RULES: I dare you to stop following them...

Source: flickr.com via Gabriele on Pinterest

It's been almost a year since the painful root of rebellion was ripped from my flesh, it was excruciating but sweet and freeing at the same time. I SO AM GRATEFUL. As God continues to open my eyes, he does more than just gently reveal the crap the needs to be tilled from my core, He gives me glimpses of the freedom and powerful story he has for my future. As I let go of the things that have tethered me in fear for the past 30 years, my eyes are opened to the intense furnace of anger and pride and bitterness I still harbor, and He speaks to me so gently as if He is coaxing a scared, injured animal out of a corner. He reminds me of his promises for my life, He reminds me that I am created to do EVEN more than He did in his short ministry on earth. And as I hear his truth and bury it like a seed in my guts, my clenched fists are slowly slowly starting to let go of the past, the heart break and rejection, the humiliation and feeling so incredibly insignificant.... and as I let go each day I experience just a little more of the freedom He has for me. I AM SO GRATEFUL.

You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the spiritual powers of this world. So why do you keep on following the rules of the world, such as,  “Don’t handle! Don’t taste! Don’t touch!”?  Such rules are mere human teachings about things that deteriorate as we use them.  These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, pious self-denial, and severe bodily discipline. But they provide no help in conquering a person’s evil desires. -Colossians 2:20-23

Here's my point. We all have crap we know needs to be out of our lives. But real transformation can ONLY come from the prompting of the Holy Spirit... and that prompting for change is always about growth and freedom and being built up by the Creator of the universe. Guilt and condemnation come from man made rules and judgmental legalism. It's important to know the difference... it's important to remember GUILT IS NOT FROM GOD. And when a spirit filled transformation starts... look out... because YOU WILL BE TRANSFORMED! YOU WILL HAVE VICTORY!

Man made rules, aka rules of this world, can make us feel good about ourselves, but I honestly believe they are a trap designed by the enemy. If we feel we are "good enough"... why would we ever think we need to be transformed in Christ? If I can check church and my quiet time off my list, I'm good right? If I can prove that I never watch a rated R movie and never have anything to drink... I'm good right?? I'm not knocking the personal conviction some people feel about these areas... AT ALL... but at the end of the day they are just rules... MAN MADE... and if we seek rules out of fear of what could happen, we could totally bypass the whole step of being transformed by the power of Christ.

If this makes you squidgy... if you're thinking WHOA she just crossed the line... maybe it's time to pray for God to reveal the areas of your life He wants to transform... the areas that need to be rooted out in the name of FREEDOM and GRACE and GROWTH. Because when these things happen the fruit of your life will scream and radiate the intimate relationship you're experiencing with our creator, and there will be no need for rules... no need for safety. It won't be enough for you anymore, once you've tasted true victory and freedom and grace and God's mighty power you won't be able to go back and live a life of checklists and merely meeting christian expectations. Today I dare you to stop being a rule follower ... because Jesus wasn't a rule follower He was a radical, He couldn't settle for the status quo and neither should we.

Glorifying "Busy"...

(revised pinterest poster:)

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." - John 14:27

I'm sitting here typing with an avulsion fracture on my ankle, a sweet little souvenir I got to keep from our big vintage fair this weekend. A reminder that my body can't go at the rate that I was previously operating at ANNND a kick in the teeth by perspective.

When I saw the above saying on Pinterest... "STOP THE GLORIFICATION OF BUSY" I screamed "YES" out loud. Yes, my kids are completely used to spastic random outbursts like that from me:):) 

Sooo.... WHY do we do it??? Have you ever got in those "conversations" with other women about how crazy life is and have it turn into some sort of contest about who's life is the busiest, who has the most kids, the most laundry the most projects all on the smallest amount of sleep... blah blah blahbady blah!!! I've done it! I bet you've done it... and we need to STOP! In the name of Jesus... WE NEED TO STOP PRETENDING BUSY= GOOD.

There's so much personal fulfillment we get from being busy... if you're insecure in any way being busy and "out there" about what you're doing can bring lots of pats on the back, lots of sympathy and lots accolades annnnnd if you're doing just enough you might just get the coveted "I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT ALL."

PUKE!!!! 

GIRLS we are made for MORE than being "busy".

A couple of weeks ago a good friend said "I don't know how you do it all" to me and God used something that used to puff me up to convict me and start an upheaval of something needing to be broken off in me. Let me tell you how I've done it all... I've put my kids, my husband, my sex life, (yup), my passions etc. all on the back burner. I mean you have to if you're really going to do "it all." Why is that OK?? Why is it celebrated?? Why do I feel guilty about wanting to have an actual hobby that has nothing to do with grocery shopping or taking the car through the car wash alone? I'm done! We get ONE LIFE PEOPLE... I don't think at the end we're going to say, "Ohh I wish I would have done one more thing out of guilt so I could have ignored my family just a little more..."

Now, I will say, our fair was a lot of work... it was long hours and a wee bit of stress. But it was also God ordained. It was so fulfilling and something we enjoyed as a family and even in it's challenges there was growth and community and deepening of relationships. I'm actually not talking about the fair... it's all of the other little things I said yes to on top of the fair that God did not call me to. Things that were done out of guilt or not knowing how to say no. Things I added to my plate that were just distractions from the journey HE HAS ORDAINED FOR ME.

I fully realize I'm rambling... but can I get an AMEN? I'm sick of going and doing and pleasing others at my family's expense and at the expense of the calling God has given me. My friend just voxed me today and said our time  here is short! IT IS, it's short girls!!! We can't waste it by being 'busy" with stuff He hasn't called us to.

So how do you know if what you're doing is from God and not just a distraction of business from the enemy?? As Heather C. reminded me today... GUILT IS NOT FROM GOD... the enemy wants us to believe every second of our days need to be filled. He wants us to believe our kids need to be occupied 24/7 and he covers us with guilt and makes us feel like we have to apologize for quiet afternoons or evenings at home. It's when we stop going and doing and we focus on relationships that we see what needs repaired ... we can be still and hear God's voice... we can teach our kids their significance is in Christ and not in what is accomplished in a day. And the ENEMY does NOT want that.

As a recovering people pleaser these are not easy words to write. It's scary to slow down! What will people think when my answer is no? Not, "No I have 7 other commitments," but "No, that doesn't work for me right now." As I am forced via a fractured ankle to slow down I am seeing what God has been trying to show me for months. Is this message for you too?? Lets STOP together... lets STOP asking women how they get it "all" done... because I guarantee you somethings NOT being done and it's most likely her poor husband. Let's STOP celebrating it ... and let's stop doing it... together... ready??? One... Two... Three... STOP!

As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. 39 Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”

But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.” -Luke 10:38-42

The Scariest Prayer I've Ever Prayed

In the same way, you younger men must accept the authority of the elders. And all of you, serve each other in humility, for

“God opposes the proud

but favors the humble.”

-1 Peter 5:5

It's always made me squidgy when people, actors, singers... whoever say, "I'm humbled by..." I guess I never really understood what it meant and half the time it feels wrote and completely not genuine anyway.

When we received our new home... built by the sacrifices of our community... built by contractors and carpenters and volunteers who were out of work and even homeless, for the first time I knew the depths of what that phrase means. It's this feeling in your guts that makes you want to cry and throw up and praise God all at once. It's a stripping of any fronts before God and his people. It's feeling naked and exposed and unworthy but so very grateful. And it's in this humbled state that God can mold us and grow us and true, deep, REAL relationships and communities can be cemented together. 

Years ago my husband C.J. was a youth pastor at a local church. On our last outreach with our high school group we did a mission to Medford and served different people in our community. At night we took the kids to a campground about an hour north of us to sing and pray and reflect on how God moved throughout the day. On the last night of this last adventure with our kids C.J. challenged us all to pray the scariest prayer we could pray.

"LORD, HUMBLE ME."

He said if we did it would be one of the most spiritually powerful things we would ever experience... and to watch out... because God would answer this. I didn't pray the prayer that night... I was too afraid. For like a decade I have continued to be afraid of those three words. It hasn't been until I've truly experienced and seen the heart of God over the past year that I realize this prayer won't bring embarrassment or humiliation... I have pictured myself on my knees praying this and instantly getting a blistering rash over my face or tripping and falling down in front of lots of people or walking around all day with my zipper undone. Seriously!! I thought those things are what this prayer would bring... but after experiencing the build, after experiencing the affects of the tearing away of years of crap that's held me back... by God's sweet gentle grace, I realized praying this prayer will result in beauty, rawness, and growth that can only come from really really trusting that God wants to give me an abundant life of love and freedom.

As I was talking to my friend the other day on the phone and we were discussing our secret motives, our need to be liked and praised by people and we just prayed... right there over the phone, on her break at work... LORD, HUMBLE US. When I was done praying she said HOLY CRAP Lindsay, you just asked God to humble us... bring it!!

Good news, no skin eating plague has struck my house, no huge embarrassments in front of large crowds has occurred (well, no more than usual at least.) What has happened... true, unadulterated vulnerability before God... deeper friendships, more awareness of what is keeping me from knowing Him and a growing trust, from a girl that trusts no one, in my God, my husband, my family and friends. This prayer is only scary if you're afraid to let go of the false fronts you put up... it's only scary if you're not ready to have walls be broken down and your eyes opened to who HE created you to be. It's been a mighty and powerful prayer that I will continue to pray on this journey... the only thing I regret is not praying it sooner!

LORD, HUMBLE US. Pray it with me girls! Jesus, strip us of ourselves. Peal back the layers of doubt, anger, control, self-hate, insecurity, pride, cynicism, rebellion and jealousy. Reveal us for who we are IN YOU. Help us yearn for the rawness and realness that comes with this prayer... move us forward, open our eyes to see who you created us to be... use this prayer to break down walls and bust out vaults that are keeping us from knowing and loving you... and each other.... praise you Jesus for a new day and a fresh start... give us eyes to see your reality. -Amen

Prayers of Revival

If He came so that we could have life and have it abundantly, do you ever owner if you're just missing something? The difference between what He actually wants for us and what we think he wants for us is cavernous sometimes. We are so good at playing church or acting "the part" inside our little boxes, that we can lose ourselves, we can lose the unique identity he plugged into our DNA.  We all go through seasons of struggle and survival... it's when those seasons go on for months and years that the enemy rejoices. I know I have allowed life, autism, financial struggles, insecurity, fear, and my need for security and control keep me in seasons of spiritual decay (aka complacency) for too long. I also know that it's those things that cause everyday to feel like groundhog day that keep me feeling discontent and disconnected to God and His people.

Last night a group of women came up to fight for the important things in life... we came together to fight for our marriages, our kids, our callings and our identities in Christ. Don't break out in song yet... rather than stringing together fluffy kumbaya moments we proclaimed truth over each other and in prayer for ourselves. IF WE LONG FOR TRUE REVIVAL IN OUR LIVES WE HAVE TO FIGHT FOR IT, we have to long for it, we have to stand up and accept that abundant life Christ promised us... and that's just what we did!

We finished the night with these african revival prayers I stole from Brian Brennt in his Circuit Rider's pod casts. There is something powerful about 70 ish women standing together and shouting them out loud together. If you couldn't come last night, here is what we prayed, say these words, believe these words and the embers of revival will ignite!

{Prayer 1}
I receive Christ's fire and fresh ANOINTING in the name of Jesus!

{Prayer 2}
Every yoke working working against spiritual growth in my life, BREAK in the name of Jesus!

{Prayer 3}
Every area of incomplete deliverance in my life, receive complete deliverance BY FIRE in the name of Jesus!

{Prayer 4}
Every destructive habit designed to waste my calling, DIE in the name of Jesus!

{Prayer 5}
Holy Ghost fire DESTROY every work of darkness in my life!

And here is what we proclaimed over each other:

“Arise, _(insert your name)__! Let your light shine for all to see.
For the glory of the Lord rises to shine on you_(insert your name)__.
Darkness as black as night covers all the nations of the earth,
but the glory of the Lord rises and appears over you.
All nations will come to your light;
mighty kings will come to see your radiance_(insert your name)__.

-Isaiah 60:1-3 (thanks Kelli for this!!!)

"If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. 7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do." -James 1:5-8

Today pray these prayers and believe HE WILL ANSWER THEM! It's a new day time for a fresh start... it's time to move mountains, no more excuses!

CONTROL: My Secret Confession

Hi my name is Lindsay and I am a closet control freak. I mean, I came out of the womb with that screw you shoulder bob and I'm pretty sure my first sentence was, "uhhh don't tell me what to do." My first draft of wedding vows purposefully left out the word "submit" because I couldn't stomach the word... but then I added it back in because I knew people wouldn't expect it and IIIIIIIIIII wanted to be in control of what people thought of me. BUT the funny thing is I've never EVER thought of myself struggling with control...

Ahhh, as I write I'm reeling... God has revealed so much to me in the past few days of my need for control. The way I put myself down before others have a chance to so I can control how much of my junk they can see. Not letting my kids venture out and do extracurricular activities unless I'm 2 feet from them, so people can't see how out of control autism makes our lives. Going COMPLETELY CRAZY, (like we're talking Wanda the witch on crack) if someone changes my schedule. Oh and my crowning glory.. growing a snarling second head and castrating my husband with my words if I feel like he's trying to "control" me in the slightestest way...

CRAAAAP!!! I could go on for days about how I am a certified control queen, BUT the point of this is growth, redemption and finding out what keeps me from being who God created me to be. It's almost exciting to constantly see the strongholds God points out a) because there is NO CONDEMNATION in Christ... so while it's not pretty... there is no guilt... just freedom to change and b) because in ripping these ugly parts out of me I am growing in God's grace and power and as I get my junk out of the way he uses me in different ways that are exciting, full of adventure and serious joy.

Either way, CHRIST'S LOVE CONTROLS US. Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them. 

-2 Corinthians 5:14-15

 I love what Brian Brennt says about control in the Freedom Resource Manual, "Control can become so integrated into a personality that we may not be able to detect any element of it. It can hide so deep within us that we may be unable to distinguish between our true, God- given personality, and the stronghold of control. Our sense of identity and our emotions can be completely submerged in the stronghold of control."

A friend and I were talking the other day and she was saying how the thing that absolutely undoes her in others is usually something she's struggling with ... without even knowing it. CONTROL has been that for me. My biggest fights with my husband have been when I feel like he's trying to control me... and if we're getting really down and dirty I have always had NO problem calling it out and being SUPER judgmental when I think someone else has "control" issues. 

Today I am choosing break the stronghold of control in my life! I confess that it has driven me and kept me from Jesus and being the woman He created me to be. I confess I have sinned in the name of needing to control my life and in the name of not wanting to be controlled by anyone or anything. But I break the enemy's power... in the name of Jesus I bind satan from the area of control in my life. It's done it's over, it's finished... Lord Jesus fill me with your love and grace. Give me the strength to pry my white clenching knuckles off of this part of my life... I want to be controlled by your love... I want to live your way... I want to move mountains and be the healer of hearts you have called me to be... and I know I can't do that while being strangled by the need to control. Amen....

Do you struggle with needing to control certain areas of your life? Is it something you need to break off?? Then do it... to be uber spiritual about this: it's time to poop or get off the pot... seriously!! It's time!  Need prayer??? I'll pray with you... This journey is hard and scary and gross sometimes but it's also UH-MAZING and adventurous and exciting!!!!! 

Revival starts at home...

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.-Romans 12:2

God has done some UH-MAZING... INCREDIBLE things up here on HOPE HILL in the past month! There has been repentance, acceptance, baptism, community, REEEEEVIVAL people. I feel like it's just a snowball effect and God is doing it all! 

How amazing it is to see other people transformed and to see how God is using this huge gift He has given us only a year after the "build".  Here's the thing though and it's powerful and true and right and it is something my mom told me about 17 years ago as I prepared to leave for my first long term mission. I believe I was in the living room calling my little brother an effing little SOB when my mom popped her head in and said, "Hey Linz, guess what... your mission starts here.. at home, with your family." I think I rolled my eyes and finished mutalating little denny with my hate and anger.

This morning at 33, as I was weeping in her kitchen, she reminded me the same thing. I am being transformed... GOD IS CHANGING ME!!! hmm hmm, but I wonder if my husband and kids would notice the change. I'm game for whatever God has up on The Hill.. but asking me to be joyful or have grace at home... not so much. Praise GOD FOR HIS GRACE! Praise God that he used my moms words again to remind me where the revival he has set before needs to start... HOME... HUSBAND... CHILDREN... 

Today I confess and repent for the anger and control that have been dictating my attitude toward my family... today I claim victory... I claim surrender and the opulent freedom that comes with letting go. I give my agenda for the day to you jesus! Not just in words but from the depths of my guts Lord! Transform me... not just the me people on the outside see... transform my core... let me husband and kids be the recipients of your work in me... REVIVAL LORD... TRUE REVIVAL is what I'm calling out and longing for... get rid of all of the other crap that has kept me bound and held me back!!

AMEN...

Hold Me Down if You Have to

As I sat at lunch yesterday with a friend, we were talking deep stuff as we sipped on our oh so delicious basil lemonade!!!  Yummy!  It was so good...I just got distracted thinking about it and forgot what I wanted to write....OK regroup.  So we were talking deep, tears, laughter, and all of it.  This weekend I found freedom, chains gone, unbound from the greatest wound that existed in my heart!!!  The greatest one...GONE.

After I was done sharing a few simple words came from her mouth, "Surrender leads to so much healing."  As my smiled stayed stuck on my face, my eyes welled up with tears I realized the surrender that had occurred in my life. For a quick moment I was proud of myself, so stoked that my brokenness led to another massive heart change.  While reading Tozer the other day I came across this quote and I'm pretty sure I had to read it like 5 times, then write it down, then meditate on it, then be utterly broken by it.

“Self is the opaque veil that hides the face of God from us.  It can be removed only in spiritual experience, never by mere instruction, as well try to instruct leprosy out of your system.  There must be a work of God in destruction before we are free.  We must invite the cross to do its deadly work within us.  We must bring our self-sin (self-righteousness, self-pity, self-confidence, self-sufficiency, self-admiration, self-love) to the cross for judgement we must prepare ourselves for an ordeal of suffering in some measure like that through which our Savior passed when he suffered under Pontius Pilate.

Let us remember when we talk of the rending of the veil we are speaking in a figure; and the thought of it is poetical, almost pleasant; but in actuality there is nothing pleasant about it.  In human experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole beings consist, and to touch us where we feel pain.  To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us, and make us bleed, to say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all.  It is never fun to die.  To rip through the dear tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful.  Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the cross would do to every man to set him free.”

                                                                                                   A.W. Tozer 

Great victory usually comes after a great battle.  In one of my most favorite books, Hinds Feet on High Places...I know,  I know I talk about it alot, but it's just that good!  Much Afraid is going to altar to rid herself of her natural love and natural desires.  She tries to pull them out herself but realizes that the roots are literally intertwined into every part of her being.  She is absolutely unable to pull them all out herself.  As she comes to an altar there is a figure there.  She says to him, 

"I am a very great coward.  I am afraid that the pain may cause me to try to resist you.  Will you bind me to the altar in some way so that I cannot move?  I would not like to be found struggling while the will of my Lord is done."  

He then binds her to the altar and pulls out her human love and human desire.  In it's place is a gaping hole for the supernatural love and desires of the Lord to grow.  It took her being bound, not all of our surrender will take that much surrender, but the big stuff will, we are human and it will hurt and our tendency is to fight or run.  

Dear Lord as Ruth says to Naomi, so be my prayer to you, "Don't force me to leave you; don't make me go home.  Where you go, I go; where you live, I'll live.  your people are my people, your God is my god; where you die, I'll die, and that's where I'll be buried, so help me God-not even death itself is going to come between us."  Ruth 1:17