Saying Yes to the small things...

Today... dah dah dah... after many long hours of pitting out, being sick with nerves, and doing everything I could to procrastinate... I (the person who has been terrified of talking on the phone her ENTIRE LIFE... shut up I know!) called a perfect stranger for no real reason other than to tell him he changed my life. The 30 second conversation consisted of a) me choking on my tongue because I never in a million years thought he'd pick up b) me crying like an idiot telling him how much his book meant to me... literally in those words... no depth, no mind blowing intellect... just me trying to spit any word that would present itself out my terrified mouth. I didn't do it alone though, my friend Jenna called too... she called yesterday and I'm so proud of her... because sometimes things that seem small can be true victories. This is probably the most important message my wonder boys have taught me through the many years of heart ache and autism.. celebrating small achievements as true victories... like trying new foods without puking or getting through an entire day meltdown free... small victories build confidence... Small victories point us on to bigger victories tomorrow. While my day dreams of being besties with Bob and his amazing family shall remain day dreams, I am so grateful for the gift of LOVE DOES. I'm so grateful for the encouragement to live a life of love instead of just talking about it and I'm forever changed by the powerful message of a choice we all have every hour of everyday to say yes to God... even when it makes us sweaty, pitty, idiots who can't form words. Today I will celebrate saying yes...

May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ. 

-2 Thessalonians 3:5

BUY THIS BOOK!!! It will change you...

On a Treasure Hunt

This morning I took a small group of ladies who volunteered to be guinea pigs in a little experiment....Thanks ladies.

I got this little idea from the Lord while in the prayer room the other day.  I'm not going to tell you quite yet what we did...but you will eventually know.  It involved the Bible and a lot of running, burpees, and situps.  It was rough but all together was pretty amazing.

In the midst of this we were in the book of Colossians.  The word mystery continued to come up and at one point in Colossians 2:2-3 it states,

"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely Christ, in whom are all hidden the treasures of wisdom and knowledge."

Paul here is talking to the church about how much he has been struggling for the people he knows but also for those he does not.  He is laboring for the church here.

This word treasure so stuck out to me.  When I think of treasure I think of a buried trunk with some amazing jewels and coins inside.  The map looks worn with some roads, directions, names and then a big red X...you seeing what I'm seeing?  So the treasure is Jesus.  It's learning and understanding who He is by knowing Him.

To know someone we must spend time with them, chat with them, ask them questions and then listen to their response.  You may laugh together...well I at least hope you do, you can cry together, you are knowing one another.  It's how relationship works.  When we know Jesus, there is treasure to be found and that treasure is wisdom and knowledge...and it's not human worldly wisdom it's heaven's wisdom, heaven's knowledge...I don't know about you but I'd like that map.

The map is the Bible, it's our quiet times, it's our prayer times, it's our asking the Lord and then waiting for His answer.  He leads us, He guides us.  He may ask us hard things but it's the directions we are to take following that map.  But, in order to follow a map here are some key things to finding the treasure:

Follow Directions: I don't know about you but I tend to want to do things my way...I'm quickly learning His ways are better than mine.


Search: Do you want to know the things God has for your life, even if it might be challenging situations?  Do you want to ask the hard questions, even if it means that you might be stretched a bit?  We must move in His direction.

Look: Keep your eyes open for the Lord in your life.  What should you wear today?  Where should you go today?  Who is that you are to talk to and what are you to say or not say?

Fail: You must be willing to be imperfect with Jesus and know He will still love you even if you go the wrong way.  But practice going right when He says go right because He knows the way.

Dig: Once you get there you may have to dig a little deeper for what is under the ground.  This could mean dealing with situations, people, relationships, sin that we have put away.

He has placed a treasure inside of me.  It's my identity, it's my gifting, it's my love, it's my heart, it ME.  I don't know about you but I wanna find it!!!!

Just "Enough" Jesus

"'Christian Atheists' believe in God but live like he doesn't exist. - Craig Groschel

I was listening to a sermon from Craig Groschel this morning... author of Christian Atheist and the above quote about knocked me off my chair.

It's easy to rate sin or see other's sin as bigger than our own. But in Galatians 5:19-21 Paul lists sins like corrupt sexual impurity, witch craft and drunkenness right along side jealousy, divisiveness, anger and selfishness. It's interesting how we can see the blatant sin in the "world" but so many times we are unwilling to check ourselves as followers of Christ when it comes to things like envy, continuousness, or hate. We justify our soap boxes with just "enough" jesus... to make it feel "right"... even a little self righteous while making others feel condemned.

Ahhh I'm so tired of myself and I think the Annointed One must so tired of it as well. But there I go again... putting humanly characteristics on a God that can't possibly be contained by any rules or any box. A God whose love is so deep and grace is so pure we CANNOT fathom in our human minds how to even accept this real gift. Sure we say it... we spout off all of the right "christian" words and we take just "enough" of him to live safe lives that look shiny and clean on the outside. But I wonder what would happen if we bit off such a huge, undigestible chunk of him that if we take our focus off of him and his love and mercy for even a second we would be crushed by our own inadequacy in what we just signed up to do and how we said we would live... 

I have been in a funk for over a week from some hurtful words ... instead of focusing on all of the awesomeness God has filled my life with, I have been focusing on the disapproval of a couple of people... how the enemy must be rejoicing. But right now I call it out... right now, in the name of Jesus I reject the lies, right now in the name of Jesus I bind the enemy and proclaim God's truth... that HE IS LOVE... and grace and peace and joy... Today I don't want just a piece of that action... I want it all.

I'm tired of uttering empty prayers I don't believe... tired of making decisions based on fear and my own insecurities. I believe in a God who created me to be MIGHTY... to be COURAGEOUS. A God who calls me to say YES to him ... not just to take a corner of the robe of his grace and be satisfied. I want ALL of him... knowing I can't handle ALL of him in my own strength... Erwin McManus says that a lot of times "We dream better lives that we actually live." Life is so short... time with the people we love is uncertain... so why should any of us waste another second trying to figure out if we're good enough, smart enough, or brave enough to live the dreams HE has given us. 

YOU'RE AWESOME...OWN IT! YOU'RE STRONG... BURN THAT IN YOUR MIND! YOU'RE DESTINED TO DO GREAT AND MIGHTY THINGS... NOW LIVE IT!

... let's not wast one more second focusing on the words of others... lets not waste one more day taking just "enough" of jesus to be socially accepted by our christian friends. LET'S BLOW DOORS off of life EVERY DAY!! No matter what. Let's say we believe in God and then live a life that screams it... without having to utter a word. 

"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death." - Romans 8:1-2

Dancing in the Minefields...

{Dancing in the minefields} That's the thought that keeps wafting through my mind as I'm trying to grip the reality of life. I (we) have a relationship with Minefields. I just didn't realize how close of a relationship it was. I found out it's where I live. Permanently. And so does everyone else. Somehow I had thought that the minefields of life were rare and possible to avoid, or that was the goal. And if you found yourself in one, you should just spastically run through it, darting this way and that, until you've made it out as unscathed as possible. Maybe for some souls life is that way. But, I think the reality for most of us, is that we are LIVING in the minefields. So waiting until we get out to dance, means we'll never dance at all.

Well... (I tell God) at least now in my "minefield life" I have learned how to shuffle around robotically. Working day and night maneuvering and outwitting foreseen negatives. I'm heavy-laden and lacking joy but, hey, at least I'm trying to get us outta here, right?. God's grace is patient, but His desire for my freedom is bigger. Surviving is not good enough for Him or me! I was created to dance. The real kind of dancing. Not awkward, forced movements we all do because.....well....we've been saved too long not to, plus, everyone's watching. But the free, effortless movements that come from a soul that is floating on the wings of a Saviour.

But how do I get that in me? How do I dance with that fluid expression of joy whilst things are blowing up around me. And worse yet, what if things get eerily quiet? What about then? There's still all those looming places I "think" should be blowing soon, so I'm obsessively watching and arranging my life around them. No peace. Ever.

I don't know how others feel, but I am exhausted. Exhausted from the avoidance patterns I run. Exhausted from the extreme molting I experience every time I am nearly hit. I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS. Out of sheer weakness and misery I believe I am ready to face this demon. (Not the way I pictured heading into victory). Dear God, deliver me! And anyone else who has lived a life paralyzed by fear! What would it feel like if I did not fret about losing my life....or losing the life of of my children? AHHH!!! Does that state of peace exist? I think it does.

When my 2 yr old son went from a healthy boy to 2 days later laying in Portland's ICU with a chest tube.......I learned about the freedom God wanted to give me. I stared down at my baby boy's face for 7 days searching for any signs that these freakish, sudden complications of Pneumonia was not the way it was all gonna end. God revealed himself to me. It was not about the comfort that comes from believing in His promises to heal, although I knew He wanted to. He taught me about His Sovereinty. The same Sovereinty and Majesty I'd witnessed days before when looking out that small airplane window that transported my little boy. Amazing!! My life felt so overwhelming, yet His cosmic powers were holding this whole place together with just a word from His lips. There is peace in knowing our days are numbered. There is peace in knowing that even though I am called to be the best steward, I am still not responsible for how many breathes I take.

God could have prevented Lucas from ever getting sick. He could've healed him on Day 2 with antibiotics, or even Day 3 with the chest tube would have been nice. But on day 7 (of course) he swept in, wiped the effusions and infection from his lung and granted complete healing. Praise God!! It was only hours before that the xray had shown horrific damage that only a surgeon could reverse. Glory to God!! Praise Him!! He is powerful!!..........Phew! As we wipe the sweat from our brow....

But........wait.....what about next time, I ask? What about when the numbers on a life I love really are up? What about that pain? What about those goodbyes? What do we do then? God's answer was still the same......

I AM. TRUST ME. IT'S TIME TO DANCE.
I think I will.

I married in 2000, 4 months after meeting the love of my life. The next 11yrs proved to be amazing....filled with laughter and tears as God filled our home with 5 more. I am honored and humbled everyday I get to stay home with my kids. The task momma's face daily is daunting....and I shake my head in wonderment that I've been allowed to do it after all my failures! My children's ages are 10, 8, 7, 5, and 3
and without the love of my amazing man, I don't know where I'd be!

Surrender in the Fire...

It’s so crazy when you think you are really being tested, only to find you truly had no idea just how hot the furnace can get.  One of our sons, diagnosed in junior high with Asperger’s Syndrome, sits tonight in his own furnace.  As a 5 year old he was diagnosed with OCD, depression, and ADHD.  We’ve had a very long 16 years, seeking answers and help in many realms.  Grace has been abundant and answers have been few.

Our son is going into his second week locked up, with serious charges against him.  Our local paper did a sufficient job of sensationalizing a personal tragedy.  My husband and I were in Mexico celebrating our 20^th anniversary when the incident occurred.  We came back home days later and had our world rocked beyond anything we could have imagined.

My life is full of paradox: My mother’s heart feels shattered, yet God is holding me together.
I am weak and my brain doesn’t really want to function properly, yet He is strong.
My son may never come home again, yet I pray that He will know God as his shelter.

I grieve, but there is still joy. 

There are moments in my day where I feel about to crumble and I want to crawl into my bed and sob. I am relentlessly clinging to God because without Him, I could not even breathe and without Him and I can’t be the mother my kids need me to be. My heart feels so torn between wanting to sink into my sadness for just a while and to shed tears for what has been lost. The visits with Andrew are short and in a room full of people and I just want to hold him in my arms like I did when he was little. I hate letting go when the time is up, knowing that he is so ill equipped to handle being where he is, yet it is what God has allowed. I think of him so much when I go to bed, only a few miles away and untouchable. We all have prayed together every night as a family since the kids were little. I wonder if he still says his prayers when he goes to bed and I want to so much to ruffle his hair and tell him I love him before he falls asleep.

Was their 16th birthday party the last they will share? Was that our last Christmas together as a whole family? Only God knows those answers and I’m trying to stop my heart from asking those questions.

The real questions are:

Will my kids see me live out all my words about God for the last 16 years?
Will I still say “yes” to the God who allows suffocating pain?
Is my endurance so far just shock and will I fall apart completely when it completely subsides?
Do I trust and love God, no matter what?

My answers:I will die trying, yes, I really hope not, and 100% yes.
I want to say, like Job, though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Not that God wants to slay us, but we live a life that has no guarantees for tomorrow. We go about our lives so often thinking that we will have as many days as we choose, with all the people we choose. Really, it’s a vapor.

One thing I now know, after living through a variety of heartaches in my 43 years…I will not waste my pain. I cannot waste my pain. I will fight for God’s glory in every circumstance. I have been telling my kids, as I did the day we arrived back home to a life turned upside down…”Stay close to God as we walk this road. If we do, God can grow us and change us. We can become stronger and wiser. If we keep God at arm’s length (in anger or rebellion), or just try to Lone Ranger it (until we REALLY need Him), we will miss out.” I am learning that we can truly see His glory while standing in the furnace. One thing we must remember when we hear the fire roar and feel the heat upon our faces...there is Another in the midst of it all.

“Show mercy upon me, God, because it is in you that my soul hopes, and in the shadow of your wings I shall have refuge until trouble passes.” Psalm 57:1

 

Treasures In Darkness

Isaiah 45:3 -

I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, The god of Israel, who summons you by name.

While standing in line at the bank one day I overheard the teller explain some of the dark times he was going through. As I approached the counter he continued to express some of the details to me, as the hurt was still fresh and this was the way he was dealing with it. I told him that I felt bad for what he had been going through. With a smirk on his face he replied "You... You haven't suffered a day in your life." These words had been delivered to me on more than one occasion. 

1 Samuel 16:7

For The Lord sees not as man sees: Man looks at the outward appearance, God looks upon the heart.

Here's my question... based on appearances do you make assumptions about people you do not know?

I'm not a theologian nor a bible scholar. But I do consider myself to have an advanced degree from the University of Diversity. I will try my best to spare all the gruesome details. So here it goes. Neglected, rejected, despised, and abused. By the time I was fourteen years old I was homeless, and had become a couch hopper. Unwilling to become a burden to anyone I would usually run. I visited the shelters available to teens, but felt I was better off alone and on my own. In and out of court rooms, fearfully facing my abusers in order to protect those I loved even though they rejected me. There was never any rest; which resulted in countless failed attempts at suicide. I was pregnant at nineteen and where I always started out with good intentions quickly turned in to a scandal. I felt so much shame because I merely lived a life of survival. All I ever wanted to do was experience peace!!! 

I'm not interested in writing you a novel so I will just stop here, because the trials and tribulations are endless. People were rarely aware of my circumstances, because of my appearance. I always (as people would share) looked put together. 

I met my husband shortly after my 23rd birthday. And accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. The moment I settled in to the lifestyle of what I thought was going to be peaceful, all kinds of ICKY began to manifest. 

Jesus began to heal me. The healing process itself, to say the least, was UUUGLY! Stuff just began bubbling  out all over the place!! Scared to allow my husband and family (I had two boys at this point) to see what needed to come out, I began to destroy my marriage.

Proverbs 14:1

The wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.

I definitely wanted to isolate myself so that I didn't have to face the pain or the horror that I'd endured in my short lifetime. Nope. The Lord allowed everyone in my life to see it as though I was on display. After three years of this my marriage couldn't take any more. Here I was again, failing at my attempt to pull off a "Normal Life". 

But then... I picked up my bible and began to pray. The next several years were not the easiest, but I started doing things God's way. All of my brokenness was healed and my marriage restored. In retrospect I began to see the hidden treasures that God had for me in these times of darkness. 

Although life doesn't stop bringing it's trials I can honestly say that the battle belongs to The Lord. I am sincerely living the abundant life that Jesus spoke of. Not because things are perfect, but because to know Him and to be loved by Him is to know that there is a treasure within everything that life may hold for us. 

Rejoice in knowing that you have a purpose!!!!!! And for the love of Jesus (...because he first loved us. - 1 John 4:19). Walk fearlessly in it.

Fearless & Fit... It's coming!!

What is Fearless and Fit?  

Well I’m pretty sure we don’t even know yet...I mean we do, but we don’t.  You know what I’m saying?  This is new to us as well.  We are just so excited to bring a whole bunch of ladies together for a day centered around fitness, fellowship, and the third “f”, friendship...I know kind of corny, but, true.  

We want it to be a day where we as women begin to champion one another.  

Champion: To protect or fight for.

I’m just going to put it out there....we as women (the people group) are fairly caddy, critical, and sometimes down right nasty.  Truth be told though, we need each other, we need to protect one another, we need to fight for one another.  But how do we do this?  How do we champion one another?  This is a topic very dear to my heart.  How do we know others and at the same time let others know us?  Just as gossip spreads like wild fire, this can too.  It something that brings great life to those around us.  

We will then be taking the fitness piece as well and adding it to the event.  You are a strong woman...whether you believe it or not.  You are!  You are strong, beautiful, courageous, brave, loving, caring, compassionate, and just pretty much amazing.  Over the years I have seen women begin to believe these things as the tool of fitness is used.  

We must know who we are and as we do this we begin to be able to tell other women who they are!  

Please don’t let the fitness piece scare you.  

You do not even need to be exercising at this time to come and join us.  You will do what you are capable of doing.  We want to meet you where you are.  You will sweat because it's July in Medford. You will sweat because we will do work, but this is more than just a kick your butt see how many people I can make throw up sort of thing. That's just not me. 

I want to give you some tools to be successful in maintaining your wellness. 

This is about gathering women and begin to create a culture where women champion one another, support one another, and just be there for one another in the midst of the crazy life!!!! It's going to be so much fun!!!! 

Don’t know anyone going?  It’s all good, there will be plenty of new people to meet and I can guarantee you will meet some amazing women who you just might end up making life long friendships with.  


Check out the Website for  the Fearless & Fit retreat HERE

Ready to say "HECK YA I'M GOIN??" CLICK HERE to register online!