I think I had been dating my husband about 2 months when I asked, "So when are we going to get married." I wasn't joking, it wasn't a pressure thing... I just knew he was the one and I didn't see any reason for putting off what was sure to come. I think he kind of choked and and stuttered and then laughed a little. It took a month for him to actually ask me himself, it was excruciating. Every night as he would kiss me goodnight at my front door, I was waiting for him to get down on one knee and pop the question. I didn't care how he did it... I'm not really very sentimental... I just wanted it done. Then after a month I got a call while looking for wedding dresses (he still hadn't asked mind you, this is how IMPATIENT I really am) Anyway, back to the call, he wanted to take me to the coast for the day... score... this had to be the day!!!
When we got there he cooked me dinner and we took a walk on the beach at sunset... it was beautiful... We sat up on a rock and at just the right moment he read me the most amazing letter and asked me to be his wife. I can't even tell you how perfect and amazing that evening was. Waaaay better than tossing me a ring at my front door, obviously... I'm such an idiot sometimes.
PATIENCE... I hate it... I don't want it... it's against everything I stand for and every fiber of my being.
It's so unnatural... virtue smirtue!!! When I know something will be or needs to be or could be, this is the thought process that seeps into every pore on my body... What, pray??? What, wait??? What, rest and see what happens??? Ohhh no no no no... I get things done, I make things happen, and if God wants to get involved that's the frosting on the cake.
WHYYYYY am I like this?? Why can't I chill and process and wait on God?? Yesterday I was telling C.J. (my very patient husband), that I know the calling God has placed on my life... I don't know specifics I don't know when or where... but I want to and I'm frustrated I don't. I want a plan of attack... I want to be in action... and I want it NOW! He kind of kicked me in the face when he pointed out that resting in what God is doing right now in my life isn't choosing to be complacent... it's being patient while God prepares me for what he has for my life. Saying YES to him everyday even in the small stuff... ISN'T SMALL STUFF... it's building my faith and building a Godly character, it's taking me through a process that is preparing me for the role he has for me in His kingdom.
This morning as I was reading about Sarah in Genesis, the smack in my face continued... I am her... she is me... She totally believed that God could fulfill His covenant with her husband... just not through her!!! So what did she do... she stepped in and tried to "fix" the process and gave her servant to her husband to fulfill the gift and blessing God had set aside for her alone. Then when she heard his plan and found out that at 90 she would become a mother she laughed... AT GOD... THAT'S ME.
I actually avoided reading this when I saw the topic:)...I was like Ok, Lord here we go again, time to show me how impatient I am..... I often wonder why I can't get it through my head, to be STILL and know that He is God. I am not God, I can not fix anything or push anything along, and honestly when I do and he allows me to "try" I fail miserably & usually make a big mess of things! You would think I would learn this at some point :) I love your story of your engagement, that is so how it is with the Lord! We know what we want, so we want it NOW, BUT God has something more precious for us if we just WAIT on Him.
ReplyDeleteAh. Patience. So hard.
ReplyDeleteuhhh....I felt like I was reading about myself!! Lindsay, this was hilarious! SO so encouraged by this read.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I too struggle with patience and it's so nice and encouraging to hear I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteOh man patience is not a virtue of mine! But Romans 12:12 calls us to "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer." Isn't it funny that patience is our affliction??
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