender something that I have held onto (or to do something I know God has put in front of me to do), it’s a challenge to stay in surrender mode. Often what I have done in my life looks a whole lot more like grudgingly accepting “whatever God allows” in my life. Even that is most likely half hearted most of the time. I want to feel good about my level of submission to the Lord that I truly love, so sometimes I guess I can put a rosy tint on how I am doing.

God doesn’t use a lovely pink filter…He sees it all for what it is. He sees my desire to stand before Him unashamed, but He also sees my efforts for what they are and when I justify things within my own mind so that I can make myself feel like I’m surrendering when I really not. He also knows how much I want my paths straightened, as the verse above says and He knows when my submission is pure or if it is “to get something”, like straightened paths. 

¹sur·ren·der,transitive verb

1a: to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand <surrendered the fort> b: to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

2a: to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b: to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

intransitive verb: to give oneself up into the power of another : yield

I know that my loving Father doesn’t want the first definition in my surrender, where I feel a demand to let go. He’s not like that; He doesn’t put demands on us. The second, even though it uses the word “prisoner” as an example is where I want to be and where I am designed to be…in a state of yielding to the One who made me and knows me best. He knows what will give me true fulfillment and help me to have a lot fewer regrets one day, were I too fast forward 50 years.

I don’t want to waste my life and spend it on things that don’t matter. It’s my biggest “good fear”, if there is such a thing. Again, I am faced with how much more my trust in Him needs to grow bigger. 

 I think that when I don’t fully surrender, it’s because I am lacking in the full measure of trust. 

Lately, I am even more enthralled than usual with nebulas. If you Google nebula, and have any admiration for starry skies at all, you will be enthralled, too. There are so many colors and configurations, all different, and all beautiful. This is what I think, now, when I look at the images: the God who created that magnificence that fills me with so much wonder and awe, also…made me. I can trust Him and my trials (and issues) are not too big for Him. It puts me in my place in half a heartbeat. He is awesome, me…not so much. Left to my own devices and “wisdom” (tee hee), I am a wreck. I have proven it over and over in the seasons of my life that I was not in a place of surrender to God. I make a thorough mess of things on my own, apart from Him. There may be a shining, shallow moment here and there when I try to call the shots, but all in all, that is not the life I want. Any good things are still because of Him, even if I’m rebelling. The God of the universe, who made galaxies and all that they contain, also made me and I want to be fully His, because I love Him so much. I want to surrender.

It’s like Lu’s workouts, though, I can’t do them just once and say I did! It’s a constant thing. If I want to consistently walk in the Holy Spirit’s power, I must surrender all my “wants” each day. 

There is nothing like the first week of home schooling a teenager on the autism spectrum to show me the truth of that statement. I think surrender is like breathing, to benefit from it, I have to keep doing it…and I would love for it to become that automatic!