Leaving a Godly Legacy... Breaking The Cycle of Disfunction

No matter how you were raised….good, bad or ugly….you can CHOOSE to be different and leave a legacy of godliness!! So many of us are trapped by the decisions are parents made. We have their DNA and therefore we have to repeat what they did or didn’t do. NOOOOOO, this is a lie from the enemy! If you grew up in dysfunction, abuse, divorce or abandonment….the enemy wants you to stay there. He wants you to roll around in the muck and repeat those cycles of brokenness over and over!! The Lord, however, came to BREAK those cycles. 

Christ came to SET US FREE 

from bondage and slavery!!!! 

It’s true that our parents gave us life. We share DNA and often times we have the same mannerisms, thought patterns and quirks. We wouldn’t be here without them, true. A more important TRUTH is that we were created in GOD’S IMAGE!!! He made each one of us to know Him, walk with Him and to be His children. He wants us to call Him “Abba”, which means “Daddy”. How amazing is that?? God has adopted us as His own and wants us….no, LONGS FOR US, to call Him “Daddy”!!!

At 39 years old, I am an orphan. 

No parents or grandparents to speak of. I was thinking about the legacy my parents left me and what part I am holding on to. My dad left me with issues of abandonment, lack of trust and unfaithfulness. My mom left me with knowing how to love others, how to give generously and always keep my promises. But neither parent left me a GODLY legacy. Neither one showed me how to walk in faith, how to know Christ or how to be a godly wife and mother. My Heavenly Father showed me these things. He has been walking with me as an adult, breaking the cycles of brokenness….and filling me with a new hope. My sweet family of five is growing and thriving in God’s goodness. My kids can’t relate to the darkness that exists in dysfunction….and for this, I am thankful!!

Today, I don’t resemble my parents. I resemble my Abba!!! Our parents are stewards of our lives here on earth but GOD is the Giver of Life. We don’t have to imitate the patterns of our past! We can move forward in Christ and imitate Him. Since we are adopted as God’s children, we are daughters of the Almighty King! We can walk everyday victorious. Freed from our past and with the hope of a new future.

How can we do this?

1. Take hold of His Truth. Don’t just read that we are adopted by God. BELIEVE it. WALK in it.

2. Create boundaries. You may have family that’s still dysfunctional. In order to break free from destructive cycles, we need to put up HEALTHY boundaries. Protect your home – physically, emotionally and spiritually.

3. Guard our hearts. The Bible says that God’s peace which transcends all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7) We need to pray over our families. Pray for God’s peace. Be alert and know that God is with us every step of breaking free!!

PS. This is my ring from Israel. It says “Abba” in Hebrew. It is my daily reminder that I am His!

[life desensitized] fighting to live beyond complacency

The other night I was watching one of the multitude of one hour crime dramas and I drifted to sleep while watching the head M.E. sew up a corpse after an autopsy. After years and years of watching shows like CSI, Law and Order, Bones and others seeing a dead body splayed open on a metal table with a doctor elbow deep in intestines and organs is nothing. It looks so real but it doesn't affect me... doesn't make me sick, in fact it's kind of expected now. Ready to throw up your breakfast??? Or have you been as desensitized as I have been??

I know this is a big jump but just like my mind being desensitized to the gruesome reality of a TV world filled with murder and graphic autopsy... I feel like my heart has been desensitized to the absolute POWER of God's word. I was reading my friend Fiona's blog the other day... (A Little Bit of Honesty) and she was talking about the verse Philippians 4:13 hitting her like she had just read it for the first time...

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."

Read this and soak it in... seriously do you realize what this is saying... WE CAN DO ALL THINGS with faith in Christ. I think so many times I read over verses like this and think hmmm thats cool but really my lack of faith keeps me from thinking this really applies to me.

When we read God's word and don't fully live it... and don't fully believe it actually applies to us, the enemy has us right where he wants us. We come out of church or bible study feeling fluffy and comforted by a God who is generous and can help us when we need it... HELLO?!?!?!?! That's us being desensitized to the absolute POWER of God's word and promise and will for our lives! That's us walking out of our churchy time in complacency and consumed with enough feel good crappy fluff to keep us content to live an ordinary life bound by safety and comfort for one more week. 

For so long I have been frustrated with studies, sermons, retreats and worship songs that make God seem fluffy and turn us into a heard of spiritually selfish consumers... BUT guess what.. It's not the sermons or the studies or the songs that weaken God's word, IT'S ME!!! I have the power to either make God's word a pile of self serving fluff.... OR I can actually believe the words that are written, I can CHOSE to live in them and not just say them or sing them in a pretty song. They are POWERFUL, they are LIFE SHAKING, they are WORLD CHANGING words that  do apply to me and that do apply to you. 

He doesn't just want to fill us up with fluff so we can survive our own lives... he wants to fill us with the power of his GRACE that will flow through us to change ourselves so we can encourage others and actually affect the world we live in. 

Today I have several powerful verses that after reading in new light, with new eyes have knocked me on my butt!!! THEY HAVE SERIOUSLY BLOWN ME AWAY... because I am choosing to live in them today... I am choosing not just to read them and think "how nice"... I am reading them and praying IN FAITH that God will do this in me... TODAY... when we pray and believe MIGHTY things can happen... I will no longer be desensitized to His Spirit!

James 1:5-6  If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.

John 14: 12-14   I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!

Romans 8:15-16   So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children.

2 Peter 1:3-4   By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.

Ephesians 1:19-20  I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms.

These are just a few of my favorites... today I am fearlessly confessing I have made these verses fluff in my life... but I am now shedding the crappy fluffy attitude of spiritual consumerism and complacency... and I am choosing to live powerfully in the faith that what I read is actually true.

Breaking Free... Fearlessly Crushing Strongholds

Photo By Maria Alexandra Photography

A couple of weeks ago I couldn't have told you what a "stronghold" even was. I knew I was being gripped by rebellion and pride but after recognizing their power in my life I had NO CLUE how to release them. I had a friend come over and pray for me and in the midst of a 30 second prayer for freedom from these things I felt myself release them and take them back... it was weird... like really weird. I felt a split second of lightness followed by the heaviness of oppression I have chosen to carry for a lifetime.

I knew what I did but I didn't know why. For days I beat myself up until I realized why:

I didn't know who I would be without the comfort of the sin that has bound me for over 30 years. 

The things that kept me from being free were also honestly a very comforting piece of who I was. MY foul mouth, my rebellious head bob and "tell it like it is" attitude were a shield I hid behind to protect my heart. My self hatred and anger and ability to put myself down with humor before others had the chance were how I survived... they were my protection, my excuse... for not moving forward in faith.

A couple of weeks ago I started reading about my "STRONGHOLDS"... REBELLION, PRIDE, A CRITICAL SPIRIT, SELF-PITY... oh list goes on believe me... and while I already knew these things were suffocating the work God was trying to do in and through me... I still didn't know how to move on from them.

It's been through reading God's word, and books on this subject that I realized there are actual steps to rid myself of these and bind myself to other strongholds that are actually from God....

In the Freedom Manual, Bryan Brennt said to remember the 4 R's: (on a side note this manual is amazing and I would fully recommend spending the $10 to download the PDF version no digital reader required.)

{REPENT}

{RECEIVE}

{REBUKE}

{REPLACE}

What I realized is that once I had identified the sin that was holding me back I had just been kind of sitting in it... bathing in it... soaking it in and beating the CRAP out of myself. THAT'S NOT WHAT GOD WANTS... the purpose of recognizing sin is to then be FREE from it, not wallow in it. And if we don't know how to move on the ENEMY can use it to push us down even more. (Matthew 12:45... read it!)

It's through REPENTING (sincerely expressing our sin to God) and then REBUKING the enemy (Actually saying out loud: In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke the spirit of ___________ in my life, remove the enemy and bind him from this area!) that we begin to heal. But here's the kicker... when the sin is emptied, you have to RECEIVE God's mercy and grace and the RELACING that space with His TRUTH.

This sounds simple but I wonder if there is anyone else out there who has sat in a place of self pity and self disgust... allowing the enemy to oppress and do almost more damage than the original sin??? I am done sitting... I have shaken off those strongholds and I have accepted God's Grace and refilled my mind with HIS truth! 

NOW I am praying that my strongholds would be GRACE, FATIH,  MERCY,  LOVE and COMPASSION.

All over in the new testament HE tells us if we ask HE WILL GIVE FREELY... we just have to believe and HE will make us overcomers... He will make us strong, HE will help us fight... I'm ready to ask AND BELIEVE... are you?

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him." 

-Matthew 7:7-11

Fight Club

Written on Unfolding Diamonds October 28, 2010

This topic is so great. I feel like in the last year and half since I wrote this I could add way more. I am just going to leave it at this. It takes a heart of courage to fight. Check your heart on this matter...what do you think?

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when I say the word, FIGHT?

Is it a verbal argument, where words and spears are thrown with the intent to hurt? Or, maybe for you, it’s where fists are literally thrown and physical injury occurs?

Well, I’m not talking about either. I’m making reference to a sort of fighting, that these days just doesn’t happen enough…..

FIGHTING FOR UNDERSTANDING

This is a fight that isn’t sought to injure, but mend. A reaching out for the heart of another. The decision to stand firm and stay until a resolution occurs.

We live in a day and age of SELFISH people. We are all about ME!!! I’m talking about me too! This is just another topic I write about because it’s a road I have walked. I never ever knew what it meant to stay and fight for understanding. If I felt hurt, mad, or even misunderstood, I tossed on my sneakers and ran!!! Ran away from my family, my friends, my relationship, I just chose to run. It was too hard to stay.

Why was it so hard for you Lu? Well you really want to know? Vulnerability, yep…that simple little word. I would have nothing of the sort. Let others see I was hurt, sad, upset…nope they just saw I was mad, annoyed, or impatient. That was way safer. It was way easier to toss those emotions out and distance my heart.

I never chose to stay and fight for understanding or to even offer up my own heart so the other could better understand where I was coming from. I just ran away from it.

We also live in a society that is not afraid to toss another under the bus, to pierce with words, to gossip, to just show no sort of respect. It’s sad actually. The thing is that I now find that so sad when before I just joined ‘em. I would speak words and then wished I hadn’t, but they were already out…so deal with it!!!! Well not anymore. I want to be careful with my tongue. I want to be vulnerable with my heart when it’s safe. I want to fight for understanding with those that I love.

So I feel like maybe I could be rambling so I’m going to give you an idea of what exactly what I mean for it’s something I am very much learning.

Have you ever walked into a room of some people and when you walk in it gets a little quiet and you automatically assume they were talking about you? Did you ever think that it might never have been that at all? Yeah me either. How many times have you gone back to those people and just asked them? Why not? Were you afraid you might be rejected, afraid of wounding your pride? Well here’s what happens is that your mind and heart begins to run and run and run as to what they could have been talking about. In that very moment seeds of uncertainty, untruth, and anger begin to take root and grow….they take over and they begin to effect the perception of those in the room. You may become bitter, resentful….ever thought maybe there was nothing being said at all?

Why not just ask….I know, that’s a crazy thought, that’s a little scary, but it’s part of the fight. Or if they were talking maybe it wasn’t anything bad. Ask. Desire to understand.

When you want to run in the middle of a conversation where you feel hurt, stay and fight, when you hurt another, REPENT, stay, and fight...their hearts on the line.

We can no longer make assumptions...because the saying still rings true...when we assume it makes an "ass out of you and me". Assumptions on the behalf of another person are so DANGEROUS. It's send our minds and our hearts down a very nasty path. Take your pick..self-pity, self-rejection, anger, bitterness, resentment...you get the point.

Fight, fight, fight for the hearts of those that matter. If they don’t matter, that’s a totally different story. If they do matter then close the gap that could begin between two hearts. When there is understanding found, hearts love more, hearts trust more, and relationships thrive.

PS...it's a light sabre in my hand...

When HOPE becomes an idol, confessions of a warrior mom.

Oh I have been wrestling with the Lord a lot lately, okay, the last 10 years or so. A couple months ago God showed me that in a matter closest to my heart-and one that causes pain I never dreamed of-that instead of clinging to Christ I’d clung to hope. Hope is a wondrous thing. It’s a good thing and often in my life I cling to things that my Bible tells me are good things: holiness, faith, hope, and love, etc.

Can hope become an idol?I guess so, for me anyway. I had built hope up into something that became my rock. 

“The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. (Psalms 18:2)” 

It does not say hope is my rock. No wonder my walk with God lost its vibrancy. I have hoped beyond hope for a situation to be reconciled…or more honestly put, “fixed to my satisfaction, for my joy”. I was with a couple other moms retreating for a night and as I sat alone in the lobby of this old hotel in the morning with my Bible, I recognized that God was calling me out. (I told my friends I felt “spanked”.) I was wrong. My hope is IN HIM, not in hope. I am to cast all my cares on HIM, not in hope that they get better or that the difficulties my son experiences with autism magically depart. I think it was easier to hope in hope, so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of not having my prayers answered the way I want. I have often hated the “A” word (aka autism) for so many reasons . Mostly because it feels like "it" steals the best of who my son is and steals peace and joy from our home. It feels like a tool of the enemy who wants to steal everything good and cause destruction of hurricane proportions.

The last couple of weeks I have wrestled with God over pulling our son from public school. I have asked God (yes, I am ashamed), “Please don’t make me do this, anything but this”. I am not up to the task. My marriage will suffer. As little as I get out now…poof, now even less! Lunch dates with girlfriends will really never happen. Hubby and I will never have another lunch “date”. Great, kill me now.

I have been willing to serve God, even suffer for Him, but I have always wanted to choose HOW. 

I am so wrong, about so much. My love that I consider pure and unshakeable for God is really conditional. I want Him to have all of me…on my terms. Oh, that is so hard to type. I am selfish and lack trust. I have bucked the mantle of “suffering servant”. Christ washed the feet of his disciples and said we should do the same. It sounds nice, sure okay, I can do that. Can I really? Do I? I realized when it is for people who love me back, I can. When it’s from someone who essentially just takes and takes, sometimes cursing me in the process, I’m not so willing.

I would stand in front of a bullet for this boy-and my other 3 kids- or take the charge of an angry bear. I know without a shadow of a doubt that is true. How can I be so unwilling to keep pouring out love, in a different way, in the service of home schooling?

I don’t really want to attempt the hard stuff feel all challenged and actually experience failure on a regular basis. I have to lay it all out for God and ask Him to show me the ick…I know it’s there. I just want to ignore it and make some brownies. However, my true heart for Him is manifest in how I deal with suffering.

Am I really willing to share in the suffering of my Lord and Savior or do I just talk a good game?

As a mom I have felt suffering. Parenthood opens your soul up wide to every potential kind of hurt that exists. Am I ready to embrace it in a way that allows God to change me into someone who may one day resemble his Son, the One who modeled perfect love? Do I just want to use my suffering to commiserate with other moms and let them know they are not alone? Suffering, Lord, any kind, let me be willing to walk through it with You.

“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.”

—2 Corinthians 4:8-11

So much comes down to fear and pride in this one question for me, “What if I’m not enough?!” I have asked it and felt it for much of my life. The answer? Who the heck is? That’s why I need Jesus, that is why HE suffered. I am NOT enough, only He is. In surrender, I see that autism can be a tool in which God continues to scrape away the selfish, peace and joy seeking parts of my character. When that happens, maybe I will really learn what it means to seek Jesus, wholeheartedly. Maybe, homeschooling is the screen upon which my son will be able to see Jesus in his mommy. I’ve tried to show him in countless other ways for years, but maybe this will be the venue, time, and place that God will capture his attention and his heart. That makes me smile and feel strangely unafraid for what’s to come.

Fighting Emotion with Prayer and Grace

I want to talk about emotions…and doubt and fear… No matter how you look at it.. We are emotional people. We get annoyed (I get annoyed a lot...im working on it.) I get sad, I get excited I get angry… and the list goes on. I sometimes let all these emotions get in the way of meeting with God ...every day. I FEEL less than… I FEEL like I'm not doing enough for Him.. I FEEL like I can do better.. Or be used by Jesus in bigger and better ways.. All those feelings of mine.. Are self-doubt!! Its like this war going on in my head.. It's total confusion.. I pray before I get out of bed… “Lord, Use me today. I want to lay my entire day at your feet Lord, use me for your purpose today and not my own” then I get out of bed and my husband didn’t make the coffee or take the stinky dinner trash out and im ANNOYED… (even though I just prayed, this meaningful prayer) I let my emotions get me every time!!!

So then I have a choice.. Say “thanks for making the coffee… I really appreciate it, and it smells really “good” in here by the way” in a major sarcastic tone with my robe on and bed head… that’s got to be a terrible way for my husband to wake up… oh my gosh.. Now he will be annoyed!! OR I can make the coffee and take the trash out and when my husband gets up say “good morning”…

I pray for Gods Grace.

I want to be a better wife, mother and friend.. I can't do any of these things without Jesus every single day. Every step of the way.. every time I get upset or annoyed..

Our emotions and thoughts are linked to each other.. our thoughts and feelings cant rule us, unless we let them.

Romans 8:5 says. .For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.

So if we let our thoughts lead us… which are probably not going to be good if we are angry or sad or annoyed.. We will have bad attitudes towards everything.. Flesh without the holy spirit is dark and negative and NOT a good place to be... But if we learn the word of God and set our minds to having a mind of the spirit we will be filled with life and peaceful calm emotions and Joy and Love.. Jesus called us to peace

I have to pray for this..

Every day I need to ask for His guidance and love and Grace. I need these things to be a better Wife, Mother and Friend... I am human and have a sinful nature.. This is why its so important for me to lay my day down each morning for Him. To meet God in the first thing and see where it leads my day. Sometimes I literally roll out of bed and go to the kitchen put my hands on my bible and say “Lord im meeting you.. Please meet me, I want to hear you Lord, show me what you want me to see today."

If I am calm and peaceful I can learn to have an ear to hear Him and what He wants from me in each day..

… I have been amazed at His plan for me!! He has divine meetings for all of us if we let him! 

[editors note: I was listening to a podcast this week and it was challenging listeners to start each day by praising God for 10 things... before our feet hit the floor in the morning to praise him... I have seen such a difference as I pray and praise him in the morning... I AM NOT a morning person... and this helps me start off with JOY and CONTENTMENT... it's been the most amazingly simple but profoundly impacting thing I've done in my spiritual life... Linz:)]

No More Friendly Fire

I Love our Lord's example in the above scripture. As the Pharisees and Scribes constantly sought to provoke Jesus... he always seemed to answer with such serenity and tranquility. Jesus never was and never is uptight. And yet the minute someone provokes me (not on purpose I'm sure), my reaction is most definitely not tranquil. How destructive this is to the Body of Christ!! This is a call for unity within our church community. Lets take a stand together and not allow anymore division from within.

Lets stop the "friendly fire"

{As the bible indicates throughout, unity doesn't happen through the pointing of fingers at one another's spiritual condition. Unity starts with me.}

Here are a few ways to confront this issue in which we seem to struggle... not excluding myself of course. This may offend some, but none of us are guiltless! As my friend Lindsay so poignantly said, "Welcome to the no fluff zone." So here it goes...


1. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Luke 6:45
Before a critical statement can come out of our mouth it is already formed in our heart. Isolate the thought, and immediately take it to the Lord. Get rid of it fast! If you are anything like me, you may have to do this multiple times before it goes away.


2. The tongue has the power of life and death. Proverbs 18:21
Are you speaking life giving words to or about or family (includes in-laws, cousins, uncles, you get the picture)? Chances are if your talking about your immediate family, you will fall into the trap of talking about your church family as well. I like to justify myself by saying, "I need prayer about this" or "sorry for venting". WHOOPS!


3. ...and there are diversities of operation, but it is the same God which worketh all in all. 1Corinthians 12:6
DO NOT compare yourselves (gifts, talents, etc..) to others! This one is especially difficult amongst the women. You will end up becoming jealous toward that person Jesus loves so much, or you will walk in fear that you aren't good enough.[Side note: If I had to compared myself to the incredibly talented women that write on this blog, I would NOT be writing this post today. I would be too fearful....]

4. ...And He gave us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. 1John 4:21
Love the person who is rude to you.... for love covers a multitude of sin. Guess what?? We are not called to love the lovely, but the unlovely.

  Last, but not least......

5. Where sin abounds, Grace abounds that much more. Romans 5:20
So thankful for the Grace administered to me on a moment to moment basis...YAY and AMEN!!

Round 2: How I Am vs. Who I Am....Let's Get Ready to rummmbbbllllee!

Photography by Holly Stout

I'm picking up round two {CHECK OUT ROUND ONE} and running with it today. I love that Lindsay left me with the nitty gritty....OH THE PRESSURE.

This weekend I unbound the pages of my journals. It's time to write my story about my journey these last two and a half years. Some of the pages I came across made me cringe....it brought back so many memories of the woman I was...how I was. YUCK...sure there were good qualities about me but oh dear Jesus I was a mess.

Let me just put How I Was in nutshell for you:
-Insecure
-Inconsistent
-Angry
-Impatient
-Unapproachable
-Unavailable
-Prideful
-FULL OF SELF-PITY
-Perfectionist
-Unkind
-Ungracious
-Bitter
-Resentful...ok I'm just going to stop now....you pretty much get the point.

As many of you know Lindsay will just tell you how it is...well so do I. So as you can see this could make for a very dangerous combination...but it doesn't. It's actually like the Lord has laced my lips with some sort of grace that what comes out of my mouth she hears. It's pretty weird actually, wouldn't you say Lindsay??? Even if it's straight up truth...I sort of sit preparing to hear a dial tone...but I don't.

And as time passed I began to change...a lot of time...I don't catch on real fast...I'm slightly stubborn. But basically what I'm saying is that the truth she spoke started to open my eyes to HOW I WAS.

I saw how I was and I seriously hated it but I was just stumbling in the same way, saying the same things and then apologizing AGAIN (for like the 50th time). I so desperately wanted to be different but it was a process. Slowly but surely I began to change. I began to win the battle of my strongholds. There were days when I didn't actually know how I was functioning in my own skin. I was laughing more, I was way more friendly, strangers would chat with me at Starbucks, men would open doors for me and actually look me in the eye...

THIS ALL MAY SEEM VERY SILLY TO YOU BUT IT WAS MY LIFE....

So back to Linz and my conversation, I was given liberty to speak into her life because I knew exactly where she was. You could hear the chains she was bound by....so basically I was like ok here we go. And what came out was, the bondage that she had been walking in...we don't need to name em...hahaha. But the opening of the eyes to our strongholds gives the enemy less foothold. When we know the stronghold of sin we are walking in we recognize it more clearly, joyfully repent and then begin to walk in the opposite spirit. The opposite spirit is our original design. The places that the enemy torments us the most, the things we think we will never be free of, the sin that haunts us...these are the places we are destined for the most greatness. You claim to be shy? I call bluff...God didn't make anyone shy, it's the enemies silly little idea to keep you shut up for the rest of your life because what's actually behind those lips of yours could actually shift a culture. You're rebellious and it's just who you are....NO WAY, NO HOW!!! You are righteous at your very core. You will stand up for the things that others will not stand up for. You are riddled with righteousness and truth...but what if you started walking in it, raising your children in it. You are a straight forward and a rough around the edges...I think not. You are a dang teddy bear that's got more love and compassion shut away in your bones that you would ever care to admit. What would happen to your life and your relationships if those tough walls came down and compassion and love were what flowed forth???? Crazy right???

My chains kept me from walking in relationship, from truly loving those around me. It kept my walls nice and high so no one would get in, so no one could hurt me....BAD IDEA!!!! I am sitting here now a woman radically changed, who can love, who can be loved, who has the heart of a momma and who desires freedom for all the captives. What if I would have never shed my own chains...SCARY!!! Dear Lord...thank you for saving me.

We all have a story. We all have a testimony. The things that we battle through in our lives are tests so that we have a testimony. 

Testimony: is a compilation of words that tells others about your faith. It can explain why you are a Christian, experiences you have had, how you overcame sin, and more. Testimonies are often presented to other people to help them through situations or to demonstrate a point. It is used to reinforce the truth of the matter.

I got to speak into the life of my friend because I just sat there thinking..."Oh man I know exactly where she's at, God give me boldness to speak truth that is so injected with love and not condemnation, mercy without judgement.

So now...please do not go and try and fix your friends...We are to walk in relationship, edifying one another, speaking truth and life. Our words are to be encouraging, exhorting, and edifying. Please don't find the faults and start pointing them out. Walk with your friend, love them without fixing them. Because love covers a multitude of sins. There is joy in repentance. If you see the stronghold, repent, receive forgiveness, rebuke the lies, and replace it with truth. Let's just be done with all the stuff you know? If it's there choose to leave it behind and day by day freedom will look better and better!!!

My hearts desire to everyday break off HOW I WAS and walk more and more into WHO I AM!!! Someone said to me once, "I know this man called Jesus and most people don't know Him like I do." This statement radically altered my life and began this journey of freedom. I'm not talking about religion, I'm talking about a relationship with the creator of heaven and earth. He is so good...we don't need 20 years of counseling to get through all of our junk...the cross was enough. Freedom is right in front of our noses, we just have to reach out and grab it.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1
Burpees
KettkeBell Swings

[editor's note: as always... I am already sore]

How I Am vs. Who I Am...Round One

The other day I was voxering (pretty sure that's not a real thing, but voter is a walkie talkie app on my phone) anyway I was talking to Lu and we got into an intense conversation... it was so intense we both thought it should be a blog post... or two... so today I'm sharing the first part of our convo and Monday she will be sharing the nitty gritty guts of it in ROUND TWO!

So, I was telling her that I felt like God had asked me to get off of my computer for the day on Wednesday. I was fighting it or course,  but probably not for the reason you think. In the past when people have made declarations of not being on Facebook or the internet or drinking coffee or watching tv ... or WHATEVER... I would do a silent head bob in my heart and kinda think well aren't we just all that plus a bag of chips. So when I felt like God was asking me to take a respite, because I desperately needed one, I got all squidgy and that old defensive rebellion crept up almost unnoticed... almost... and this is what ensued...

{Lindsay}: Almost everything that offends me and pisses me off and makes me be like "ohhhh aren't you so great", is because when people say things about their own faith or what they feel like God has called them to do (example: quitting Facebook, having study time in the morning, or any other discipline) I feel like they're saying I'm not as good as they are because I'm not doing it [editor's note: stay with me I totally realize how LAME this is]... which is pretty self centered actually. But for me, my anger always comes from a place of feeling pushed down or like I'm not worthy or that I'm less than.

{Lu}: Here's the thing about that, when we walk in places... and this is going to sound harsh but I've walked in the same thing... but when we walk in places of self pity and self rejection it leads us to make assumptions. So you make an automatic assumption that what that person is doing is something you should be doing when in fact it's probably not. Everybody's walk looks different.

When we sit in and don't throw rocks at self pity and self rejections it leads us to make assumptions that are totally false. Because the enemy is the GREATEST OF ACUSERS ... and this is my own same struggle and I make assumptions all of the time and it has lead to much destruction in my life and friendships.

{Lindsay}: It's so true, I want to shed these things that I don't like about myself and I know God is calling me to just be done with... but it's these little things you're saying... like HOLY CRAP... about the self pitying that are so true!!! AHHH! I mean I have no words... I love how you can just spit stuff out because I'm over here going AHH ERR AHHH! Like I have no words, but I love what you're saying.

(the rest of the conversation to be revealed in Lu's Monday post... I promise I have more words)

Don't be blown away by my profoundness:):) I honestly couldn't speak because of what God was processing inside of me. For so long I have identified myself as a STRONG, INDEPENDENT, REBEL (like a good rebel everyone cheers for of course). I've got my head bob down, and my "screw you" attitude perfected. BUT I have realized I have been operating from a place of deep bitterness. Bitterness that sows seeds of anger and a critical spirit. Bitterness that keeps me focused on my inward hurts and inadequacies. I am not that person anymore... It's never WHO I WAS... it's HOW I CHOSE TO BE.


Today I rebuke those strongholds in my life. I rebuke the enemy in Jesus name. He has no power over me! I choose to allow God today to replace rebellion, anger and bitterness... with MEEKNESS, LOVE and FORGIVENESS. I will not sit in self pity and self rejection any longer... I will not allow who I thought I was to destroy anymore of my life or my relationships... I am free....

"Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many."

Hebrews 12:15

The Monster in My Closet….

My mom died a year and a half ago, that day forever changed my life. I am definitely not the same woman I was before that awful day. But this is not a story of my battle through sorrow and grief…..although I feel like I could write a book on it…..this is a story for when the “year of grief” was over and real life began again.

When 2012 began, it had been 14 months since my beautiful mom passed away. God had walked with me through that year of sorrow and He was so faithful. He picked me up when I couldn’t breathe. He kept planting His Word in me and reminding me that I was never alone and I felt like an orphan some days. It was clear God wanted to use the compassion and tenderness I had for others to minister to teen girls. This new ministry called “Girls Nite In” began developing just 6 months after my mom died. I was raw and the wounds were just barely scabbing over. I remember thinking “YES Lord….but really? Now?” And the Lord said YES!!!! There are teens withering and self destructing and the Lord wanted to reach them with His love and hope!!!

(Girls Nite In is a ministry to teen girls where we discuss the real issues of life. We meet once a month and talk about things like divorce, sex, toxic relationships, self hate, anxiety, loss & grief. We are raw and candid. GNI has about 60 girls that come every month and 40 women leaders. God has used this ministry to reach girls that are hurting and need a Savior!! This school year has been such an adventure that I never dreamed possible!)

So let me rewind back to January of this year. I had a couple people approach me and share a “word from the Lord” with me. I remember thinking, “Why in the world is God not speaking to me directly? Why is He using someone else to tell me what He wants to say?” His Word to me was that HE was calling me and calling me…..and I was not listening…..I was holding something back. I wrestled with this for a while…for a couple months actually. I would get on my knees begging the Lord to show me something.

“Lord, I have given you everything!! I have given you my mom….I have given you my time…I am being obedient with Girls Nite In….putting my heart on a platter….being transparent…..doing what You have asked!! What more do you want??” I have to be honest and tell you that I was mad. I was so mad that God wanted more!!! Hadn’t I already given ENOUGH? I was just coming back to reality and off the grief journey. Couldn’t I catch a break?? Couldn’t I just rest a little bit?? 

I really didn’t know what I was holding back.

Then a few weeks ago, my dear sweet Lindsay posted that video blog about doing something scary. As soon as I finished watching I knew that I needed to go before the Lord and do something I feared. It was obvious to me that I was holding something back. It’s like there was an ugly, scary monster in my closet and I didn’t want to open the door and let it out. I wanted to leave it in there because it was “safe” in there!! But instead of ignoring the pull on my heart….I sat before the Lord and I cried out to Him. I put words to that fear! I called it what it was and told the Lord. (He already knew of course….and been waiting for me to come to Him) That ugly monster was NOT SAFE!! It was keeping me captive. It was keeping me from the Lord. That fear actually controlled a part of me that I didn’t even know. God wanted to free me completely! Here it is….I want to introduce you to my “monster”…..

I had just walked a scary painful road of grief. I never ever want to feel that kind of agony…I didn’t want to give God my whole life or heart again for fear He would hurt me. I didn’t even realize I hid that away until people were calling me on it. And it had become the ugly monster that kept me from my Lord and Savior.

When I cried out to God that day…..He told me “Yes, Treva….you have done everything I have asked of you and I am pleased with that. BUT, you have not given me ALL OF YOU…..YOU are holding something back from Me and I want all of you. We can’t move forward until you give me everything.” What God told me was that the only way I could be a speaker at Girls Nite In and minister to these girls, was to walk COMPLETELY with HIM and trust HIM with everything! I couldn’t do what He was asking of me if I let the monster of FEAR rule in my heart!!!! This was just 2 weeks ago that I opened my closet door and gave God my monster. Since then, we have had a Girls Nite In meeting…..and WOW, what God did that night was simply amazing!!! (That is for another story)…

Facing my fear head on…..and doing something super scary…..God showed me that trusting Him is the only way to see His full glory!!!! It is the only way to live….monster-free!!

Talking to God about a Religious spirit....In ME!

Oh Father, how this subject has grieved my heart for so long...it probably always will. RELIGION. I despise it Lord! It is the very thing within your church that blocks the true character of Christ from being developed in the ones you love. Satan's most subtle yet successful tactic in stifling the true Power of Christ.

Countless times I prayed over church, bible studies, and people in ministry, etc...The moment I think my prayers are breaking through, Wham! This wall comes back up. I walk away feeling defeated, and in essence, I judge your children for being stiff-necked and hopeless (this majorly grieves your heart). Finally after a couple of years of this I am at my whits-end pleading for your answers! Many tears later, you reveal that I am not gaining total victory of pulling down this stronghold because there is religion in ME!!

How did this issue escape my usual process by which you have given me victory!?! -SELF EXAMINATION-when YOU have enabled me to be an influence over any specific area, I am first and foremost the catalyst for change.    

{I will never have the authority to free others from darkness if I am not free from it myself}

When others complicate what religion is, You have shown me that it is very simply this: Trying to impose standards on others that are beyond what God has required, or given the grace for at that time. Of course! I've definitely done this to my family and closest of friends. Why is it so easy to extend grace to people I hardly know? Regardless, sin is sin. No matter how big or small. And yet sin isn't even my worst enemy, neither saten. It is "SELF"! I remember years ago when You showed me that we may think we have spiritual gifts, we presume to be holy,we rejoice in human successes, but until we/I see Christ and abandon all of our own reliance upon "self", all we will ever have at best is religion. Man, I was sooo eager to do something for you Lord, anything...as long as I didn't have to change inside. I still struggle with this. I know you don't want what I can do..but you want who I am!!

Some years back I was having a crazy, terrible day. I looked at my employee and said, " Wow, satan is really kickin my butt!" she replied, "I think you are kickin your own butt. LOL!" This was so true....

Jesus, you have and will continue to deliver me from so many things. Thank you for reminding me that when I'm kickin my own butt and doing it for and in Jesus name...you are really just wanting me to EMPTIED in order to be filled with more of YOU. Father your correction is like sweet, sweet kisses to me.

Dear Lord, examine me daily. I will stop at nothing to be free and set other free from this devastating assignment from the enemy. I love you with all that is in me. And thank you for the power of LOVE by the blood of Christ!

Fearless Experiment Confessional {Legalism}

Untitled from Lindsay McPhail on Vimeo.

Why is it that sometimes we are the very thing we HATE most in the world... even if just a little bit?Legalism has been holding me back... binding me... keeping me from fully experiencing God's powerful Grace!  Do you struggle with being legalistic or judgmental in any area of your life? What I have to remember is that it's not my job to convict others... acting superior or judging their hearts IS NOT MY ROLE IN LIFE... and pssst it's not yours either... 

I found it!!!

"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom." -2 Corinthians 3:17

The Predecessor of Fearlessness

In the 1800’s, an acrobat named Blondin (Jean-Francois Gravlet) became famous for crossing Niagra Falls by tightrope many times, usually with no safety net.

One day a crowd gathered at the falls to watch his most dangerous attempt yet. He planned to push a wheelbarrow loaded with a heavy sack of cement across the tightrope. With that extra weight, the slightest miscalculation could tip the wheelbarrow and twist him off the wire, plunging him to death in the raging waters 160 feet below.

Thousands watched breathlessly as he made his way across, placing one foot carefully in front of the other, quietly pushing the wheelbarrow across the spray-filled chasm, oblivious to the roar of the water beneath him.

When he made it to the other side, the throng let out its collective breath and cheered. What a feat! After his crossing, Blondin challenged a nearby reporter: “Do you believe I can do anything on a tightrope?”

“Oh yes, Mr Blondin,” said the reporter, “after what I’ve seen today, I believe it. You can do anything.”

“Do you believe, then,” said Blondin, “that instead of a sack of cement, I could put a man in this wheelbarrow-a man who has never been on a tightrope before-and wheel him without a net, safely over to the other side?”

“Oh yes sir, Mr. Blondin,” said the reporter, “I believe it.”

“Good,” said Blondin. “Get in.”

The reporter paled and quickly disappeared into the crowd. It’s one thing to believe something but quite another to have that kind of faith in someone.

However, one person that day did have that kind of faith in Blondin. This brave volunteer agreed to get into the wheelbarrow and cross the falls with the master acrobat.

As Blondin tipped out the bag of cement and placed his passenger in the barrow, men on both sides of the falls quickly placed bets on the outcome. Then as the crowd cheered, Blondin made his way back across the falls, this time pushing a nervous passenger ahead of him.

It looked like another easy conquest for the daredevil. But when they were halfway across the sixteen-hundred foot rope, a man with a heavy bet against them crept over and cut one of the guy wires.

Suddenly the tightrope pitched crazily back and forth, the force of the whipping motion gaining in intensity. As Blondin fought to keep his balance, he knew that they were seconds way from death. When the rim of the wheelbarrow came off the wire, they would both be pitched headlong into the churning waters.

Blondin spoke, cutting through the terror of his passenger in the wheelbarrow. “Stand up!” he commanded. “Stand up and grab my shoulders!”

The man sat there paralyzed. “Let go and stand up! Let go of the wheelbarrow! Do it or die!”

Somehow the man managed to stand up and step out of the swaying wheelbarrow. “Your arms-put them round my neck! Now your legs-round my waist!” said Blondin.

Again the man obeyed, clinging to Blondin. The empty wheelbarrow fell, disappearing into the frothy turmoil far below. The aerialist stood there, using all this years of experience and every trained muscle to stay on the wire until pitching subsided a little. Then inch by inch he made his way across, carrying the man like a child. Finally he deposited him on the other side.

(This story found in DARING TO LIVE ON THE EDGE by Loren Cunningham)

The man obeyed, clinging to Blondin...

He did what Blodin had told him to do because in the moment of fear the man was paralyzed. He froze, but the voice of Blodin broke through the fear and he did as he was instructed, he clung. Had he not wrapped his arms around his neck, his legs around his waist, death would have been absolute.There was a faith the man had in Blodin, he trusted the man. He stepped out into a wheelbarrow, on a tightrope, over Niagra Falls for goodness sake...Here's the bottom line, we want to be women who walk fearlessly, right?!?!?!

The more and more I am fearlessly doing life, the more and more I am realizing that I can't do it without faith. Without faith fearlessness is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE. I have to cling to Jesus, I have to have faith in His words to me. When He tells me to STAND UP! I must. When He tells me to wrap my arms around his shoulders...goodness me, I DO IT!!!

Life is scary, life is difficult, it's a tightrope and the only thing I choose to cling to is the One I trust more than any...my Heavenly Father. His perfect love will cast out all of my fear. His love will get me across the rope safely.

BUT....I must trust Him. I must trust that He is more committed to my dreams than I am. I must trust that He is more committed to my family than I am. I must trust that He is more committed to my finances than I am. I must trust that He is more committed to my heart than I am. He is even more committed to me meeting my husband....CAN I GET AN AMEN!!!!

With FAITH the things I FEAR become obsolete. I will stand up out of the wheelbarrow and cling to Him as He walks me to the other side. Another victory over fear, it's not a one time thing. It's daily, it's a life of living by faith.

On December 7, 2011 God pierced through my paralysis and called me to a life of missions. He called me out of my business, my home, and all that I knew. He asked me to stand up and cling to Him and His promises. I will not pretend and tell you that it's been easy. It's been the scariest ride of my life. I left behind the safety of my friends and family. I left behind a successful business that provided monthly financial provision. I literally left and walked away from an identity, but I will tell you that I know, that I know, that I know everyday I'm injected with more faith and less and less fear.

God has things He has for your life....stand up and hold on tight knowing He is the best thing you can hold on to! He is the best thing you could trust. His perfect love will cast out ALL of your fears. Where there is faith, fear has no hold.

Willing to get in the wheelbarrow?

             Deck of Cards

Take a deck of cards, shuffle. Face cards are 10, Aces are 11, numbered cards as valued. Flip each card and perform the movement and the number of reps specified. Cycle through deck if you dare or go for 20 minutes.

Hearts=Burpees

Diamonds=100m sprint

Spades=Squats (Video for proper squat)

this video is a little long but it's soooooo good!!!!!!!

Clubs=Situps