How I Am vs. Who I Am...Round One

The other day I was voxering (pretty sure that's not a real thing, but voter is a walkie talkie app on my phone) anyway I was talking to Lu and we got into an intense conversation... it was so intense we both thought it should be a blog post... or two... so today I'm sharing the first part of our convo and Monday she will be sharing the nitty gritty guts of it in ROUND TWO!

So, I was telling her that I felt like God had asked me to get off of my computer for the day on Wednesday. I was fighting it or course,  but probably not for the reason you think. In the past when people have made declarations of not being on Facebook or the internet or drinking coffee or watching tv ... or WHATEVER... I would do a silent head bob in my heart and kinda think well aren't we just all that plus a bag of chips. So when I felt like God was asking me to take a respite, because I desperately needed one, I got all squidgy and that old defensive rebellion crept up almost unnoticed... almost... and this is what ensued...

{Lindsay}: Almost everything that offends me and pisses me off and makes me be like "ohhhh aren't you so great", is because when people say things about their own faith or what they feel like God has called them to do (example: quitting Facebook, having study time in the morning, or any other discipline) I feel like they're saying I'm not as good as they are because I'm not doing it [editor's note: stay with me I totally realize how LAME this is]... which is pretty self centered actually. But for me, my anger always comes from a place of feeling pushed down or like I'm not worthy or that I'm less than.

{Lu}: Here's the thing about that, when we walk in places... and this is going to sound harsh but I've walked in the same thing... but when we walk in places of self pity and self rejection it leads us to make assumptions. So you make an automatic assumption that what that person is doing is something you should be doing when in fact it's probably not. Everybody's walk looks different.

When we sit in and don't throw rocks at self pity and self rejections it leads us to make assumptions that are totally false. Because the enemy is the GREATEST OF ACUSERS ... and this is my own same struggle and I make assumptions all of the time and it has lead to much destruction in my life and friendships.

{Lindsay}: It's so true, I want to shed these things that I don't like about myself and I know God is calling me to just be done with... but it's these little things you're saying... like HOLY CRAP... about the self pitying that are so true!!! AHHH! I mean I have no words... I love how you can just spit stuff out because I'm over here going AHH ERR AHHH! Like I have no words, but I love what you're saying.

(the rest of the conversation to be revealed in Lu's Monday post... I promise I have more words)

Don't be blown away by my profoundness:):) I honestly couldn't speak because of what God was processing inside of me. For so long I have identified myself as a STRONG, INDEPENDENT, REBEL (like a good rebel everyone cheers for of course). I've got my head bob down, and my "screw you" attitude perfected. BUT I have realized I have been operating from a place of deep bitterness. Bitterness that sows seeds of anger and a critical spirit. Bitterness that keeps me focused on my inward hurts and inadequacies. I am not that person anymore... It's never WHO I WAS... it's HOW I CHOSE TO BE.


Today I rebuke those strongholds in my life. I rebuke the enemy in Jesus name. He has no power over me! I choose to allow God today to replace rebellion, anger and bitterness... with MEEKNESS, LOVE and FORGIVENESS. I will not sit in self pity and self rejection any longer... I will not allow who I thought I was to destroy anymore of my life or my relationships... I am free....

"Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many."

Hebrews 12:15