Falling Out Of "The Boat" Butt First...

If Peter stepped out of the boat and took a few steps before he started to sink... I spastically lept out of the boat and fell in butt first and then kind of slid toward Jesus like a donkey on ice before starting to sink...

To sink is to focus on my strength and abilities... to sink is to focus on building MY KINGDOM instead of his.

I've mentioned I haven't been able to write for weeks. Up until a few days ago there has just been nothing up there... I have so many thoughts through out the day and I'm going through so much spiritually, but the second I sit down to write... zero, zilch, nada... my brain is empty.

Starting this blog and then FIGHT NIGHT and the the FEARLESS AND FIT RETREAT were all apart of my spastic fall out of the safety boat. They are all things I know God is calling me too... and all things that can either be done in His Spirit for His Glory... OR in my strength to build me up. Sadly without knowing it... hmmhmm... this is hard to admit... but, like a nano second after that "pure pursuit for God", you know when I made the decision to fall out of the boat, came selfish motives that were even hidden from me.

I started to dream of how to use what God has given me for MYSELF... for MY career... for MY family's provision. None of which is wrong in itself, but for me it was because I started to use something that started so pure to fill my need for stuff and recognition outside of God's will. The nice comments on the blog and the Facebook page... the great response from fight night... I took those things and buried them in ME... while my lips said "glory to God," my heart puffed up in what I thought was my own ability.

{MOTIVE} {HEART}{CONSCIENCE}

These things are so easy to hide... but HE knows. And it occurred to me, unless it's truly for HIS glory... nothing matters. 

All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD.
Proverbs 16:1-3


Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.
1 Corinthians 4:4-6

I needed to confess this... I needed to start fresh... I need to continue my quest to awkwardly fall out of the boat, but as I move forward I want to keep my focus on God and what He wants to use me for. I have come to grips with letting go of my dreams... like Abraham I am setting them on the alter... the gifts and blessings God has given me are not my own. The lump in my heart I have as I write this is my offering to God. I trust Him, I love him and I know what He has for me is beyond anything I could ever dream of... here's to pure motives and a learning to trust His dreams are what I really want.

One Friday... His Sacrifice Set us Free

When the Roman officer overseeing the execution saw what had happened, he worshiped God and said, “Surely this man was innocent.” And when all the crowd that came to see the crucifixion saw what had happened, they went home in deep sorrow. But Jesus’ friends, including the women who had followed him from Galilee, stood at a distance watching. 
-Luke 23:47-49

Reading and reflecting over the pages of the bible I always try to identify with the characters in the stories. I, of course, always identify with people who have the most faith and are the wisest... ahahahaha! It's true though, so many times I think as I'm reading stories of the unbelief, fear or hesitation of Jesus' followers, I'm over here going, you idiot... JUST BELIEVE HIM ALREADY, HE'S RIGHT THERE WITH YOU AND YOU STILL QUESTION HIM!

Today, as I was reading about the crucifixion in Luke, the above verse caught my eye... The Roman officer saw what had happened and worshiped God... but Jesus' followers stood at a distance watching. We all know I am no bible scholar... but I just pictured these women standing in shock trying to process what had just happened... and I totally identified with them. I think I would have been thinking about what this meant for my faith and my family... wondering if any of it was really true. I know this because even now when I can feel and hear God so plainly one day, my questions and doubt (aka the enemy) creep in the next and make me wonder about the path I have chosen. If someone was reading the story of my life I think they would be screaming... JUST BELIEVE HIM ALREADY, HE'S RIGHT THERE WITH YOU AND YOU STILL QUESTION HIM!

I love God and my faith is stronger than it has ever been, His sacrificed has never seemed greater for me than it does today. But there are still days I find myself holding back... standing at the edges and watching others, trying to take in the situation, rather than diving in as a leader and blazing a trail... even at the risk of looking stupid and being condemned by people who don't believe what I believe. It's scary... but the point of His crucifixion and the resurrection is to remove the fear.

As we go into this weekend filled with time with friends and family, I want to just soak in the power of HIS grace... the power of the sacrifice he made for me. ME, the one who loves Him but waivers in faith and confidence... the one who wants to blaze a trail in his name but is terrified of saying and doing the wrong thing. He sacrificed for ME... He sacrificed for YOU... SOAK IT IN... for the very first time in my life I am choosing to bath in the glory of loving a God who has chosen to love me and sacrifice for me even at my very worst (and that's pretty bad)... I'm embarrassed to say while I have appreciated it in the past... I have NEVER soaked it in and deeply worshiped him on this day... and let me tell you... there is POWER in soaking! So this weekend I am soaking it in, and THEN ... it's time to start blazing baby:):)

A Call To Fight...

Last night CJ and I were talking with some friends about this spiritual revival that has taken over our lives,  and it made me start thinking about exactly what had changed in me. What was the breaking point for this breakthrough?? There was a miscarriage and then another miscarriage in a matter of months, friend drama, home drama, me drama... lots of drama... there were people speaking into my life and lots of self reflection. I think all of these things contributed to the change... but they didn't make the change... they didn't bring revival.

Revival came when I acknowledged that this journey is a battle I was willing to fight

I started fighting for my faith, fighting for my family, fighting for a life that is anything but stagnant and ordinary. I realized to have real breakthrough and serious transformation there could be no more sitting around waiting for life to happen to me. God showed me that HIS is an anointed fight... HIS is a battle we should all be up for... because HIS is the FIGHT that he has ordained for us all, from the beginning.

As this revival started to sprout in the depth of my darkest hours my eyes were opened to the heavy oppression and spirit of discouragement that filled our walls and covered our family. Like a mad woman I started rebuking the enemy first from my thoughts, then from my house and family. The verse of my soul was on my lips 24/7.

For God doesn't give us a spirit of fear or timidity, but of power, love and self control. 2 Timothy 1:7

I proclaimed these words over my household... mostly because it's one of the only verses I knew by heart, but hey it fit:) I knew that if the dark feelings of hopelessness, and discouragement weren't from God, they were from the enemy, and I wanted them gone. In the power of Christ's name and grace I rebuked the enemy and cast him from our house. I taught my boys in their fear to say the words, "In the name of Jesus Christ Get out of here devil!" and as they began to say them with power and joy it strengthened me.

This may sound a little hocus pocusy to some... but I could feel the oppression of the enemy lift as we rebuked him as a family. I could feel the contentment of living a life of survival start to disappear as we prayed consistently for the enemy to be bound. It's like scales were lifted from my eyes and a new passion and hunger for God was born in the depths of my guts!

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Ephesians 6:11-13

As a new mission for my life is starting take form I know more important than any ministry or calling is fighting daily, hourly or even by the minute for my family against the enemy. I have accepted God's gift of the POWER of his GRACE and in doing that I have waged a war against the enemy. It's a war I am willing to fight, and it's a battle I will never back down from. These words are not written lightly, they come from the depths, I am a natural born fighter... HE put that in me. But now instead of fighting people and the strongholds of my own sin I will fight the great accuser, the deceiver... the evil one. I am waging a war to be fought with love, humility and grace, one that can only be won with power  that only comes with having faith in a loving, forgiving and merciful God. I will fight as an act of worship for HIM.

For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith. And who can win this battle against the world? Only those who believe that Jesus is the Son of God. 
1John 5:4-5

Fearless Experiment Confessional {Legalism}

Untitled from Lindsay McPhail on Vimeo.

Why is it that sometimes we are the very thing we HATE most in the world... even if just a little bit?Legalism has been holding me back... binding me... keeping me from fully experiencing God's powerful Grace!  Do you struggle with being legalistic or judgmental in any area of your life? What I have to remember is that it's not my job to convict others... acting superior or judging their hearts IS NOT MY ROLE IN LIFE... and pssst it's not yours either... 

I found it!!!

"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom." -2 Corinthians 3:17

Moving Past Awkward... For Him...

photo by Maria Alexandra Photography

A little over a week ago ... Lu told me she was speaking about Numbers 14... She was blown away because she was speaking to a group of women about body image and this is the passage God gave her... Being me of course I had NO clue what Numbers 14 was even remotely about... As I read about the Israelite's rebellion all I could think was THIS IS ME!!!

What really hit me was that the Israelites (even after seeing God's miracles) chose to not have enough faith to believe God would give them what He had promised them. THIS WAS ME!!!

How can we cry out to God and beg him to show us his will for our lives and who he wants us to be and then balk at walking forward and being bold and fearless when he lays it out in front of us?!?!?!?!

For months I was pissed! laying face down sobbing, knowing he wanted more from me but not knowing what it was... then as He started to show me what it is he has called me to, I stopped... I stalled... I procrastinated thinking everything had to be perfect to move forward. How could I step out alone? What if it was awkward? What if people started whispering that Lindsay has gone off the deep end and is now a spiritual nut case??? I waited weeks... until last sunday He said just do it... now... your excuses will always be there... just start the blog.. start the journey... and I will do the rest.

John 14:12-14:

“I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!"

After a week of just doing it, listening and obeying and trusting He will do what he says I am changed. Trusting HE will give me what I ask for (no... not a new car or a smaller butt)  I begged to hear His voice... I begged for words.. and then believed he would give them to me... and he did... he did... no seriously HE DID!!! Why am I so amazed? Why can't I read the verses in John 14 and believe they are for me... ordinary, stay at home mom, butt wiping, nothing of a person... ME!!! Today I do know this verse is for me. And here's the beautiful part, it's for you too! It's for your neighbor and your mother and your husband and your 3 year old son... He wants us to move past that awkward fear and really believe He can do what he says...

HE WANTS TO USE US FOR GREATNESS... ANNND He not only WANTS to...

He EXPECTS to!