"SUBMISSION" Isn't A Four Letter Word... anymore

I have written before about the twitch I get in my stomach over the "S" word... no not that one, the other one... HMMHMM submission. That was me whispering the word.  Why is it so hard to say? Why is it so gut wrenchingly hard to do? I feel like it goes against my core, my human nature, my existence. WHY? Because it does.

A pastor friend of mine told me not too long ago that our reaction to anything in life speaks more about the state of our own hearts than what we're actually reacting to. 

In my humanness, when someone tells me to SUBMIT,  I put one finger up (my pointer finger people, sheesh) with my other hand on my hip and do the ever rebellious head bob. "Oh heck no," is the cry of my heart. Can you see how this complicates my life, my marriage, my friendships??

As I sift out my need for control, I'm finding it's got it's ugly claws lodged in so many areas in my life. I am so thankful for God gently showing me these areas... even in His gentleness though, even knowing he only wants me to be free to experience Him, I'm on this cyclical roller coaster of letting it go and then white knuckling it out of fear.

If I let go of control, will I lose me? If I submit fully to God and ahemmm my husband, will my voice be lost? Will I be less of a person? Will the me I think is really me cease to exist? This is the craziness that consumes my thoughts lately. 

You go through something weird when you get married and have kids. A few years into the journey it feels like parts of you are missing, like your only identity is as  his wife or their mom. It's like the fun, bubbly old me was traded in for an exhausted butt wiping puke cleaning shell of a woman. As I am emerging from that stage, having fewer butts to wipe and less puke to clean, I find myself fighting to be the old me again. The problem is... I think sometimes I get confused and unknowingly start picking the wrong fight. Instead of fighting to be me... I should be fighting to find my identity in Him. Fighting to bear the crowning glory of his sacrifice, humility and submission.

In his book Why Not Women, Loren Cunningham says, "Submission to God is the ultimate strength." He goes on to say, "True freedom comes when we submit to one another in humility."

I want this. I want this with God of course but also with my husband. We are called to submit to one another because it mirrors the relationship of the trinity. There's a beautiful harmony to it... it's what makes relationships work, and I want it. It's in understanding the importance and meaning of submission that I finally understand the idea of dying to myself, and becoming less so that He may become more.

{Sitting down, He called the twelve and said to them, “If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all."} Mark 9:35

Lord today I see it so clearly. I see how holding on to this entitlement of control is hurting my marriage and hurting my relationship with you. Thank you Lord. Forgive me Jesus for holding on, forgive my rebellion and pride ultimately rooted in the fear of being unimportant, unloved and not valued. I know this couldn't be further from your heart. Forgive me for seeking an identity apart from you. Restore me Jesus... thank you for tenderly opening my eyes to this barrier between us!  I receive your freedom.