"SUBMISSION" Isn't A Four Letter Word... anymore

I have written before about the twitch I get in my stomach over the "S" word... no not that one, the other one... HMMHMM submission. That was me whispering the word.  Why is it so hard to say? Why is it so gut wrenchingly hard to do? I feel like it goes against my core, my human nature, my existence. WHY? Because it does.

A pastor friend of mine told me not too long ago that our reaction to anything in life speaks more about the state of our own hearts than what we're actually reacting to. 

In my humanness, when someone tells me to SUBMIT,  I put one finger up (my pointer finger people, sheesh) with my other hand on my hip and do the ever rebellious head bob. "Oh heck no," is the cry of my heart. Can you see how this complicates my life, my marriage, my friendships??

As I sift out my need for control, I'm finding it's got it's ugly claws lodged in so many areas in my life. I am so thankful for God gently showing me these areas... even in His gentleness though, even knowing he only wants me to be free to experience Him, I'm on this cyclical roller coaster of letting it go and then white knuckling it out of fear.

If I let go of control, will I lose me? If I submit fully to God and ahemmm my husband, will my voice be lost? Will I be less of a person? Will the me I think is really me cease to exist? This is the craziness that consumes my thoughts lately. 

You go through something weird when you get married and have kids. A few years into the journey it feels like parts of you are missing, like your only identity is as  his wife or their mom. It's like the fun, bubbly old me was traded in for an exhausted butt wiping puke cleaning shell of a woman. As I am emerging from that stage, having fewer butts to wipe and less puke to clean, I find myself fighting to be the old me again. The problem is... I think sometimes I get confused and unknowingly start picking the wrong fight. Instead of fighting to be me... I should be fighting to find my identity in Him. Fighting to bear the crowning glory of his sacrifice, humility and submission.

In his book Why Not Women, Loren Cunningham says, "Submission to God is the ultimate strength." He goes on to say, "True freedom comes when we submit to one another in humility."

I want this. I want this with God of course but also with my husband. We are called to submit to one another because it mirrors the relationship of the trinity. There's a beautiful harmony to it... it's what makes relationships work, and I want it. It's in understanding the importance and meaning of submission that I finally understand the idea of dying to myself, and becoming less so that He may become more.

{Sitting down, He called the twelve and said to them, “If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all."} Mark 9:35

Lord today I see it so clearly. I see how holding on to this entitlement of control is hurting my marriage and hurting my relationship with you. Thank you Lord. Forgive me Jesus for holding on, forgive my rebellion and pride ultimately rooted in the fear of being unimportant, unloved and not valued. I know this couldn't be further from your heart. Forgive me for seeking an identity apart from you. Restore me Jesus... thank you for tenderly opening my eyes to this barrier between us!  I receive your freedom.

Igniting the Fight...

So many things to surrender... so little time.

|SURRENDER| It's the sometimes hidden cure for every stronghold and every lie the enemy whispers in our ears. As I move forward in this fearless journey the one thing I know is HE doesn't just want us to surrender a little thing here and a little thing there. HE WANTS IT ALL... the deepest, darkest, most shameful thing we wouldn't utter to anyone... that part of our insides we can't imagine living without because we don't know who we'd be without it... He wants it and He's desperate for us to let it go.

Last night we were having dinner with friends that we haven't hung out with for years. It was one of those nights that was just anointed by the Holy Spirit... or to sound less christianeesee ... it just freaken rocked. He told us about a friend of his who asks these super deep questions like, "If you truly believed God loved you, what would it look like." I think a lot of us would say "hey I know he loves me." But honestly for me I know that response is just crap.

If we actually could comprehend the depth of HIS love for us we wouldn't be white knuckling things like guilt and fear and insecurities. If we were seriously confident in HIS love for us we would be encouragers and champions to absolutely EVERYONE... not just the easy people who aren't threatening to us in any way. The thing about surrendering and submitting is they come across as week sounding by the world's standards... almost like you're giving in and giving up. BUT... there is HUGE freedom in saying yes to HIM... and trusting his love is ENOUGH... and then just letting it all go.

The idea of surrender is too huge to capture in one FIGHT NIGHT... or one blog post. So this month as a way to {IGNITE THE FIGHT} and jump on this fearless train ... all of my blog posts will be surrounding the idea of surrendering different issues... from pride and rebellion to insecurities and envy... 

SURRENDER. SURRENDER. SURRENDER... Lord Jesus I surrender it ALL to you... all of my shame and guilt, pride and envy... using food as an idol ...caring what other people think more than I care about your call on my life... LORD I SURRENDER... it's yours... you're big enough, I believe in your love for me. I claim it right now and I am crying out for a fresh passion to surrender the junk and lies that are holding me back from moving mountains in your name. PRAISE YOU JESUS!

We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. -Romans 6:6

When HOPE becomes an idol, confessions of a warrior mom.

Oh I have been wrestling with the Lord a lot lately, okay, the last 10 years or so. A couple months ago God showed me that in a matter closest to my heart-and one that causes pain I never dreamed of-that instead of clinging to Christ I’d clung to hope. Hope is a wondrous thing. It’s a good thing and often in my life I cling to things that my Bible tells me are good things: holiness, faith, hope, and love, etc.

Can hope become an idol?I guess so, for me anyway. I had built hope up into something that became my rock. 

“The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. (Psalms 18:2)” 

It does not say hope is my rock. No wonder my walk with God lost its vibrancy. I have hoped beyond hope for a situation to be reconciled…or more honestly put, “fixed to my satisfaction, for my joy”. I was with a couple other moms retreating for a night and as I sat alone in the lobby of this old hotel in the morning with my Bible, I recognized that God was calling me out. (I told my friends I felt “spanked”.) I was wrong. My hope is IN HIM, not in hope. I am to cast all my cares on HIM, not in hope that they get better or that the difficulties my son experiences with autism magically depart. I think it was easier to hope in hope, so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of not having my prayers answered the way I want. I have often hated the “A” word (aka autism) for so many reasons . Mostly because it feels like "it" steals the best of who my son is and steals peace and joy from our home. It feels like a tool of the enemy who wants to steal everything good and cause destruction of hurricane proportions.

The last couple of weeks I have wrestled with God over pulling our son from public school. I have asked God (yes, I am ashamed), “Please don’t make me do this, anything but this”. I am not up to the task. My marriage will suffer. As little as I get out now…poof, now even less! Lunch dates with girlfriends will really never happen. Hubby and I will never have another lunch “date”. Great, kill me now.

I have been willing to serve God, even suffer for Him, but I have always wanted to choose HOW. 

I am so wrong, about so much. My love that I consider pure and unshakeable for God is really conditional. I want Him to have all of me…on my terms. Oh, that is so hard to type. I am selfish and lack trust. I have bucked the mantle of “suffering servant”. Christ washed the feet of his disciples and said we should do the same. It sounds nice, sure okay, I can do that. Can I really? Do I? I realized when it is for people who love me back, I can. When it’s from someone who essentially just takes and takes, sometimes cursing me in the process, I’m not so willing.

I would stand in front of a bullet for this boy-and my other 3 kids- or take the charge of an angry bear. I know without a shadow of a doubt that is true. How can I be so unwilling to keep pouring out love, in a different way, in the service of home schooling?

I don’t really want to attempt the hard stuff feel all challenged and actually experience failure on a regular basis. I have to lay it all out for God and ask Him to show me the ick…I know it’s there. I just want to ignore it and make some brownies. However, my true heart for Him is manifest in how I deal with suffering.

Am I really willing to share in the suffering of my Lord and Savior or do I just talk a good game?

As a mom I have felt suffering. Parenthood opens your soul up wide to every potential kind of hurt that exists. Am I ready to embrace it in a way that allows God to change me into someone who may one day resemble his Son, the One who modeled perfect love? Do I just want to use my suffering to commiserate with other moms and let them know they are not alone? Suffering, Lord, any kind, let me be willing to walk through it with You.

“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.”

—2 Corinthians 4:8-11

So much comes down to fear and pride in this one question for me, “What if I’m not enough?!” I have asked it and felt it for much of my life. The answer? Who the heck is? That’s why I need Jesus, that is why HE suffered. I am NOT enough, only He is. In surrender, I see that autism can be a tool in which God continues to scrape away the selfish, peace and joy seeking parts of my character. When that happens, maybe I will really learn what it means to seek Jesus, wholeheartedly. Maybe, homeschooling is the screen upon which my son will be able to see Jesus in his mommy. I’ve tried to show him in countless other ways for years, but maybe this will be the venue, time, and place that God will capture his attention and his heart. That makes me smile and feel strangely unafraid for what’s to come.