Breaking the Silence...

It's  been over a month since my last post but it's felt like years. I have been silenced. By genetics I'm a nervous talker... my mom is one too... we have a disorder called FOAS, hmm hmm fear of awkward silence. So so so often I talk or write to fill a void.

SILENCE IS AWKWARD AND SQUIDGY. 

Yesterday we had our first Fearless and Fit Retreat up here. It was actually pretty amazing. We did this thing called knee to knee eye to eye where complete strangers had to be authentic and real and vulnerable with each other... while touching knees and looking in eyes. I was leading the exercise, not even participating and it made me pitty. Afterward my friend Heather said she realized her need to fill the silence for the other person, she said she realized she was just trying to avoid awkwardness but in doing so wasn't allowing the other person to own and experience the exercise in their own way. She really is one of the most profound women I know. To realize that about yourself in a matter of minutes and own it is amazing. I've been tap dancing and vomitting verbally on people my entire life because silence has always been scary to me.

This past month I've realized there really is nothing scary about silence. It's in the silence that we can listen and hear God's voice... we can listen and hear the needs of others around us. Silence is where we move from me center thinking to kingdom centered thinking, because when we can shut our mouths and silence our thoughts we make room for the Holy Spirit to move in and take over. We make room for compassion and service and doing rather than just talking about doing so other people will praise us.

The other day a friend called and left me a message saying she had to confess something to me. In an attempt to avoid any awkwardness I called her back and when she said hello I bursted out, "Hey you don't have to confess anything to me, I love you, there is nothing you can do to change it we're good." My inability to be quiet and even let her get her confession out ROBBED her of what she needed that day. It upset her and rightly so... silence is highly UNDER RATED!

In silence I have realized how many of my words have been used to build my own kingdom rather than His. There are so many words out there... so many opinions and teachings... so many great books so many people trying to put in their two sense. I guess I just don't want to add to the noise anymore... in life or on the blog. So,  UNTIL He actually gives me words to speak or write I shall be silenced. I want to get awkward and squidgy and itchy (thanks Annie for the new term:)) and pitty in the silence as I wait to hear and speak ONLY what he has for me to speak. I am sick of squelching the Holy Spirit because of my need for comfort. This is a hard statement to make in the blogging world when rule numero uno is to have a regular blogging schedule... but I can't... I want my words to be His... I want The Fearless Experience to be spirit led and Kingdom minded. This might mean a post a day for weeks and then nothing for months... I don't know... but I love you and Him too much to be another source of noise in your day... Here's to getting squidgy!!