Revival starts at home...

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.-Romans 12:2

God has done some UH-MAZING... INCREDIBLE things up here on HOPE HILL in the past month! There has been repentance, acceptance, baptism, community, REEEEEVIVAL people. I feel like it's just a snowball effect and God is doing it all! 

How amazing it is to see other people transformed and to see how God is using this huge gift He has given us only a year after the "build".  Here's the thing though and it's powerful and true and right and it is something my mom told me about 17 years ago as I prepared to leave for my first long term mission. I believe I was in the living room calling my little brother an effing little SOB when my mom popped her head in and said, "Hey Linz, guess what... your mission starts here.. at home, with your family." I think I rolled my eyes and finished mutalating little denny with my hate and anger.

This morning at 33, as I was weeping in her kitchen, she reminded me the same thing. I am being transformed... GOD IS CHANGING ME!!! hmm hmm, but I wonder if my husband and kids would notice the change. I'm game for whatever God has up on The Hill.. but asking me to be joyful or have grace at home... not so much. Praise GOD FOR HIS GRACE! Praise God that he used my moms words again to remind me where the revival he has set before needs to start... HOME... HUSBAND... CHILDREN... 

Today I confess and repent for the anger and control that have been dictating my attitude toward my family... today I claim victory... I claim surrender and the opulent freedom that comes with letting go. I give my agenda for the day to you jesus! Not just in words but from the depths of my guts Lord! Transform me... not just the me people on the outside see... transform my core... let me husband and kids be the recipients of your work in me... REVIVAL LORD... TRUE REVIVAL is what I'm calling out and longing for... get rid of all of the other crap that has kept me bound and held me back!!

AMEN...

Hold Me Down if You Have to

As I sat at lunch yesterday with a friend, we were talking deep stuff as we sipped on our oh so delicious basil lemonade!!!  Yummy!  It was so good...I just got distracted thinking about it and forgot what I wanted to write....OK regroup.  So we were talking deep, tears, laughter, and all of it.  This weekend I found freedom, chains gone, unbound from the greatest wound that existed in my heart!!!  The greatest one...GONE.

After I was done sharing a few simple words came from her mouth, "Surrender leads to so much healing."  As my smiled stayed stuck on my face, my eyes welled up with tears I realized the surrender that had occurred in my life. For a quick moment I was proud of myself, so stoked that my brokenness led to another massive heart change.  While reading Tozer the other day I came across this quote and I'm pretty sure I had to read it like 5 times, then write it down, then meditate on it, then be utterly broken by it.

“Self is the opaque veil that hides the face of God from us.  It can be removed only in spiritual experience, never by mere instruction, as well try to instruct leprosy out of your system.  There must be a work of God in destruction before we are free.  We must invite the cross to do its deadly work within us.  We must bring our self-sin (self-righteousness, self-pity, self-confidence, self-sufficiency, self-admiration, self-love) to the cross for judgement we must prepare ourselves for an ordeal of suffering in some measure like that through which our Savior passed when he suffered under Pontius Pilate.

Let us remember when we talk of the rending of the veil we are speaking in a figure; and the thought of it is poetical, almost pleasant; but in actuality there is nothing pleasant about it.  In human experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole beings consist, and to touch us where we feel pain.  To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us, and make us bleed, to say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all.  It is never fun to die.  To rip through the dear tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful.  Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the cross would do to every man to set him free.”

                                                                                                   A.W. Tozer 

Great victory usually comes after a great battle.  In one of my most favorite books, Hinds Feet on High Places...I know,  I know I talk about it alot, but it's just that good!  Much Afraid is going to altar to rid herself of her natural love and natural desires.  She tries to pull them out herself but realizes that the roots are literally intertwined into every part of her being.  She is absolutely unable to pull them all out herself.  As she comes to an altar there is a figure there.  She says to him, 

"I am a very great coward.  I am afraid that the pain may cause me to try to resist you.  Will you bind me to the altar in some way so that I cannot move?  I would not like to be found struggling while the will of my Lord is done."  

He then binds her to the altar and pulls out her human love and human desire.  In it's place is a gaping hole for the supernatural love and desires of the Lord to grow.  It took her being bound, not all of our surrender will take that much surrender, but the big stuff will, we are human and it will hurt and our tendency is to fight or run.  

Dear Lord as Ruth says to Naomi, so be my prayer to you, "Don't force me to leave you; don't make me go home.  Where you go, I go; where you live, I'll live.  your people are my people, your God is my god; where you die, I'll die, and that's where I'll be buried, so help me God-not even death itself is going to come between us."  Ruth 1:17

Please...I'm Begging You, Come a Little Closer

What a dang night last night!!! I was so blown away by the way the Lord moved and the testimonies that have been stirring in the last 12 hours!!! I am so honored to have been given the opportunity to speak last night! I must also say....

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!
The generosity shown last night a you gave was UNBELIEVABLE.

In a post a few months ago I read aloud this word given to me by a friend. I felt very called to post it again for you to read and to tuck away...married, single, or dating! It has been such an encouraging word in my story!! I hope it opens every part of your heart, soul, and mind to the relationship that the Lord is so eager to have with YOU.

No one will ever fill the longings of our soul like the one who created those longings, desires, and dreams.  The Lord is the only one who can.  No other will ever love us or affirm us like the Lord want to do.  He wants to woo us, to carry our burdens, and speak tenderly to our hearts.

"Everyone longs to give themselves to someone. To have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to a Christian says, "no, not until you're satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by Me alone and giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have a intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. I love you My child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me...exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow me to have the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep that satisfaction knowing that I AM. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait."

"Don't be anxious and don't worry. Don't look around at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me or you'll miss what I have to show you."

"And then when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for is ready, I am working this minute to have both of you ready at the same time, and until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I've prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love."

"And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.

Know I love you.

I am God Almighty.
Believe and be satisfied."

So God I just pray for a desire and a hunger inside each one of us to know you as you can be known. I pray that our hearts would be so tightly knit to yours that no other would suffice. That our desire for you would be all that would satisfy and that all else would be an added bonus to our lives. Lord, teach us how to seek you, teach us to hear your voice, teach us how to be still before you. Teach us to love like you love! Amen

My True Idenity

Oh Jesus my Healer why have you come, to knock on my heart,

I'd rather feel numb

Persuaded in my mind I already have an identity, 

but it has become evident that with out you there is no me

I will not let myself delight in false humility,

by allowing others to judge what I eat or drink

for these are only the shadows of how His hope sustains me

Can you see me begin to emerge in my true IDENTITY

Oh Jesus my healer I stand in your grace, as you restore me to my health,

I lay down on my face

When I arise I feel so Immovable,

Realizing in that moment it was never me but YOU

The beauty of being amazingly UNDER-QUALIFIED...

While some people hide behind a wall of FALSE perfection... I hide behind a wall of raw vomit. Well, hmmhmm, let me explain... I have always thought if I can tell you all the crap about me up front, you will know that I know that I'm a wreck BEFORE you point it out. 

Anywhooo... it's in the rawness and realness that I feel the most comfortable, not because I'm so great but because weirdly it's my defense mechanism, it's always been hard for me to accept the good stuff.  This though, has been satan's number one route to hold me back in life. I've realized, there is a difference between being upfront, raw and real (all good) and being a self loathing, guilt ridden person who lives in a shadow of fear and condemnation. I'm in transition though. Learning that it's ok to own the good stuff while recognizing and throwing out the crap... 

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. -Romans 8:1-2

There is beauty in my own weakness. There is something incredible about the fact that He can take the extremely under-qualified (me, you, those 12 guys back in the day) and turn us into extraordinary creations set-up to shake the foundations of the earth. It's easy to believe the bad, but it takes a little extra gumption to also believe the great about ourselves.

Why is it so hard to say "I am Uh-flippen-mazing" ... I am bold, I'm a leader, I am courageous and compassionate... HE made me this way... so why is it so hard to own?!?!?

All through the new testament  it says, "Ask in my name and I'll give it to you."{John 14:13} "Nothing is impossible with Christ"{Luke 1:37 NLT}, "I can do all things through Christ." {Philippians 4:13} THIS IS REALITY... but so many times we choose to believe in our own strength or we choose to believe we are defined by our short comings, resulting in a stale faith and a luke warm life of just surviving.

Everything great that has ever happened in my life has taken place when I've been vulnerably, noticeably UNDER-QUALIFIED. I went to Chile to serve and didn't speak a lick of spanish, I got married before I had a clue about what love really is or about how to respect or submit (years of ouch), I had my first baby 4 weeks early and while I thought I knew EVERYTHING... I knew NOTHING(shut up mom)... we moved to Portland on a whim because God called us so we just left ... house unsold, we left a paying job to follow a dream in a new industry in a down economy, we moved home home with nothing, no money no job no home... praying for HOPE for our broken family... we were nominated for a little contest and against all odds, even though we didn't fit the bill, we were chosen to receive the most monstrous gift a community could give. 
[EDITORS NOTE: I am fully aware this is a hugely long run on sentence...but it's how I talk so get over it:):)]

I'll be 33 this month and I am so grateful that I can stand up now and say, I love the person He is turning me into (gasp... can I say that???). I love that I feel like I can see a glimpse of what he's talking about in those verses above. I LOVE that I can't brag about these things for my glory but anything good in me is ONLY because he turned my dirty laundry into something quirky and great...

Today is the day girls... TODAY is the day to START OWNING the great stuff about YOU. Today is the DAY to worship our Creator by being brave enough to LOVE all of the great things He put inside of you AND to start using them to bulldoze mountains!! 

We all have crap and baggage, there are times when we seriously suck BUT we can't let those things define who we are.

If you're struggling beyond comprehension, if you're stepping out in faith (or falling out butt first like me), if you're searching for purpose or identity... know that these are all opportunities to OWN the greatness he has planted inside of you. Know that these are the seasons that can make you even greater and that YOU and I,  CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM... NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE... ASK IN HIS NAME AND HE WILL GIVE IT.... but to believe this you have to believe He made you for GREATNESS...

Falling Out Of "The Boat" Butt First...

If Peter stepped out of the boat and took a few steps before he started to sink... I spastically lept out of the boat and fell in butt first and then kind of slid toward Jesus like a donkey on ice before starting to sink...

To sink is to focus on my strength and abilities... to sink is to focus on building MY KINGDOM instead of his.

I've mentioned I haven't been able to write for weeks. Up until a few days ago there has just been nothing up there... I have so many thoughts through out the day and I'm going through so much spiritually, but the second I sit down to write... zero, zilch, nada... my brain is empty.

Starting this blog and then FIGHT NIGHT and the the FEARLESS AND FIT RETREAT were all apart of my spastic fall out of the safety boat. They are all things I know God is calling me too... and all things that can either be done in His Spirit for His Glory... OR in my strength to build me up. Sadly without knowing it... hmmhmm... this is hard to admit... but, like a nano second after that "pure pursuit for God", you know when I made the decision to fall out of the boat, came selfish motives that were even hidden from me.

I started to dream of how to use what God has given me for MYSELF... for MY career... for MY family's provision. None of which is wrong in itself, but for me it was because I started to use something that started so pure to fill my need for stuff and recognition outside of God's will. The nice comments on the blog and the Facebook page... the great response from fight night... I took those things and buried them in ME... while my lips said "glory to God," my heart puffed up in what I thought was my own ability.

{MOTIVE} {HEART}{CONSCIENCE}

These things are so easy to hide... but HE knows. And it occurred to me, unless it's truly for HIS glory... nothing matters. 

All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD.
Proverbs 16:1-3


Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.
1 Corinthians 4:4-6

I needed to confess this... I needed to start fresh... I need to continue my quest to awkwardly fall out of the boat, but as I move forward I want to keep my focus on God and what He wants to use me for. I have come to grips with letting go of my dreams... like Abraham I am setting them on the alter... the gifts and blessings God has given me are not my own. The lump in my heart I have as I write this is my offering to God. I trust Him, I love him and I know what He has for me is beyond anything I could ever dream of... here's to pure motives and a learning to trust His dreams are what I really want.

The Ministry of Life

Yesterday as I typed an email to someone I told her that God had called me into full time women's ministry... I shuttered as I typed those words. Here's why: Last Saturday, after talking about dreams and what/who we have let hold us back I had someone ask me a question. She said, "I guess my dream would be to have a vineyard with my husband, but is that ok... you know that my dream isn't ministry." (ok that was paraphrasing it was a week ago and I'm sleep deprived.) Anyway, it was right before I had to get people ready for lunch so I quickly answered "Of course! Everything we do has an impact on the Kingdom."

For a week now I have been wishing I would have forgotten about the logistics of getting 45 women in the lunch line and taken the time to talk about this. Here's the thing.. wait for it... WE ARE ALL CALLED TO MINISTRY... YOU ARE CALLED TO MINISTRY... unbunch your panties while I explain.

We are all, in fact, called to women's ministry, to children's ministry, to men's ministry, to feeding the homeless and giving to the poor... BUT  guess what it's not called ministry it's called LIFE.  

Whether you're a lawyer, a stay at home mom, a nurse or a farmer.... WE ARE ALL CALLED to work for the good of the kingdom! We are NOT called to compartmentalize "work", "family", "friends"  and "God". Sometimes I think the label of "ministry" makes the masses feel justified in NOT living a life purposefully devoted to Kingdom work because "ministry" is meant for those with a special calling set apart from "real" life.

If you have decided to love Jesus... guess what???? YOU ARE AUTOMATICALLY inducted into the MINISTRY OF LIFE... It's weird how words can unintentionally create barriers. If I don't label what I do as ministry, but rather as life, is it any less important? It feels less important, but that's called pride, and that's my own issue. When someone asks what I do what do I tell them??? "Well, I wipe butts and occasionally do dishes, oh and I love women..." How do I classify what God has called me to without the label of "ministry"... does it even matter? There's a bit of sexiness in the word ministry... somehow implying ministry is a program that I sacrifice to be a part of... something that only really spiritual people can lead. It can be a barrier... a divider... sometimes even an obstacle built on pride...

Not long ago I saw a friend from our pastoring days. Knowing that my hubby now works for a hospital system and no longer a church or official ministry he asked, "Does CJ miss being in ministry." I said "Not really, because our lives are ministry." I don't think this guy meant anything by his question, but it made my blood boil. Just a few weeks before CJ had been called to anoint a patient with oil and pray for healing because the chaplain was busy... this is life... is it less ministry because he works for a secular organization???!!!! As bosses and employees, as mothers and wives and daughters, as patrons at a restaurant or shoppers at Target... every second of everyday we are called to move the Kingdom forward and to love others by using the gifts God has given us... hmm hmm... M-I-N-I-S-T-R-Y!!

Paul was a tent maker by day and still managed to blaze as an apostle, preacher, teacher, and healer and lived ministry.  This is in NO WAY a dig to those in paid full time "ministry", we should as a community financially support our pastors! We should support the great organizations that spread the Gospel!!! The danger I am warning about is adopting an attitude of complacency in life because we don't bear an official label of "such and such" ministry. We are all called to work together... we are all a part of the body of Christ! When we no longer default to letting the "pros" handle the heart ache and ickiness of the world, when we can no longer hide behind the great excuse of being "unqualified", when we stop sitting back and expecting a chosen few do 99% of the work... and realize WE ARE THE WORKERS... WE ARE THE LEADERS... WE ARE THE MOUNTAIN MOVERS... HOLY CRAP people!!! the enemy will cower and the gates of Hell will be stormed... how glorious that day will be!

|FIGHTING WORDS|:

1 Corinthians 12:12-26 (The Message)

12-13You can easily enough see how this kind of thing works by looking no further than your own body. Your body has many parts—limbs, organs, cells—but no matter how many parts you can name, you're still one body. It's exactly the same with Christ. By means of his one Spirit, we all said good-bye to our partial and piecemeal lives. We each used to independently call our own shots, but then we entered into a large and integrated life in which he has the final say in everything. (This is what we proclaimed in word and action when we were baptized.) Each of us is now a part of his resurrection body, refreshed and sustained at one fountain—his Spirit—where we all come to drink. The old labels we once used to identify ourselves—labels like Jew or Greek, slave or free—are no longer useful. We need something larger, more comprehensive. 


14-18I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn't just a single part blown up into something huge. It's all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, "I'm not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don't belong to this body," would that make it so? If Ear said, "I'm not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don't deserve a place on the head," would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it. 


19-24But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of. An enormous eye or a gigantic hand wouldn't be a body, but a monster. What we have is one body with many parts, each its proper size and in its proper place. No part is important on its own. Can you imagine Eye telling Hand, "Get lost; I don't need you"? Or, Head telling Foot, "You're fired; your job has been phased out"? As a matter of fact, in practice it works the other way—the "lower" the part, the more basic, and therefore necessary. You can live without an eye, for instance, but not without a stomach. When it's a part of your own body you are concerned with, it makes no difference whether the part is visible or clothed, higher or lower. You give it dignity and honor just as it is, without comparisons. If anything, you have more concern for the lower parts than the higher. If you had to choose, wouldn't you prefer good digestion to full-bodied hair? 


25-26The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don't, the parts we see and the parts we don't. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance.

Project: WORLD O WOMEN ... overcoming the fear ...

The last two years I've spent taking a full on plunge into the WORLD O WOMEN! Upon becoming a "christian" a little over 10 years ago, I've been invited to multiple women's retreats and have only attended 2. I went kicking and screaming, and really to be honest (sorry girls), didn't enjoy them. I've also attended several bible studies in which I never finished. I always seemed to have a reasonable excuse as to why I shouldn't or couldn't return. So here's my point....This last week a couple of incredible women I know threw a day retreat called the "Fearless & Fit Retreat". It was SO much fun!!! But a heard a question asked repeatedly by the two women heading up the retreat as well as many who attended. 

Why are women so scary? 

Or rather, why do we avoid functions like these ones at all cost? I thought I was alone in feeling this way!! Apparently not. Lets face it, we've all had past experiences that have left us feeling more like an alien than 'one of the girls'...
Back to this journey I've been on. We'll just call it Project: World O Women. Creative I Know! Lol! As I've taken on this assignment to sort of infiltrate these strange beings, I've learned so much about myself. Here are a few things I've learned that may be helpful in overcoming your fear when it comes to large groups of women/people.

Wow! Building relationships just take too much time. Time that I obviously DON'T HAVE! Oh, how I have been guilty of using this A-L-I-B-I. It's God's desire that we build relationships with one another. As I seek Him first, He will direct my steps and help me to make time. We have also become such consumers of information. Coming together only to exchange all of the information we are inundated with on a daily bases. This is not a totally negative thing, but can sometime become a hindrance when trying to really get to know a person.

{Paraphrasing} 2 Timothy says to mark this: There will be teachers, men and women who will have a form of godliness but denying its power. Those who will be trying to deceive others. Have nothing to do with such people.


I've also been terrified of being "misunderstood". As I've ventured out of my comfort zone and returned to situations in which women exist: play dates, coffee dates, workout dates, various ministry groups etc...Guess what? I've been misunderstood and misunderstood others! Big Whoop! This plays a very important part in us developing relationally. If you are faithful in the "just showing up" department, God will be faithful in making what is crooked, straight {Isaiah 45:2}. In fact, the part of me that would prefer to correct the "misunderstanding" by re-explaining what it was I was TRYING to communicate, has begun to diminish. And in many ways is rooted in pride (that's a whole other topic). Now I just smile and nod knowing that the Lord will correct a person's perception if need be. Even if you are misunderstood time and time again, it will be okay. I promise! I wonder if this is why Jesus spoke in parables? Maybe He then could observe & discern whether the disciples were going to stop trying to figure everything out, and just allow His words to penetrate their hearts.

Another block for me personally is that I used to be a very success driven person. I didn't feel validated unless I was able to achieve some level of success by the worlds standards. I could be pretty creative in "talking shop" amongst some VERY successful people in the business world (don't ask me anything now, I've kept myself  completely out of the loop). This caused me to become terribly competitive and thereby I was unable to fully connect with people. Now, I revel in my weaknesses!!!

Something spectacular occurs when you allow people to see in to your frailties. It most often enables them to walk away from the conversation with permission to be real.

One more observation that I noticed women do. We fill the silence with endless chatter. When someone in their attempt at being vulnerable steps out, most women like to respond quickly with a solution. By nature, we sure like to fix things. Sometimes we are trying  to get rid of any possibility of 'awkward silence'. In the past when I've asked for prayer at church or elsewhere, women with the best of intentions have been typically quick to analyze & apply prayer accordingly. Sometimes all I need is for someone to listen and take their time praying for me. I've learned with my kids that when I'm too quick to respond, they walk away feeling as though I wasn't really LISTENING. They for sure won't trust me to listen when the next problem arises.

Knowledge puffs up, but LOVE edifies 

{1 Corinthians 8:1}.

I am truly thankful for my opportunity for personal growth within Project: World O Women. More importantly I've met the most outrageously talented and lovable women in the world! Thank you to the women who have taken the time to love on me while I've come to the realization that women aren't that scary after all!!!